Ask Cap'n Slappy

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Somethin' troublin' ye, matey?

Cap'n Slappy stands ready to answer new questions, so fire away. Whether yer worried about yer love life, or concerned about the fine points of pirate etiquette, Cap'n Slappy's yer man. All answers guaranteed 100% alcohol-fueled. Just click on the link below

capnslappy@talklikeapirate.com

to send the Cap'n yer query about life, love, fashion or dastardly doin's on the High Seas. Don't fergit to sign yer missive with yer pirate name!

Don't fergit to check our FAQ fer answers to some o' our most oft-asked questions.

NEW: Cap'n Slappy's on Twitter, as "thecapnslappy," with more than 1,000 followers as of Sept. 19." Catch him there - but be gentle. He has no idea what he's doing.

P.S. If ye have photos ye want us to post in our gallery, send ONE to the Webwench. Ol' Cap'n Slappy is a bit o' a Luddite, and yer pictures keep crashin' his computer.

We get fan mail, too!

The Cap'n answers yer questions:

(latest questions are at the top o' th' list.)

Cap'n Slappy,

Last week, I wrote to you about The Shakespearean Insult Generator, and I appreciate your reply! However, now I have a more serious question to ask ye.

Unfortunately, September 19 of this year coincided with Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. I had to make a most difficult choice between the contemplative introspection of Rosh Hashanah and the unbridled debauchery of International Talk Like a Pirate Day. For better or worse, I chose the contemplative introspection of Rosh Hashanah, largely because my wife (wench?) of 33 years would disapprove...and I would have to fall asleep eventually. (I'm reminiscing about John Wayne Bobbitt and his wife, Lorena, here.)

But tell me, O Captain, are these two sentiments mutually exclusive? Should this situation arise again, is there a solution to my problem?

I look forward to your insight.

Your humble tribal crew member,

Seafarin' Stan

Ahoy Seafarin' Stan!

We've embedded an elegant solution to our holiday/ holy-day/ Talk Like a Pirate Day dilemma by institutin' what we call, "Talk Like a Pirate Day Weekend!"

And we even extend the concept o' "Weekend" to include up to three or four of the week days prior to or after the actual 19th of September. Even so, this year we know o' at least one rabbi who contemplated the lives of some famous Jewish pirates (like Jean Lafitte) and lessons to be learned from them.

Of course, next year the day lands on a Sunday and we already have one Scottish minister who has written a Talk Like a Pirate Day sermon - so his work for that weekend is already done!

But the calendar is only a guideline for the celebration o' Pirattitude! Unlike most major religions, we make no demands that ye "do it our way!" Ye can have yer contemplative introspection AND contemptible debauchery too! (Just on different days!) And if ye play yer cards right, the one can balance out the other!

ShARRRRlom!

Ahoy Cap'n

I've noticed yer nivver seen bounding on main or salesing the sivven sees. Arrrr! Would you be a SOFTWARE pirate now?

Shill for the Business Software Alliance
Motto: We're not front men for monopolistic mega companies with large legal departments. Really.

Ahoy Shill!

Well o' COURSE ye never seen me boundin' or "salesin'!" I be a pirate and am as stealthy as ... well, ... not exactly as "stealthy" as a ninja - but I'm at least as stealthy as an ol' grizzle-bear!

Now before ye go arguin' the relative lack o' stealth in grizzle-bears let me ask ye this. Have ye ever seen a grizzle-bear in the wild? (If the answer be "Aye! I have!" go to question #2.)

#2. Have ye ever seen a grizzle-bear in a pink limousine with seventeen beautiful wenches and one "just okay" wench? And the grizzle-bear be wearin' sun-glasses and smokin' a big ol' Cuban cigar whilst pokin' his big ol' grizzle-bear heard through the sun roof shoutin' "Get me! I be Hugh-Freakin'-Hefner!"

(If the answer to question #2. also be, "Aye! I've seen that too!" Check yer britches 'cuz we've got ourselves a "Liar, Liar Pants on Fire" situation here!)

Now, if ye'll excuse me - I'll be meetin' ol' grizzle-bear at The Linger Longer for pre-party shots!

And tell those legal departments to leave Cap'n Slappy alone - he's pals with a grizzle-bear!

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

Will I ever get married?

- Anon. basketball coach

Ahoy Anon. basketball coach

Ye probably know that for questions like these, I have to consult with a higher power.

That's right! Even Cap'n Slappy doesn't just "know all!" I have a wee bit o' help from me ol' companion, The Infamous Eight-Ball o' Diabolical Destiny! Now, I must warn ye, me darlin' - the Infamous Eight Ball o' Diabolical Destiny can be a harsh assessor o' future events! And sometimes - it foretells things that may or may not be true - just to be mean. That's why it's "Diabolical." But ye asked, so, I'll ask The Infamous Eight Ball o' Diabolical Destiny.

"Oh, Infamous Eight Ball o' Diabolical Destiny! Will (Anon) ever get married?"

Then we give The Infamous Eight Ball o' Diabolical Destiny a shake - shake, shaky, shaky, shaky, shake! And all is revealed!

/Oh! Here we go again! Somebody wants to see into the future, don't they! That's the only time you call on me, Slappy, you ol' bastard! "I can't see the future! Boo-Hoo-Hoo-Freakin'-Hoo!!!" They wrote to "Ask Cap'n Slappy" not, "Let's all disturb the rest of a perfectly reasonable Infamous Eight Ball o' Diabolical Destiny! Well? Fine! That's just Fine! Tell her this! She WILL get married when she DAMN WELL PLEASES! Not when anyone else wants her to - but when SHE wants to! But ... and this is a bit of a catch ... the person that she marries will have to beat her in a game of one-on-one basketball. That's right! She won't be able to have respect for anyone who can't put it up from three-point-land and lacks a solid cross-over move! Sorry! No game - No glory!

And NO GOIN' EASY ON 'EM just because ye fancy 'em! NO! You go hard to the hole every time! Let yer motto be this, Luv! "Do your COURTING on the COURT!" (That, and "Go hard or go home.") /

Well, me darlin'! That wasn't too bad! Who knows ... when the right one comes along - ye may end up with a bouncin' baby basketballer!

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

What is the best alcohol to drink?

Ahoy Nameless Drunkard,

The best alcohol is the one that is;

a) Closest.

And b) Free.

Know when to say, "When am I gonna get that drink ye promised me!?!"

ahoy there cap'n

i be stuck in deep guano now, there be my ship surrounded and boarded by privateers. the cap'ns dead shot through the breast, the rest of the crew deserted the scurvy dogs. being the master at arms I've locked my self in the powder store, i shall join the cursed souls with Davey Jones soon I'm sure of it.

i have but one question, do i blow the powder store now or load as many blunderbusses first and shoot these privateers then blow the powder store?

yours

master at arms tom

Ahoy Armless Tom!

I highly recommend NOT blowin' yerself up - and devisin' a cunning plan whereby yer enemy blows themselves up for ye! Ask yerself, "Do I really want to blow meself up?"

I'm bettin' the answer be, "No, I would prefer not to blow myself up, thank ye!"

What ye need to do is create a diversion. Get a small keg o' powder and empty it in a long snake-like line behind the larger powder kegs, then, stick the barrel o' a blunderbuss in the bung-hole o' the smaller barrel and "hold it hostage."

When they burst into the room, they'll find ye, wide-eyed and wild - with what looks like a keg o' powder - ready to blow them and yerself to kingdom come - use their aversion to blowin' up to make yer way topside whilst the snake o' powder burns down. Once ye be on the upper deck, leap overboard before the ship blows and use yer powder keg for a flotation device!

Simple! Remember - the whole point isn't to take as many o' them as ye can with ye - it's to send as many o' them as ye can on their way and live to get rich!

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

How can I keep me dog from crappin' behind me sofa? Th' wee little bilge rat be poopin' behind me back, when I not be lookin'. She be about t' walk th'plank!

Cap'n Momzilla o'th' Olde Crappy

Ahoy Cap'n Momzilla!

Get a bigger dog! Oh, sure, the poo gets exponentially bigger - but thar just be no where a Great Dane can sneak off to in the house to drop a deuce o' dookie!

The problem was that ye got a "wee little bilge rat!" When ye should have got an "enormous poo machine!"

(I recommend purchasin' a snow shovel for the bigger dog. Trust me.)

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

I be in need of insults far worse than bilge rat for "talk like a pirate day". Me grandmum has it comin'. Do ye have any suggestions?

Also, any other insults that can be said without /soundin'/ insultin' to use on me grandpop would be good.

Mistress Cheesey-Pickle o' Th' Olde Stinky

Ahoy Mistress Cheesy!

No self-respectin' pirate would ever disparage their mamaw and pepaw! But, seein' as self-respectin' pirates be rare, try this list on for size!

• Geriatric Grog Guzzler
• Bucctaganerian
• Ancient Mariner - who can't rhyme for squid-shit!
• Dependsaneer
• Will-Hogger!
• Cruise Liner Corsairs
• Pirate Pee-Pants
• Rum-Swillin' Martin Landau
• Greybeard (with chunks of egg in it)
• Matlock McBlinkerson (Blinker's On!)

If all else fails, ye can always tell 'em there's a Lawrence Welk Pirate Shanty special on Public Television.

But smile when ye say it and they'll just be happy ye're talkin' to 'em!

Arrrggghhh! What do ya wear for skivvies? What do ya use fr wipin yur arse?

Thanks, Kelly Bessette

Ahoy Kelly!

Gettin' kind o' personal, aren't we? Well, I suppose I invited this sort o' thing when we started, "ASK" Cap'n Slappy. Well, since ye asked - me skivs be, "BoxARRRRs!"

As for the wipin' part - I use a live hedgehog. Because I am a REAL MAN! (And because they are super absorbent!)

Argh! How did you decide on my birthday for TLAPD? : )

Wanda

Ahoy Wanda!

Before we set the date we asked ourselves ... "Whose birthday can we steal?" Ol' Chumbucket said, "Let's steal Wanda's!" I thought it was a good ideARRRR! So we did. It's as simple as that, Luv!

Dear Cap'n,

although me admiration for yer and yer pal Ol' Chumbucket goes beyond any literal and mathematical limits, Me remained astonished while reading in yer book, Pirattitude, that Batman had less pirattitude than Spiderman.

left aside the fact that this "Spidey" was bitten by a spider and got superhuman abilities through this bite, only the costume of them differ too much to conclude in a pirattitude loss of Batman.

He's got the darkness on his side, got no blue underwear on red leggings (dear me...) and he knocks out evil guys by using Ju-Jutsu and no fency wire.

So here is me question, Cap'n: why? Why does Batman sill have less Pirattitude than Spiderman?

Yours most faithful

Wang Sa

Although I can't remember exactly WHY we reached the conclusion we did regARRRRdin' the whole "Batman vs. Spiderman Kerfuffle," let me assure ye that we held to our rigid scientific testin' methods designed to produce accurate and long-lastin' results! You might also be interested to learn that our scientific methods leave a pleasant vanilla taste in yer mouth that lasts for two whole hours! (That tells ye the "science" is workin'!)

The other possibility is that we MEANT to write, "Batman" and accidentally wrote in "Spiderman" as havin' the greater amount o' Pirattitude because we were drunk. This remains a very real possibility. And if it is true, we had a delightful rum taste in our mouths that lasted until we started chummin' over the side o' the ship.

Ye might have thought, us bein' pirates and all, that we would have put in a good word for Aquaman - but we never saw much point in him. "Ooooo! Get me! I can convince fish to do things! And I'm a strong swimmer!"

I guess what I'm sayin' is, "We were probably drunk - but we weren't THAT drunk!"

Up Up and Away!

ARRRRRRRRRRR!

Disappointed I am in Ye! I say we take a vote from all able bodied pirates to have Talk Like a Pirate Day always on a weekday! Like other important days!*

Damn Yer Eyes! It be best celebrated at the workplace where there be merchants, an' others donnot understand - an' Winches, donnot be forgettin' th' Winches!

This is my proposition! What say Ye?

Kurtis Wichmann Proud direct decendant of Hennig Wichmann, Pirate and Scourge of the 14th century North Sea

Ahoy Pirate Kurtis!

I'm disappointed right back at ye! Had ye been payin' attention, Ol' Chumbucket and meself have always told people - "If ye want to celebrate it at the office on the Friday before the holiday when it lands on a Saturday or Sunday - just stretch the damn celebration in to, 'Talk Like a Pirate Day Weekend!'" or conversely, "If the fact that it lands on a weekday be inconvenient for the PARRRty ye've got planned, just pick a weekend either before or after and call it, 'Talk Like a Pirate Day Weekend!"

We picked September 19th so we would remember it! (and so calendarrrr makers could put it on and have it be the same from year to year!) Ye don't go writin' an angry letter to Santa because Christmas is inconvenient for ye, DO YE? No! Ye just schedule the office Christmas party on a date when it's fine if everyone gets drunk and doesn't come to work the next day!

And believe ye, me - I'm the last one to forget the wenches! (Or the winches!)

Still recoverin' from my celebrations and debaucherin'! But I do respect yer pedigree!

Yer pal,

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

Arrrr.. I be portly around the middle-girth and want to start a fitness group for my ship-mates. I have toiled many an hour... yet they say my "Pirates" (Pi-ra-tees) is not for them... I thought it would make a mighty fine fitness video, though you'd have o be jolly careful of your swords... Aaaarrr I cannot see a better way to slim their shanks, what can ye suggest?

Deck Mistress Lucretia, aboard the Barnacled Buccaneer

Ahoy Mistress Lucretia!

I say, "Give 'em a choice!" Either pirate exercise YER WAY - or they go on the "Cap'n Slappy - eat only cabbage and drink only urine diet!"

I think they'll start to see things yer way!

Ahoy cap'n Slappy

Me and a coupe o' me shipmates were talkin' about the life and love o' a pirate, when we started about priveteers. We then had a philosopical pirate debate about becoming priveteers.

Offically priveteers were just basically pirates but they were lisenced by a country to attack ships from countries that they were at war with. Now pirates could attack who ever they wanted and claimed all the loot on board o' any prizes they took. While a priveteer was limited to ships o' a certain nation, had to give part o' the plunder to the goverment, and this only lasted as long as the goverment wanted and if the priveteers were capture the goverment dont loose anythin'.

To me this is just another example o' how corupt the goverment is tryin' to gain more power and money.

Now i be havin' no problem with this, good on 'em, it only anoys me how they try and cover it up by callin' it 'Priveteerin'. But that bein' said there are advantages, like bein' able to get ship repairs and re-supply with out fear o' bein' hunted by the law.

So my question to ye be, would you ever become a priveteer? And if so would it be for any contry or a particular one? Priveteer or not to priveteer. That be the question.

May all ye ships be bountiful o' boubloons

- Captain Mad Davy Kidd Captain o' The Tortuga Tirent Captain o' The Pink Pirate Pirate Lord o' The North Sea

Ahoy Captain Mad Davy Kidd!

Thar be too much paperwork involved for me to be a pirate! And at the heart o' things, I am a conservator o' paper products! Trees should be for ship-building and not "written permission!" What has paperwork gotten me? A marriage license with accompanyin' divorce decree. Birthday cards remindin' me I be one year closer to death and newsprint that serves me better as a fish-wrapper than it does an information giver!

So, thar ye have it! I need no scrap o' paper what makes me a "Pirate!" And when my turn comes to hang - I'll smile because that gallows will be made o' wood!

(Unless they make it from recycled paper - in which case it'll be the first good purpose that paper ever served!)

Dear Cap'n Slappy

This space pirate is in quite a pinch, two actaully. In the far away universe 'Eve' we have a scores of lubbers that do not agree with being blown up, however I lack the proper terms for some situations up here.

How should I call those cowards who prefer to sit in the safety of space stations. So far I have used term 'Dock monkey's' and 'Station jockey's' since 'Station lubber' does not really have the impact of the earlier two.

I face the same problem with the most core busniss of our trade, attacking and destroying other vessels to get the booty. So far I use the term 'blown up' since sinking in space is quite hard, and as far I know sending someone to Davy Jones locker is bit hard to imagine to. Since some of the ships could be serveral clicks (kilometers) long.

My other pinch is that of the proper pet. Parrots and Monkey's are the animals referred in the ancient texts I could fine, but neither of these animals fare well in zero gravity. Are other animals allowed or do these miss the 'yarr' the aformented ones have?

I hope for a quick responce filled with wisdom about these problems.

Forgive me for the lack of correct pirate wording, but the universal translation machine does not contain it.

- Pod Pilot Hikita Ikaruga
Deimos class cruiser, The Blackwind

Ahoy Space Pirate!

Whilst I am not well-versed in the ways o' the Intergalactic Swashbuckler, I can tell ye a couple o' things;

Lubbers what don't agree with what ye call it don't get a say in whether or not they get "blown up!" YE just BLOW 'EM UP! (Sea pirate say, "Blow me down!" but that's somethin' else altogether.)

"Dock Monkeys!" I like that one! (And I know a thing or two about a good mocking name!)

Speakin' o' monkeys, I suppose that if ye be unencumbered by the pull o' gravity, almost any critter can perch on yer shoulder! Hell! Ye could balance an elephant on there and call it, "Ollie!"

And who needs Davy Jones' Locker when ye've got Carl Sagan's Black Hole?!? The point is - ye blow 'em up - they go away!

Pirate on, Space Buccaneer!

Ahoy there Cap'n Slappy,

I have a quandary which requires the help from someone extremely knowledgeable. But they all be busy so I thought I would ask you.

I am getting a new tattoo of a piratical nature, to go with my wenchiness, and I have yet to name her. I have attached a scrimshaw rendering as I think you need to see something to be able to name it. Just wondering if you had any ideas.

The Dread Pirate Dweia Namaah
The Inconveniently Placed Itch
Buggered if I know where

Ahoy Dread Pirate Dweia Namaah!

Aye, she be a saucy minx! She reminds me o' a strumpet with a heart o' gold I once knew - she'd throw in an extra bouncy-bouncy if ye took the trouble to give yerself a wash before comin' to the brothel.

Her name were Genevieve LeBustiere!

She makes me sigh just thinkin' about her!

Be sure to send us a picture o' her when ye get her inked!

Hi Capn Slappy,

We are celebrating talk like a pirate day at work.

I have received the assignment of what.. "Freezing the Balls Off the Brass Monkey" means.. could you please explain this to me. Thank you!

Very Respectfully,

Samantha Montemayor SPC, USA Chief of Staff Administrative Assistant First Cavalry Division Com

Ahoy, Samantha,

Ye've received a trick question! Here's a web site that explains the myth. http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/b/brassmonkeys.htm

The fact o' the matter is, we have no idearrrr where this phrase comes from - we just like it because it is visceral! And pirate prattle is fraught with all manner o' colorful phrases that probably meant somethin' to their originator and took on a whole new meanin' as they were passed along.

But when ye think about the standard "brass monkey is a stand upon which cannon balls are stacked in a pyramid" explanation and then use yer imagination to envision that loose pyramid o' iron balls and the deck o' a rolling ship at sea - ye'll see just how weak an explanation that is. In fact. The great ships of sail stored their cannonballs below decks - out of the rain and mist - on racks that looked sort of like the bowling ball shelves at yer local bowling alley. They would be hauled up as needed by the powder monkeys (thar be yer monkeys!) who also brought up powder from below decks where it, too, was being stored - out of the elements.

So, there ye go - a long non-answer but at least ye know more than before. And if anyone asks, "Where did the phrase, 'Slap weasel grease to it and march on!' come from?" Ye can look 'em square in the eye and say, "Cap'n Slappy made it up in a fit o' drunkenness!" (And that IS true!)

Always here to kick myths in their balls - brass or otherwise.

Hello, This Friday we are celebrating Talk Like a Pirate Day at work. My LTC assigned me to tell everyone what the Arms of Kimbo meant.

Unfortunately I think I'm looking at the wrong places or writing it wrong but it keeps on taking me to books and not telling me what it means. Can you please help me? Thank you! :)

SGT Kristina Harris
Division SGM Administrative Assistant
1st Cavalry Division

Ahoy Sgt. Harris!

Ye appear to be confusin' the "Arms of Kimbo" - the tragic story of a boy's heroic struggle after a horrific windmill accident with the phrase "Arms Akimbo."

To stand, "arms akimbo" just think o' the "I'm a Little Tea Pot" song we all sang as children when our parents were trying to raise us to be functional everyday kitchen items. But sing it this way and ye'll be standing "arms akimbo."

"I'm a little tea pot short and stout! Here is my handle - here is my other handle! Dammit! I'm a sugar bowl!"

Sorry, old joke!

But I think ye get me meaning. When ye stand "arms akimbo," ye're standing with yer fists on yer hips with yer elbows pointed outward in the classic, "None shall pass!" stance.

Poor Kimbo - he could never present such an impressive, figure - but his armless, "legs a-flutter" stance did inspire people to toss a hay-penny into his hat so he could feed himself and his goat, Chester.

But that's another story for another time.

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

It being so close to TLAPD I be brushin' up on me dictionary o' pirate english, and I was shocked to find I was not sure about the true meanin' o' th words Plunderin' and Pillagin'. Could ye help clear up the difference between the two?

Thank ye Hope all be well, with ye and ol' Chumbucket

Captain Mad Davy Kidd
Captain o' The Tortuga Tirent
Captain o' The Pink Pirate Pirate
Lord o' The North Sea Ahoy Captain

Mad Davy Kidd!

The so-called "experts" what write dictionaries and such would have us believe that "pillage" and "plunder" are no more than synonyms.

Those so-called "experts" are what I likes to call, "nuance-challenged!"

When ye "pillage" ye be "breakin' and takin'!" Whereas when ye "plunder" ye be "takin' and breakin'!" With pillagin' - ye're much more focused on the destruction and mayhem involved in the act. Plunderers, on the other hand, are more "outcome sensitive."

So, ye see, lad - ye can almost break down the whole pirate world into two types o' pirates - thems what likes the journey (The Pillage People) and thems what prefer the destination (Plunder Monkeys.)

I, meself, am more of a Pillage People Person.

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

Me mates and myself wish to celebrate the pirate's most revered holiday with a Pirate Pizza Party that includes a scavenger hunt. With your infinite amounts of piratical wisdom, what sorts of sundry things should we be searching for on this lustrious adventure?

hearts of the sea,

Lola, pirate queen (in training)

Ahoy Lola!

A "scavenger" hunt, ye say? Pirates aren't so much "scavengers" as they are "pillager" or "plunderers" - but yer question gave me an ideARRR for a "scavenger" hunt!

Instead o' a set list o' things to scavenge, how about makin' yer pizza-munchin' mates collect items that they must then describe in a nautical context. For instance - they could bring in a Cannon (camera - or camera bag - or picture that was taken by a Cannon camera) This will force them to be creative! They could bring in a picture of a local TV news person and call it an "anchor!" Or bring in a basketball and demonstrate a "Hook" shot.

The mind boggles!

It's not so much the item as the explanation o' WHY it qualifies as piratical that'll be entertaining.

And, of course, ye can be the judge!

Dear Cap’N Slappy,

I am planning a cool Pirate party to celebrate my son’s 8^th birthday party. Can you help me with a fun Pirate Oath to have the boys recite?

Thank you, Jaxi

Ahoy Jaxi!

Here be me wee pirate oath!

Repeat after me ... (Extra points if they say, "State yer name")

/I, (state yer name), do hereby promise that I will be a good pirate.

I will not fire my cannon at the postal deliverer. I will not hit people with my sword. When I wear an eye-patch I will make sure to switch eyes from time to time.

When my mate spins around and around in a circle, I will try to catch him before he falls. If I can't catch him, I will try to push him toward something soft - like grass or my dad.

I will not pick my nose. But if I do pick my nose, I will try not to wipe my booger on a girl as they think that is gross.

I will ask for a second piece of birthday cake - but I will make sure that I say, "Please" and "Thank You" because nobody likes a rude pirate.

Oh, yeah. I will also wash my hands before eating - especially after picking my nose.

On my oath as a wee pirate, I promise to do all these things to the best of my ability - so help me, Poseidon.

/May yer son have the best 8th birthday ever!

Dear Captain Sloppy,

I have been out of work for months now with no end in sight. I'm like a ship with no wind in her sails and a broken compass. What can I do?

The Dread Pirate Jeff Arrgh!
Blasted from me CrackBarrrrry!

Ahoy Dread Pirate Jeff!

Ye can start by not callin' me "Captain Sloppy!" (Ye wee bugger!) It's "Cap'n" - the pirate spellin'. And the last name is "Slappy" in a long line o' proud Slappys. From former president Chester A. Slappy to me grand-pappy Slappy who once taunted a man to death - just for gettin' his name wrong!

But back to yer concern at hand ... joblessness is no laughing matter. Who we be. How we see ourselves is often tied up in our employment. Ye may have to move ship to richer waters. Ye may have to settle for a job that pays ye far less than yer last one. Ye may have to part with a spare organ or two - or allow medical experimentation. Just be open to the "possibilities!"

Here is a partial list o' jobs in the pirate industry that may pique yer interest;

• Hull Scraper (requires thrice daily keelhauling)
• Cannon Tester (swimming skills a plus)
• Ship's Cook (must sometimes perform amputations - while preparing meatloaf)
• Ship's Goat (duties as assigned)

But don't despair, lad! Ye'll find gainful employment again! And mind how ye list me as a reference!

Every year we celebrate Talk Like A Pirate Day in my library! This year i be addin a flag to fly. Do ye suggest the jolly roger or the jack rackam? any suggestions would be much appreciated abouts flags or other wise for our day of festivities. we be celebratin on Thursday seein as how TLAPD falls on a Saturday.(better for me and my band of buccaneers ha!)

doug "red goat" bean

Ahoy Doug "Red Goat" Bean!

"Jolly Roger" is the name given to any pirate flag - and thar were many o' 'em! Varying on a theme of skulls and crossed bones (Rackham had crossed swords) - but all conveyin' menace and the threat o' death. The symbols sit on either a black or red field. (Death and Blood)

I've always been partial to a cannon on a green field - because green is the color of growth and renewal and the cannon says, "Watch out! We've got a cannon!"

But it might be good for yer library to design its own Jolly Roger! It might show a skull with a single bony finger where the lips once were - underneath six letters; SHHHHH

That'd keep 'em quiet in the children's section!

Our Dearest Cap'n Slappy,

As I am writin to yer Greatnees, master of knowledge on all subjects piratical and what not, I be plannin me latest sceme fer special and hopefully eventfull ITLAPD holidays. Unfortunately I notice that I am at a loss for how to approach the new season of seafarin slang to the lubbers.

I be humbly asking for ye to advise me if I should attack head-on and go all out pirate, or simply speak. The reason I ask is because I am a well seasoned pirate, but only a freshmen in highschool and am not sure if this is the right way to celebrate such a marvelouse holiday outside of my seasonal frequenting of rennasaince festivals.

Your Truley,

~Captain Bloody Jane

Ahoy Captain Bloody Jane!

It's always a challenge to start a new school, a new job or replace yer entire crew when they've run off and joined the circus - (Stupid Clowns!!!)

As a freshperson in High School, ye've got enough to worry about without tryin' to establish a new holiday at the beginnin' o' a new year. But perhaps ye'll have a teacher or other respected adult who sees the value in a bit o' nautical whimsy and has the clout to make it stick. Usin' yer best subtleness, direct said teacher or influential adult to our web site - especially the parts where we sell t-shirts and books and what not - and see if he/she can get a little wind in the sails and see it catch on!

(Of course, we'll all know it was actually yerself behind the mayhem - but we needn't share that bit o' information until at least yer Junior year!)

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

When ye answered the question about pirate jokes, ye only said there were three, I have found an entirelt different one that has nothing to do with the misplcement of the phrase ARRR.

Here is how it goes: A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender asks what it is for.

Sadly, the pirate replyes, "There be a bounty on me head, mate!".

There you go, nothing to do with saying ARRR, but also is a grand example of piratial whitticism.

Yours Ever Truely and Humbly,

~Captain Bloody Jane Ahoy

Captain Bloody Jane!

Point well taken! The "Bounty on me head" joke is a new one on me!

Ol' Chumbucket chimes in: I believe there are seven (7) Pirate Jokes in all.

1-- "Driving me nuts"

2 -- "First day with the new hook"

3 -- The Bounty Joke (which I only just heard recently myself, so it may be a newer one. Wait wasn't that on Dimitri Martin about a month ago? I think it was.)

4 -- The "cost of corn/a buck an ear" joke

5 -- The kid on Halloween whose buccaneers are "on either side of me buckin' head" (Note: Some may argue that 4 and 5 are variants of the same joke. Those people need to get lives.)

6 -- My personal favorite: Stop me if you've heard this one (yeah right, just try to stop me) What has six arms, six legs and six eyes?" Answer: Six Pirates

7 -- And then the million and one variants of the Aarrr joke. Which are all the same damn joke. Hope that helps, and if it doesn't, oh well.

YO HO Capn’ Slappy!

I be lookin’ for some o’ yer advice givin’s. A mate o’ mine be gettin' married on th’ pirate day, an’ I not be knowin’ what to say! I care to be givin’ the day its due, with a few words. Can ye help?

Kelly McCoy

Ahoy Kelly!

Here's a wee speech I writ for talkin' at weddin's on International Talk Like a Pirate Day;

/Ahoy ye Rogues, Wenches and sundry personages o' ill repute!

Far be it from yers truly to say anythin' disparagin' about the bride and the groom - at least until I can claim to be too drunk to remember what I said! But before the rum takes its toll and the room starts rollin' forward and aft, let me just say this about these two remarkable youngsters - they're out o' their frog-floppin' minds!

Oh, sure, they look fine now - but give it a month ... perhaps two.

Before ye know it, she'll be workin' on Stage II o' her plan to make him the man she thinks he ought to be! And he will put every ounce o' energy he spent in wooin' the poor wench into his campaign o' passive resistance in his improvised war on ambition.

Their hot-bed o' The Bouncy-Bouncy will soon become the ice box where dreams go to die.

So, here's to 'em! Fools and dreamers - liars and schemers and the happiest married couple in the room today!

/Of course, after that speech, ye'll want to dash to the window and make a bold escape.

OR ...

Ye could just lift a glass and say, /"To the happy couple - may all yer horizons be the realization o' all yer dreams - and may ye always find safe harbor in each others' arms!"/

Keep it short and sweet and they'll let ye eat cake!

Ahoy

How do I say Happy Birthday Beautiful in pirate? Please help, her birthday is tomorrow!!!

K

Ahoy K!

That depends - are ye a "Fancy Pirate?" If so, ye might say somethin' like, "May ye frolic like an otter with an open clam shell on this, the annual celebration o' the day o' yer birth, me Proud Beauty!"

or ...

"What a glorious sail around Phoebus that brings us to yer natal day, me Peal o' Great Price!"

But, if ye're more o' a less-fancy, "Jack Pirate," ye're apt to say any o' the followin':

"It's mornin' and me breakfast ain't gonna cook itself, wench!" "Happy Birthday to ye, Darlin' - I gots a prezzie for ye under the sheets - just pull me finger and I'll fluff it out for ye!" "How about a bit o' the ol' 'Bouncy-Bouncy' in celebration o' ye gettin' on in years!" "The calendar be damned, me Jewel! Ye don't look a day over ..." (and then wander off mutterin' to yerself) "Thank Poseidon's salty man-nipples it's Friday! I'll be drinkin' with the lads tonight after a hard day o' plunderin' - what'll ye be doin'?"

If I was ye, lad, I'd "fancy up" for the day!

How do a pirates propose a girl ? It will be wired but still :)

Saarthak

Ahoy Salty Saarthak!

If I understand your question properly, and I'm not sure I do, you want to know how a pirate proposes, or at least pledges his heart to a wench. I'm copying in Cap'n Slappy on this one since he has a lot of experience in this department.

You might try somethin' along the lines of, "Avast thar, me proud beauty! Let's sign articles fer a lifetime of pillage and plunder!"

Or recognizing your own personal limitations, you might try, "I know I'm not much to look at, but the ship offers dental insurance, so why not sign up fer a hitch?"

But I think the single best way for a pirate to declare his undying love for a wench would be the time-honored phrase, "Prepare to be boarded!"

And if that be "wired," so be it!

Ahoy there Cap'n Slappy!

My boyfriend's little sister is having a pirate birthday party TONIGHT, and I'm looking for something clever to say on the pirate cake I'm making for her. (She's 19)....PLEASE HELP!

Thanks, Chrystal

Ahoy Chrystal!

Just off the top o' me fevered brain - here's some pirate birthday cake sayings for a 19-year-old wench!

• Yo Ho! (No, not THAT kind o' "Ho"!)
• WENCH-CAKE!
• Happy Birthday Ye Saucy Minx!
• Pirates Aren't Born - They're Spawned! Happy Spawning Day!
• Eat The Cake OR Walk The Plank!
• 19 Years of a Saucy Wench! (Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle o' Rum!)
• No, It's NOT Rum Cake! (Eat It Anyway, Wench!)
• Aye! It's Yer Birthday, Wench! Eat Up!
• This Frosting Is Made With Farm-Fresh Squid!

I hope one o' those inspires ye!

*Cap'n Slappy,*

What's your advice on using 2 for 1 vouchers when out on dates?

I say, if you've got it, spend it, and if you've not got it you can't. But if you've got 2 for 1 vouchers, you spend it, and you get twice as much.

I'm being told it's not romantic enough though What say you?

Cap'n Rob of London*

Ahoy Cap'n Rob o' London!

I'm o' two minds for this one dilemma. I loves a bargain but I'll not be thought stingy in the eyes o' a wench I'm tryin' to pitch a bit o' woo to. But would I want to pitch woo to a wench who doesn't appreciate the value o' the ol' "Two-Fer?" And just how comely is this vixen that she thinks she's above a cut-rate promotional gimmick?

And thar be the rub! If she be comely - she can be as demandin' as she likes. On the other hand, if the voucher-bearer be a man o' unparalleled handsomeness and charm, he can pull off the coupon exchange with no fear o' derision or rejection.

In fact, all courtin' behavior comes down to this - the sexier ye be, the more ye can get away with.

Ugly men such as meself will always have to pay full price for feedin' the face o' the wench they're with - we have to make up the beauty deficit somewhere and nothin' says "come do the bouncy-bouncy with me" like an overflowin' coin purse.

Handsome men can flash their vouchers and insist that the salmon be cooked on a plank o' cedar logged in the mountainous panhandle o' Idaho in a month not containin' an "R." Attractiveness has its privilege.

So, before ye go usin' those vouchers on a date, take a good hard look in the mirror and ask yerself, "Am I a pretty enough man to pull this off?"

I'll be payin' full price and tippin' heavily!

Ahoy, Cap' Slappy!

I, the Norse Pirate Mistress, Cap'n o' the Flyin' Crocodile Machine, and Terror o' the North Sea, salute you!

Although I be a mighty pirate (and to tell ye the truth, there ain't much competition in these cold, unfriendly waters) I seem to be havin' troubles o' the heart. Ye, bein' the wisened old sea dog that ye are, could surely give advice to a wench facin' rough waters?

I be tryin me best to remain me reputation as the Terror o' the North Sea, but lately, me heart has failed me. You see, Cap'n Slappy, whenever I be faced with violence, movies with gutting, mangling or merely terror, I faint. Ye heard me, Cap'n, this wench be a lily-livered buccaneer who now be the laughing stock of her entire crew.

They won't say anything to me face, mind, but as a lass, they be already viewing me as "of the fragile sort", and a faintin' cap'n is no good!

What's a lass to do, I ask ye?

Then, there's another matter. I have been sailin' the seas with a fine Gentlemen o' fortune fer two years now, but for a while, my eye fell onto me first mate, and I had some too-friendly-kind feelings t'ward 'im fer a long time. Like any storm, thankfully, it settled, and became nothing more than another silouette on me horizon, me boyfriend never knew, and me first mate and I have kept our relationship as purely plato-like.

But now I be movin' across the country, to the seas I have longed for, and as I said goodbye to me mate, all those good-for-nothin' feelin's came floodin' back.

What do I do? I won't leave me hearty mate, he be a fine boyfriend and I love 'im, but I can't leave my feelings t'wards me shipmate behind.

May fair winds and good grog come yer way,

the Norse Pirate Mistress,
Cap'n o' the Flyin' Crocodile Machine, and Terror o' the North Sea

Ahoy Norse Pirate Mistress!

First things first! Ye need to "condition" yerself for blood-lettin'! Start with candy-filled pinatas! Ye know - those flamboyantly adorned paper mache animals that children whack with a stick in order to gut them for their confectionery guts? Well, whack away! Then, when that becomes easy - replace the candy with tomato juice! Before ye know it, ye'll be eviscerating yer enemies and lookin' for the chewy nougat inside!

Now, for yer heart ... If ye're a human being (and from the sound o' things, ye are) ye'll always have some attractions to the wonderful people who pass through yer life. That's normal! And I think ye have a solid perspective on this because ye recognize that the man ye have is splendid and ye'll not leave him! That's smart! Followin' yer heart out the door after every Jack that makes it skip a beat is one o' those behaviors that can become habitual. Ye dash Pete to the rocks in favor o' Tom and before ye know it, ye're leavin' Ol' Tom for Bob - or worse, Cletus.

Forgive yerself for attractions - it's just yer heart sayin', "Aye! I'm still alive!" And praise yerself for keepin' faith! That's yer heart as well sayin', "I know where 'home' is!"

Want more?

• See the Best of Cap'n Slappy
• Check the exploits o' the Cap'n's favorite correspondent, Sir Nigel Blackheart, Scourge o' th' Seas (& friends.)