Ask Cap'n Slappy

Now available as an RSS feed!

Somethin' troublin' ye, matey?

Cap'n Slappy stands ready to answer new questions, so fire away. Whether yer worried about yer love life, or concerned about the fine points of pirate etiquette, Cap'n Slappy's yer man. All answers guaranteed 100% alcohol-fueled. Just click on the link below

capnslappy@talklikeapirate.com

to send the Cap'n yer query about life, love, fashion or dastardly doin's on the High Seas. Don't fergit to sign yer missive with yer pirate name!

Meantime, check our FAQ fer answers to some o' our most oft-asked questions.

P.S. If ye have photos ye want us to post on the site, send ONE to the Webwench. Ol' Cap'n Slappy is a bit o' a Luddite, and yer pictures keep crashin' his computer.

We get fan mail, too!

The Cap'n answers yer questions:

(latest questions are at the top o' th' list.)

Cap'n Slappy,

I'll be invitin' some wenches over ta me ship an' I'm wonderin what grub I should be offerin'? They'll be 40 of us for a spring social.

Cap'n Bertha the Salty Wench

Ahoy Cap’n Bertha!

Me colleague and pirate food aficionado, Ol’ Chumbucket, says that the closest modern equivalent to pirate food would be barbequed spare ribs! I know it sounds a bit messy for a wenches gatherin’ – but it beats the lubber out o’ egg salad sandwiches.

Oh! And “Lady Fingers” for dessert – either the pastry or they can supply their own!

Best Fishes!

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

I've been searching for a more piratical way of greeting my fellow pirates on Puzzle Pirates. Most greetings are variations of the word ahoy (ahoys, hoy, hoys, hoy hoys and so on). This be getting dreadfully boring and a pirate's greeting shouldn't be boring!

An' while I've got yer attention what be the true proper piratical way of getting yer misbehavin' crew to shape up on long journeys? It seems these days young pirates just arn't the listening type of folks. I oft have to send many over the side of me ship to take swimming lessons the hard way.

Fair Winds and Clear Skies, Scrim Senior Officer, Taskmaster and Scribe of the crew Scallyways on the Sage Ocean

Ahoy Scrim and other Puzzle Pirates Protagonists!

Here be a short list o’ possible non-ahoy related greetin’s a pirate might use to announce his or her presence with distinction:

• “Greetin’s to ye!”
• “Hail Potential Victims!”
• “Stop yer jabber-jawin’ and pay me heed!”
• “Avast thar ye meat tubes!”
• “Hearken unto the sound o’ me blatherin’s!”
• “Great Neptune’s Man Nipples!”
• “I be a sad pathetic fellow in need o’ yer undivided attention.” (not overly recommended)
• “Hear now the news!”

As to the young people, the only way they’ll ever get to be old people is to shut up and listen! Remember, if ye’re punishin’, that the folks what ye’re punishin’ will be voters in yer next ship-board election – but only IF ye bring ‘em back on board after their “swimmin’ lesson.” Otherwise, their “swimmin’ lesson” becomes a “how fast can ye evolve fins and gills contest” as ye sail away – leavin’ their misbehavin’ arses behind.

Happy Puzzlin’!

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

How do you say: "The Swiss Cheese in my pants is burning all of my money!" in pirate?

- Anon.

Ahoy Flaming Swiss Cheeser!

You don't! No pirate would ever say, "The Swiss Cheese in me britches is burnin' all me doubloons!"

He just wouldn't!

Best Fishes,

Greetins from Barataria!

Capn Slappy, I must be agreein with many others on the wonderful way of how ye have brought pirattitude to the land lubber community. But I be wonderin: How do I display me pirate lingo to me teachers without those silly "Detensions" poppin up out o the briny deep? If I can, please be tellin me how do be doin so.

Capn Luka O The Titan Crab(there be only one)

P.S. Why do Ninjas hate pirates.

Ahoy Cap’n Luka!

Do ye live on the second floor? Nevermind.

As for how to keep on the windward side o’ the law in yr establishment o’ learnage – the best way is to convince yer teachers it be a good idearrrrr! First, stick to one day – September 19. That way, they see it be special and not a constant source o’ irritation. Also, they’ll need to embrace the educational value o’ all things piratical. To that end, I’ve prepared a list o’ pirate-related curriculum ideas that any teacher would love to embrace.

English

Discuss the first person singular possessive pronoun, “my” and now it has evolved from the piratical, “me.” (i.e. “Give me rum back!” or “ARRR! Ye’ve taken me rum!”) And what happens when the first person subjective “I” is wrongly translated to “me” in an attempt at pirate talk that takes on the idiosyncrasies of “Cave Man” speech. (“Me like hitting head with rock. Me think it good.”)

History

Discuss the importance of seafaring to migration and the socio-political implications of national claims to heretofore uncharted territories.

Social Studies

Identify the role of piracy in creating the Western ethos of the individual versus the establishment.

Science

Identify the health challenges of prolonged sea travel.

Physical Education

• Rope climbing!
• Dodge (cannon) Ball!

See, Cap’n Luka! Ye just have to speak their language – and SELL ‘EM on the idearrr!

As for ninjas “hatin’” pirates – I have to say, it’s not so much the hate – it’s the JEALOUSY! Ninjas, by nature, wish they were pirates.

Arr Cap'n Slappy!

Perhaps ye be givin this ere Cap'n a few words of advice regardin the code, each Captain has his own code for his ship.

But what be the code for when two of us grog guzzling crews meet on the Seven Seas.

Awaiting your reply,

Cap'n Dead-Bucket, Of the Dead Plowman sailing on the "Pirates Of The Burning Seas" (TM)

Ahoy Cap'n Dead-Bucket!

Aye! The CODE! We must, at all cost, keep to THE CODE! And when the grog guzzlin' crews o' The Dead Plowman and The Festering Boil meet on the seven seas there can only be one code what matters!

I takes me rum with a sprig o' mint and a twist o' lime - neat. It's a little somethin' I calls, "A Slap-jito!" And once I've had a few o' those, THE CODE becomes THE GENERAL GOVERNING PRINCIPAL and later THE WHAT WERE WE TALKIN' ABOUT followed closely by THE PASSING OUT!

Happy Sailin'!

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

I recently read your book and afterward while I was digging in my backyard I found some Volkswagon parts under the X. Do you guys want half of 'em? Does this make me a pirate, a hippie, or a redneck?

Signed, Demented Darwin

Ahoy Demented Darwin!

First, let me congratulate ye on yer choice o’ readin’ material! We’re typically sandwiched into a person’s book queue between James Joyce and William Faulkner – so we’re sure ye’re a demented man o’ taste.

As for our share o’ the backyard booty – I’ll leave that to me colleague, Ol’ Chumbucket, who may have use for some Volkswagon parts. And as far as yer designation goes, whatever ye be – ye be a hybrid – a Pirate/Something. It breaks down as follows based on the model of Volkswagon car your parts fit;

• 1968 VW Bus = Pirate/Hippie
• 1972 VW Bus = Pirate/Handyman/Possible Redneck
• Rabbit = Pirate/College Freshman
• Jetta = Pirate/Sales Clerk
• 1968 Beetle = Pirate/Anarchist
• New Beetle = Pirate/Regular Customer at your local VW service department

FARRRRRRRfegnugen!

Dear Cap'n Slappy

What exactly does the Black Spot mean and what’s the best way to deliver it to someone?

Carey

Ahoy Carey!

Yer question reminds me o’ a similar question asked not long ago … a Tuesday, I believe … it went a little somethin’ like this;

Dear Capn' Slappy,

I be wonderin' about "The Black Spot". When, where and how did The Black Spot originate and who was the first salty sea dog to ever give it to some poor bilge rat? Do they really tear a page out o' the holy Bible to paint The Black Spot on? Have ye ever been given The Black Spot yerself and what's the first thing a pirate like I should do if I'm ever given such a thing? I say "curses to curses, me bucko"!

Good rum to ye, Capn' Seamus Blunderbuss

Ahoy Cap’n Blunderbuss!

The truth about The Black Spot is that it was a literary device by Robert Louis Stevenson from his book, “Treasure Island.” The Black Spot is given to a pirate by other pirates when it is determined that his offenses require harsh and permanent justice – the killin’ kind. The first mention o’ it is when Pew gives it to Billy Bones in Treasure Island and Bones dies o’ a stroke.

Tearin’ a page out o’ the Bible for the Spot is a mistake as Long John Silver points out with curses upon the men what done it to him!

As for meself, I’ve been given the Black Spot so many times that I’ve papered me cabin walls with it – which explains why it looks like 101 Dalmatians exploded in me quarters! O’ course, after the first couple didn’t take, the lads started givin’ me The Spot as a joke – kind o’ like sayin’ “Hope ye get small pox!” but not really meanin’ it.

The first thing to do when ye get it is remain calm. Then, calm as ye please, punch some unsuspectin’ pirate right in the eye and hand the spot to him, sayin’ “Here! Ye take this! It brings out the colour around yer eyes!” This is the sort o’ defiance The Spot likes and ye’ll have good luck because o’ it!

Best Fishes!

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

I be a ginger Dame dear Cap'n. But I be wanten tae ask ya. Do ya ever get the feelin yer in the wrong place? Well I be haven that oddest of feelins. Me bambooseled husband can't sail to save his skin.

So I've been stuck in this forsaken desert fer nearly feels like eternity. (Albuquerque, NM) I be yearnin for them seas again Cap'n. Can ya help a girl out and tellin her were she can find some Pirate chums down these parts.

Sammael Wanderer of the sandy seas.

P.S. I tried to get the old geiser to move someplace nice, But he didn't like Florida, And h'is Ex-mistress is from Seattle, so that was out of the question. I think I'm the one hoodwinked!

Ahoy Hoodwinked!

Ye seem fairly attached to the lubber despite his sand fetish. Just remember, piratin' is a thing o' the mind - and all the cacti and tarantulas in the world can't steal the salt from yer veins. (Unless they start workin' together to do just that - then, yer screwed.)

But just as that famous Indian pirate, The Mahatma Gandhi, said, "Be the change ye want to see in the world," (I think it were Gandhi - it might have been Soupy Sales - I get them confused.) ye may find that ye need to "Be the pirate ye want to see in the desert." Ye'll find pirates in even the driest o' places if ye know where to look - "waterin' holes," tattoo parlors and prayer breakfasts. (It takes all kinds - or as Ol' Chumbucket's ma used to say, "I don't know if it TAKES all kinds - but we've GOT all kinds!")

Above all - ye have to be who ye are - wherever ye are - and if yer lad can't appreciate that - there might be some scorpions what need feedin'!

Ahoy Cap'n,

During my last adventure on the High Seas, I was a bit hungry so I took it upon myself to swipe a loaf of bread from the stores. I was caught and for my indiscretion, I was bound naked to the mast and flogged mercilessly. Strange thing is, I kind of liked it. Am I a normal pirate? Where can I find a buxom beauty to do this to me?

Rusty Russ

Ahoy Rusty!

Are ye a “normal” pirate? NO! Ye’re a sick twisted bastard – but what other kind o’ pirate is thar? As for findin’ a buxom beauty to administer the discipline ye so richly deserve, ye might check out Madam Czernyenkov’s House o’ the Red Fanny in Havana next time yer’re there!

(Ask for Olga.)

Oh Slappy the greatest captain of all

I find myself in a position of questionable morals as a Pirate hunter and regular killer of pirates I often find myself in the company of pirates and having recently captured Cap'n Pete Peters I find myself tempted to the side of pirates so ask you the infamous one, should I kill Cap'n Pete Peters and take his giant ship vast amount of treasure and corpses of his crew and leave him to starve in my prison ship or let him go and start from scratch as a lowly cabin boy?

Kane J. Samples

Ahoy Kane!

Yours is a perplexing problem – If ye take Cap’n Pete, his ship, his treasure, the corpses of his crew – how are ye NOT a pirate yerself? Do ye see where this be goin’? If ye be a pirate AND a pirate hunter then the next logical step is that ye’ll have to set out in search o’ yerself and then ye’re little more than a New Age Existentialist. And if ye, indeed, find yerself – what then? The pirate hunter in ye will want to lock up the pirate whilst the pirate part o’ yer personage will want nothin’ more than to dispatch yer pirate hunter self to Davy Jones’ locker.

Here’s what ye do –

Plunder Cap’n Pete o’ all his worldly belongings and send them directly to meself for safe keeping. This will keep ye from givin’ in to yer pirate side whilst fulfillin’ the tenants o’ yer pirate hunter callin’. I’ll charge ye a nominal transfer fund, service fee, standard administration percentage compounded hourly but only on days with the letter “Y” in the name.

Hell, it beats bein’ a cabin boy!

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

excuse me i am a student from Taiwan i want to introduce "pirate language" in class but, i want to ask whether the"pirate language" has their own grammar if yes, i want clearly grammar about it

just like i, i want to learn English i have to learn all the grammar of English first so , i would know how to use the language> i want about it's "infinitive" <to v> "present tense" "past tense" "future tense" "imperative"......and so on

if no, how do the pirates talk to others? what kind of talking rule does they use? thank you!!

Ahoy My Taiwanese Friend!

The first thing ye (we pirates say, "ye" instead of "you") about the rules for talkin' (we also drop the closing "g" on words that end in "ing" and, when writing, replace them with an apostrophe) like a pirate is that thar (replace all of your "there" with "thar" - in fact, use the "ARRRR" sound as much as possible) be no real rules - just a loose set o' (again, replace the "f" in "of" with an apostrophe - and pronounce it simply, "o" when speaking) rough guidelines.

Then, of course, is the use of the pronoun, "me." (As in, "me hearties!" or "me rum.") This possessive form of the first person pronoun should only be used to replace, "my." It should never replace "I." (As in "Me bury the booty." - That is something more akin to "Talk Like a Caveman Day" (date to be determined))

Also, ye'll (again, "Ye'll" instead of "You'll") be wantin' to learn some basic seafaring terms - such as "starboard" for "right" and "larboard" or "port" for left, "splicing the mainbrace" means to have the first drink of the day, and "rum" is, of course, "rum."

But the heart of speaking like a pirate isn't in the grammar so much as it is in the attitude - or "Pirattitude" as we call it - which, by the way, is also the name of our book. available here: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0451216490/talklikeapira-20?creat ive=327641&camp=14573&link_code=as1

Be sure to sprinkle lots of "ARRRRs!" and "AVASTS!" into yer language and a simple way to sound more like a pirate is to add the phrase, "Me Hearties!" after any declarative sentence - as in, "I'm going to go to the market, ME HEARTIES!" "I would enjoy a nice muffin, ME HEARTIES!"

So think of pirate talk this way - it's bad English with enthusiasm.

Best Fishes!

Now there ye landlubbers!

Me an me wench of a daughter (oos only 10 of age) av got a great big deckin patio thing outside of our hoose, me mateys.

But 'tis like no other! Tis huge an off the ground! Tis a league and a half in height anyways!

Tis still getting' built with no guard rails round it! Ah! Ha!!

So, I thought to me sen, why not put the girl "TO THE PLANK!"

An she was all in favour! (In fact, 'twas her idea!)

So I prodded her and pushed her to the edge! I threatened her with the crocodiles and sharks that lie waitin' on our lawn! When she was in fear of her life, I shouted, (in my best Pirate's voice), "Avast there, ye landlubber!"

And then she asked me, "Daddy, what does 'Avast' mean?"

I confess, I didn't really know!

So, the whole point about this message is . . . . can any one of you guys provide us with the answer? What exactly does 'avast' mean?

We ( my daughter and I) would be very grateful for any info you can throw on the subject, (Me heartys!)

Ahoy Me Proud Parent!

I see ye're goin' for "Parent o' the Yearrrr!" I think if more parents took to disciplinin' their wee ones with the plank and keelhaulin' and such, there'd be fewer o' the wee sprogs sittin' in detention drawin' pictures o' fanciful mushrooms on their math books!

But I digress - ye asked what "Avast!" means ...

Fortunately, Ol' Chumbucket and meself have made one o' them helpful educational videos that ye can view here - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2cKCkbWDGwE

Glad to be o' service!

You There! Cap’n Slappy!

What be yer advice and/or strategys when it comes to overthrowing a small community/tribe of cannibals and taking over their little spit o’ land to be usin’ as yer headquarters? The advice shall be much appreciated.

Respectfully,

Cap’n Bullfrog of the “Rabid Dog”

P.S. If’n I cant take this island may I borrow one of yours?

Ahoy Cap’n Bullfrog!

Takin’ land from cannibals can be very tasty! I mean, very TRICKY! Not tasty! Not tasty at all! Unless ye be a cannibal – in which case … well, never mind about that!

Just follow these simple steps to taking away land from cannibals;

Step One Make sure you are not delicious in any way.

Has anyone referred to you as “scrumptious” within the last two weeks? How about “succulent?” Have you recently been compared to or called by any of the following; muffin, sweetie-pie, lamb-chop, pizza-face, pumpkin? Do old people and dogs drool in your presence? If so, do not attempt contact with cannibals – they are keen on eating people just for their deliciousness. You probably taste more like pork than chicken – but most cannibals aren’t overly picky eaters.

Step Two Bring the cannibals well-intentioned gifts of blankets crawling with small pox.

Cannibals are suckers for blankets laced with small pox. Well, truth be told, they like blankets but are otherwise unaware of our propensity to infect our creature comforts with all manner of diseases to which they have no immunity. (Small pox being just one example.) This, of course, will be no fault of your own and your imperialistic tendencies will be masked behind your good-natured generosity. It’s called, “plausible deniability” and it has been used by sociopaths for centuries.

Step Three Clear away the dead bodies and the last vestiges of their culture.

You wouldn’t move into a new apartment when the previous tenant’s belongings and decomposing carcasses were still in the dwelling, now, would you? Of course not. Look. They were CANNIBALS for Pete’s sake! And they were standing in the way of progress – YOUR progress! With any luck, even YOU will forget they were ever there!

Step Four Forget they were ever there.

My, aren’t YOU the lucky one? Canni – who? This place is yours and always has been! Now, quickly! Legislate laws against anyone else moving onto your spit of land – especially those pesky cousins of the … whoever it was … that was here before!

And that’s all ye need to know! Go forth and build yer empire! (Because ye can’t have on o’ MY islands – I’m usin’ ‘em to look for new sources o’ un-renewable energy!)

Cap'n

Me and me love write letters of love to on another. Here be an example.

Ahoy me lass, You be sittin pritty, in me ole mine. Me seein eye has done run me in, with you bein in me site. Not stand on my own two feet I have the ability to do, when the likes of you be in me presents, And the heart of en man that I once was.... lay broken at thy feet a fair lass that you be. So if Cracky could kneel down on me leg of wood, your hand I would ask for to hold. Till Davey Jones and all his misery takes to the depths of tis vast sea of sorrows, fir all at has laid a sight on thee.

Me First Mate, Cracky (Matthew Scholle)

Ahoy Cracky!

My! That IS a love letter isn’t it? I believe it would make Percy Shelly soil himself with envy!

How can any wench resist ye?

Ahoy, Cap'n!

I have but one question. Which be the city in America that be havin' the most Pirattitude? I be seekin' adventure, but not be knowin' where to find it.

May the hole in which ye buried yer treasure be twice as deep as the hole in which we bury ye.

X

Ahoy X!

I believe the city ye're lookin' for is Seattle, Washington.

That's right - Grunge may be dead, but pirates live on! (And it's Cap'n Slappy's home town!)

Ahoy, Capn Slappy!

I be Captain Jenkins of The Geronimo and i must ask you....how do i get pirates to join me crew? Can ye help me by spreading the note that i be lookin for fellow men and women who are on the account? I need pirates to join me crew...thank you, Capn Slappy

Ahoy Captain Jenkins!

Just BE the Cap'n that YE would follow!!! That'll draw pirates to ye like dogs who like to roll in dead stuff to the carcass o' a bloated raccoon!

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

So who sez librarians can't be pirates?! I'll cast anchor in any that do, scupper me liver else! I'm employed at Cuyahoga Falls Library (in Cuyahoga Falls, OH...thats a bit south of Cleveland, for those what don't know), and we recently obtained a license to show movies at the library. Dec 9 will be Pirates of the Caribbean-At World's End. I've been volunteered to get all dolled up in me pirate togs...why they thought of me, I can't imagine. (They said I can't bring me cutlass in...which I think is a bad decision, for there's nothing that shapes up unruly library patrons faster that having a pommel of a dirty sharp cutlass crashing down on their table. I suppose they'll be telling me to leave me pistols at home, too...)

How'd I fall into such company as pirates, ye might ask. One of the earliest books I could read on my own was one of pirates...had a picture of Bart Roberts on the back, so it did. Also, piracy's in the blood...got me an ancestor who sailed alongside of Blackbeard...well, distant relation, anyway. Okay, I confess...I got no proof Joseph Curtice is any relation at all, other than his last name (different spelling), but it *would* explain a few things. Anyway, I've sort of adopted the man, whatever the relation.

Best version of Treasure Island? In me humble opinion, it would be the TNT made for tv version, with Charleston Heston as our hero, Long John Silver. Did a remarkable good job of it, so he did...air of quiet menace. Also had Oliver Reed as Billy Bones, Christian Bale as Jim Hawkins, and Chris Lee as Blind Pew. Music by the Chieftains, too, and you can't beat that.

Best fiction pirate book (other than the Sacred Writ of Treasure Island)? That'd be The Pyrates, by George MacDonald Fraser. Features pirates not as they were, but as they should have been...lots of buckles being swashed in the book, ye may lay to that. I strongly suggest it, and if yer local library has no copy, they can get it through Inter-Library Loan, if ye but ask. I think it's still in print, and can be found through Amazon. I need to replace me own copy.

I'll be sending ye a photo (one photo, as directed), after Dec 9. Oh, just as a point of interest, I recommended the library to purchase a copy of Pirattitude, which it did.

Mad Cap'n Bob The Terror of Springfield Lake And Small Bits of the Cuyahoga River

Ahoy Mad Cap'n Bob!

NOBODY better say librarians can't be pirates! If'n they do, they'll me a hard reckonin' at the savage business end o' me fists and forehead!

But ye did leave off one important book ...

Best non-fiction book by wise-assed pirates what got no business writin' books! PIRATTITUDE! SO YOU WANNA BE A PIRATE? HERE'S HOW!

Of course, that will be challenged come next International Talk Like a Pirate Day when "A PIRATE'S LIFE FOR ME!" comes out!

Make sure ye pick up several hundred copies of each for the entire Ohio library system!

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

Where did the saying 'scurvy dog' come from? I recently read an article for extra credit in my freshman biology class on ascorbic acid and scurvy to find dogs do not need ascorbic acid in their diets-they produce it in the liver. Assuming the said dog's liver is functioning, they have sufficient vitamin C and scurvy does not occur. So if dogs can't get scurvy, why do we have the insult 'scurvy dog'?

-Emily Mohr

Ahoy Doctor Emily!

I did some conferin’ with me own pooch, Buddy the Great Dane and he could neither confirm or deny yer scientific mumbo jumbo – but he’s also not tellin’ me where he buried me treasure – so it don’t prove nothin’!

Still, ye’re probably right about that whole “dog liver” thingy – so, I’ll just take yer word for it.

Fact is – the moniker, “Scurvy Dog” has got nothin’ to do with either dogs or the scurvy they may or may not have. Like most piratical banter (and Bob Dylan songs) it’s all symbol and allusion.

To call down “Scurvy” on a person is simply to denote Man’s unrepentant state after The Fall. We are all in a deprived and depraved condition that leaves us to the merciless march of decay and death. So, kind o’ a downer there.

But the “Dog” part is more hopeful. As we all know, a dog is a faithful friend in time o’ need who never waivers in their loyalty or devotion and is interdependent on the success of the whole rather than self-aggrandizement. By way o’ compliment, one might be called a “sly dog,” or even a “Snoop Doggy-Dogg.”

So, ye can clearly see that “Scurvy Dog” is simply meant as a reminder – it’s like sayin’ “Sure, ye’re a wretch – but ye’re OUR wretch!”

And, just for the record – no dogs were harmed in the making of this Ask Cap’n Slappy response.

Arrr... Cap'n Slappy

As one of the most respected Cap'n in all bodies of water you are officially invited to attend the "Pirate of the year award" ceremony on Cross Bone island (just below Skull Island) as you have been nominated for "Best Cap'n" award "Best Advice" award and "Most Wanted" award, the official panel of judges will announce the winner at the ceremony.

Hoping you attend

Cap'n Shady D. Eels

Ahoy Slim Shady!

Are ye the REAL Slim Shady?

Golly! I be all a-twitter about me many pendin’ awards! I just hope this one goes better than the last time I was up for several major awards and it turned out to be a trap set by me enemas! (And I really thought I had a shot at “Best Supporting Actress!”)

So, ye can RSVP me – I’ll be thar – but I’ll be incognito! (Just look for the pirate dressed as Big Bird!)

Ahoy me Cap'n,

So me crew and I be discussing the last Avatar the Last Airbender episode. We all agree that the ending was horrible, as the "adults" sacrificed themselves and sent the child figures along their way. Now me friend has a ponder for you- What would Aang's, Zukko's, Katara's, Toph's and Sokka's pirate names be. Also, do you think it was very noble of the adult figures to abandon the bretheren of child figures?

-Captain Jack Flint, The White Rune

Ahoy Whitey!

First, let me say, “What in the name o’ Poseidon’s scaly elbows are ye on about?!?” Is this one o’ them animus cartoons the kiddies are keen on these days? Because Cap’n Slappy can no sooner understand the mating rituals of fungi than figure his way clear to watchin’ an episode o’ any o’ them cartoonies what aint got Speed Racer in ‘em!

So, I don’t know about the nobility o’ adult figures who abandon’ child figures – but I have to think it’s probably not good.

But I do have some pirate names for ye – just to show I’m a good sport;

Aang – “Mr. Clean Pointy-Head”

Zukko – “Dingo Whoopsypants”

Katara – “Snuggums”

Toph – “Flopsy”

Sokka – “Brimstone McBean”

I hope that clears things up for ye! Now, go watch yer cartoonies!

Ahoy Capnslappy

I want know if there is something wrong with me. Every time I go pirate I get a Scottish accent? See the problem is I’m an Aussie…

Cheers me hearty

Chris.. Perth WA

Ahoy Chris!

Bein’ an Aussie may SEEM like a problem, but I know o’ many Aussies who live normal, happy lives. Ye’ve already taken the first step, “Admitting that ye be an Aussie.” But on to yer other problem …

Ye seem to be sufferin’ what cunning linguists call, “Recessive Pirate Brogue Syndrome (Scottish Variety).” RPBS (SV) is usually caused by two many viewings of the classic television series “Star Trek” and the condition appears to be chronic unless drastic measures are taken immediately. (Note: The Irish variety is caused by over-viewing of Lucky Charms cereal commercials.)

First – cease all viewings of Star Trek either in its televised form or any of the movies.

Second – Purchase Disney’s 1950 classic “Treasure Island” and study the speech of Long John Silver impersonator, Robert Newton. (The Patron Saint of International Talk Like a Pirate Day)

Finally – Send Cap’n Slappy a generous donation for his “Save the Pirate Talk Foundation.” (You won’t get better unless you do.)

That’s it! And stop rollin’ those “Rs”!

Dear Capn Slappy,

Me and me crew is thinkin’ of oppressing the town with our caroling skills this Christmastide. We was wonderin’ if ye have any sources for piratical Christmas carols. We have a few but would like MORE. Thank ye fer any info ye can offer.

Quartermaster Daire of the Cutthroats

Ahoy Quartermaster Daire!

I be as pleased as a smokin’ bowl o’ Christmas Bishop that ye asked this one! Just tack me own words onto some familiar Yuletide tunes and oppress yer neighbors with yer bellowin’ skills!

Fill the Decks!

Tune by – Some Dead Guy

Words by – Cap’n Slappy

(to the tune of “Deck the Halls!”)

Fill the Decks with Christmas Booty/Yo-Ho Yo-Ho Yar Yar-Yar-Yar-Yar!/Kiss yer lad or your Proud Beauty/Yo-Ho Yo-Ho Yar Yar-Yar-Yar-Yar!

Join us in this pirate carol./Yo-ho-ho Yo-ho-ho Yar Yar Yar!/Put some eggnog in a barrel/Yo-Ho Yo-Ho Yar Yar-Yar-Yar-Yar!

Christmas spirit is afore us/Yo-Ho Yo-Ho Yar Yar-Yar-Yar-Yar!/Though the lubbers do abhor us/Yo-Ho Yo-Ho Yar Yar-Yar-Yar-Yar!

For we take them at their leisure/Yo-ho-ho Yo-ho-ho Yar Yar Yar!/And relieve them of their treasure/Yo-Ho Yo-Ho Yar Yar-Yar-Yar-Yar!

Cap’n Slappy’s Comin’ to Town!

Tune by – Truman Capote – methinks

Words by – Cap’n Slappy

(to the tune of “Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town!)

Oh, ye better watch out! Ye better play dead!/He’ll give ye a beatin’ with his fists and head!/Cap’n Slappy’s comin’ to town!

He takes what he wants and gives nothin’ back!/He cannot retreat ‘cuz he’s on the attack!/Cap’n Slappy’s comin’ to town!

He knows when ye’ve been sleepin’! He knows just what to take!/He’ll leave you with a note that reads, “Where’s the cookies? Don’t you bake?”

Oh, ye better watch out! Ye better play dead!/He’ll give ye a beatin’ with his fists and head!/Cap’n Slappy’s comin’ to town!

Gold Doubloons

Tune by – Who are we kiddin’ I have no freakin’ idea.

Words by _Cap’n Slappy (Holiday songster extraordinaire)

(to the tune of “Silver Bells”)

Sails are flapping. Lips are chapping. Cannons roar in the night./In the air there’s this feeling of mayhem./People fighting. Pirates biting. Oh, it’s such a mad sight!/And on everyone’s mind is but this;

Gold Doubloons (gold doubloons)/Gold Doubloons (gold doubloons)/It’s Christmas time for the pirates./Get some soon! (get some soon!)/Gold Doubloons (gold doubloons)/Soon it will be Christmas day.

Waves are crashing. We look dashing. Even after the fight./And the whirling blue smoke is subsiding./Send them under! Take their plunder! We don’t know “wrong” or “right!”/We just know what we like and that is;

Gold Doubloons (gold doubloons)/ Gold Doubloons (gold doubloons)/It’s Christmas time for the pirates./ Get some soon! (get some soon!)/ Gold Doubloons (gold doubloons)/Soon it will be Christmas day.

And don’t forget to raise a glass to me ol’ pal, Santa Claus – wherever he may be!

Hey Cap'n Slappy

I've been having trouble gettin a crew for me ship, The Frothy Pot. It might be that I'm in Western Kansas, and the closest body of water is a dried up lake. I tried beatin up drunks so as when they wake up they're out to sea, but then they jump off and walk back to the shore. Pirate'n is a hard job out here. Do ye have any suggestions?

-Cap'n Snacks

Ahoy Cap’n Snacks!

Ye’ve set quite a challenge for yerself – piratin’ on a dried up lake. Seems thar’ed be precious little piratin’ to do – ye can hoist sails and weigh anchors and bring her hard to starboard until the cows come home (and I’m bettin’ thar be plenty o’ those on the horizon) but nothin’ is happenin’ without a pond to paddle in.

But fear not!

Ye may have terrible pirate potential – but ye have the makin’s o’ a great situation comedy! And with the writer’s strike – the public will be clamorin’ for new idearrrs!

Hell! It’s gotta be better than that damn Caveman show!

AHOY Cap'n Slappy!!

Arrrrgh, I be a student and a recent member of the local and friendly university pirate society. There be a problem there, in that there were a cap'n afore i did join and none o' the crew look to be pirate enough to stage a mutiny. Wot do I do, raise a new crew and slay the old un one by one? Or do I just have ta' Slay the cap'n and take 'is place? Failing that, do I just wait till he leaves and step up?

Yours with Mutinous intent

Cap'n Beardless Mike O' The Black Rat.

Ahoy Ratty!

Ye’re doin’ this Bass Ackwards! Ye’re a Cap’n in search o’ a crew and what ye need be a crew in search o’ a Cap’n. Pirates don’t mutiny! They hold elections! If ye live be they mutiny – ye die by the mutiny.

Get in. Roll up yer sleeves and do some pirate work! Then, when the crew sees yer natural ability to lead – they’ll elect ye!

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

Dear Captain Slappy, What is it about Pirates that make the wenches love us?

Ahoy Casanova Pirate!

Our crack research department has explored this question for eons and have developed this scientifically based top ten list of reasons –

Why the Wenches Love Pirates So Much

10. Lack of bathing produces resistant strain of irresistible pheromones.

9. Wenches are naturally attracted to treasure and pirates are a fine source of treasure and treasure by-product.

8. Pity instinct is piqued by chronic limb loss.

7. Nothing else to do on a slow Wednesday.

6. Smell of gunpowder residue is a strong aphrodisiac.

5. Not remembering previous encounter makes pirate treat her like every time is “the first time.”

4. They’re just in it for the saucy nicknames.

3. Free tickets to hangings.

2. Turning him in for reward money is a cottage industry.

And the number one reason why the wenches love pirates so much …

1. Rock stars haven’t been invented yet.

Rock on, Casanova pirate!

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

One of my friends is leaving on a trip and will be sailing and celebrating his birthday. He is into the Pirate Code and everyting. I was wondering how to wish him a happy birthday and great trip in Pirate language.

Can you please help with this one?

Ahoy Birthday celebrator!

In keeping with the grand tradition of overly long piratical diatribes (i.e. Barbossa’s “I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request.”) why not try, “A most felicitous celebratory salutation on this, the annual recurrence of your natal event. May yer winds be fair, yer seas be soft and yer wenches – ever accommodating.”

And many more …

Cap'n Slappy:

How ye be today? I'd been wantin' to ask ye, what would a young pirate (talkin' bout 14, here) do if me own family don't celebrate Talk Like A Pirate Day? They don't wan' me doin' it either. Anythin' there, Cap'n Slappy?

Cap'n "J" John

Ahoy Cap’n “J” John!

It is not me way to get between a parent and their parentin’ – however, if the adults in yer life were to take just a moment to visit our web site, I’m sure they would soon come to their senses and join in the spirit o’ the day.

If not – yer theirs until yer 18 – then ye’ll have to make up yer own mind … and pay yer own bills … and vote.

Ahoy Capn Slappy,

How does a swash buckler say bye in pirate lingo?

Ahoy Fare-thee-weller!

It all depends on how the swash buckler feels about the person to whom they are bidding adieu …

• Fondly: “Fair winds!”
• Friendly: “Off ye go!”
• Fancily: “May ye be awash in fortuitous endeavors!”
• Forcefully: “YOU GO NOW!”
• Fiercely: “YOU GO OR DIE!”
• Frightfully: “YOU DIE NOW!”

… and that’s just the “F” words!

Capn Slappy,

Would ye be able to tell me how to go bout bucklin' me swash

Ahoy Would-be Swash Buckler!

I would. But it's better if ye make it a journey o' discovery. Enjoy!

[Ol' Chumbucket adds: Ahoy Todd – just between you and me, and this is gonna sound just stupid but it's absolutely true – you swash your buckle. You never buckle your swash. Can't be done.]

Dear Cap'n Slappy

How soon after one starts dating should one do the bouncy-bouncy? Isn't there some kind of time frame for this stuff?

Horny at the Ocean

Dear Horny,

Do ye not know the ol' pirate nursery rhyme?

THE BOUNCY-BOUNCY

When yer feelin' fresh and flouncy /Time to do The Bouncy-Bouncy/ Drink a gallon, drink an ouncy/ Drink to doin' The Bouncy-Bouncy/ Let no fortnight spring and pouncy/ 'scape the chance to now announcy/ that in every berg and townsy /tis time to do THE BOUNCY-BOUNCY!

- by Edgar Allen Bouncy

So, I'm thinkin' a fortnight is plenty. What are ye savin' it for? Dessert?

Ahoy, Cap'n.

Though I be nuthin' more than a mere, deck-scrubbin' wench, I be askin' ye a question. What would ye do if ye be a werewolf?

I be a werewolf, savvy? And us werewolf pirate folk have feelin's, too! Why should we be shunned around, eh? Give me ye'r opin'n.

Yours most lovin'ly and wolfishy,

Salty

Ahoy me Lycanthropic Pal!

Who's a good boy! Yes! Hims is good boy! Yes! What a good puppy! Have a doggy biscuit!

Now, what's all this about bein' shunned? Did ye drool in the Cap'n's grog? Give the bosun fleas? Take a chunk out o' the ship's cook? (You know better than to bite the hand what feeds ye, don't ye?) Who says Salty is a BAD! BAD DOGGY!?!

Every pirate werewolf I've ever known has been a benefit to the crew - with the possible exception of them crew members what got eaten - but ye can't make an omelet without savagely ripping out the insides of the midnight watch on a full moon night, now, can ye?

Still, how can we help but love ye? Ye're not only man - yer his best friend, too!

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

Now you know there were tons of Spanish pirates. What do they say in Spanish? I even asked a guy I know from Spain and he didn't know. I told him he should be ashamed.

Thanks,

Melissa

Ahoy Melissa!

Shaming a Spaniard is like trying to teach a dead horse new tricks - something to do on a slow Wednesday, but nothing of which to be overly proud.

As for what Spanish pirates would say . me best guess is that they would say anything a non-Spanish pirate might say - only in Spanish.

Yours for multi-lingual piracy,

Ahoy me hearty! Cap'n-

How many minnows are in 11 whales if there are 3 minnows in 5 sharks and 2 sharks in one whale?

Also, i be havin' a bit o' lady troubulers. If the wench beats you with her fists and shoulders, does that mean the wench wants you to be leavin' her alone?

And me hearty parrot just died. I fed him too much rum. Five cups to be exact. In the future, should I be feedin me parrot a wee bit less rum?

Jack Flint

Captain No Beard's Crew

The Arctic Llama

P.S.--- Hey there! I really loved your book Pirattitude. it's by far the funniest thing I've read in years! Thanks for the laughs!

Ahoy Jack!

Dammit! This is "Ask Cap'n Slappy" not "Try Cap'n Slappy's Freakin' Math Skills, Dammit!" (Sorry about the extra "Dammit," but the point needed emphasis.)

But, I believe these be the answers ye're looking for!

a) 1.2

b) Perhaps, but if she hasn't filed a restrainin' order, it may just be flirtation.

c) Depends on the parrot and how fond ye be o' it.

Glad ye liked the book. If ye really love it, demand that every person ye know buy six copies and horde them like peanuts for the winter!

Best Fishes,

Oh Cap'n, me Cap'n,

I writes ter ye in a bit o' a pickle... as even th' un-saltiest o' lubbers may be able ter tell, it would be wisest fer one ter NOT ter poke fun ( or anything else) at th' Cap'n: but I'm afraid I can't help it!

I, as well as any what read yer magnificent book, know that it be one o' yer Dewey-eyed aspirations ter " make this pirate thing pay".

Well, right pleased I be ter tell ye that I've accomplished just that. Living in Long Beach. CA, I live in close proximity ter the majestic boat...err, ship, Queen Mary.

As ye might imagine, I couldn't let this opportunity ter pass, so I gathered me crew an' set out ter pillage her" royal majesty" ( "she could spare a bit!")

Ye can imagine me surprise ter see a whole flock o' land lubbers a' waiting entrance themselves. I then found out it was the audition day fer their annual Halloween maze Festival in which scallywags an' scoundrels can get all dressed an' scare the living daylights out o' payin' customers.

Sounds like a good deal eh? So I stuck around an' by the end o' the night I found meself under the employment o' her "royal majesty" via a letter o' marque type agreement.

My drunken requests were simple: " Just put me somewhere I can swash me buckles freely, or it's no deal." Much ter me delight thar is a maze position specifically geared fer those of us more swaggerin' types, so I took em' up on it.

So there ye go: not only do I get ter be me natural piratey, wenchy self every night AND get paid fer it, I also get ter scare as many people I want. Finally, I can make meself into a public nuisance an' have no fear of being thrown into th' brig!!!

An' really, I have ye ter thank, Cap'n Slappy. I probably had it in meself me whole life, but it took yer book ter truly unleash me Pirattitude, so fer that I thank ye hundreds o' time over.

I leave ye with this gratitude and this pearl o' wisdom: what are we gonna do if the Hokey-Pokey really is what it's all about????

Furthermore, if Jimmy cracked corn an' we don't care, why in the name of Davy Jones' sparkliest trousers is there a song about it??

Let me know as soon as ye think of it. As much love as this wench can muster...( WOW. That's a lot o' love.)

Lusty Legs Sammi

Ahoy me dear Lusty Legs Sammi!

And congratumalations on makin' yer pirattitude pay! Well done! Now, to answer yer questions; Many pirates have sacrificed limbs and body parts trying to find the answer to "The Question o' Life" by participatin' in "The Hokey-Pokey" by literally tossin' their left leg in - and then tossin' it back out! Call me a skeptic, but I think thar must be more!

And as for the ditty - the fact that Jimmy cracks corn is neither here nor there. We don't care! And do ye know WHY we don't care? Because our master's gone away! The song presupposes that we, as slaves, are so bereft in the wake o' our master's departure that we have lost all sense o' comportment when it comes to corn crackery whether instigated by Jimmy, Bobby or Gerard! Oh, I may pretend not to care, but deep inside, I'm a bubbling cauldron o' rage spurred on by centuries o' oppression! This song screams, "Plantation Revolution!" and I, for one, think Master has it coming!

Oh Cap'n Slappy

Please I need help I'm landlocked for many years (due to unfortunate throat slitting of powerful enemies) I need at least 5 books of pratitude both fictional and non-fictional what 5 do you think I should buy?

No Longer Cap'n Deed "the planner" Reid

Ahoy NLCD"tp"R!

Ye're in luck! I've got four book recommendations for yer immediate purchase with one to put on yer "WISH" list!

The first one be our best sellin' "Pirattitude! So You Wanna Be a Pirate? Here's How!"

Next, ye should purchase our book for the children - or the child in us all! "A Li'l Pirate's ABSeas!"

And if it be fiction ye're after - no book in the history o' the planet can match the swashbucklery and pirattitudinal majesty o' the first installment o' the tales o' our ship, The Festering Boil! Every man, woman and child should read and take to heart the lessons from, "The Diego Garcia Caper!"Also, you will thrill to the continuing adventures o' Ol' Chumbucket, Cap'n Slappy and the crew o' The Festering Boil in, "The Sao Paolo Caper!"

And that book for yer "WISH" list? Safe yer doubloons for next year's release o' our impending masterwork o' disproportionate pirattiness! "Book To Be Named Later!"

(Seriously, we're still hammering out the title. But once we have it, you'll be able to smell your inner pirate in the fresh print!) Of course, if you're in need of that fifth book now - ye can always check out our Book Links and join in Ol' Chumbucket's Book Club!

Good luck and happy reading!

To the dishonourable co-founder of the moste nefarious of Holidays e'er ter grace the sea an make us villianous knaves doff our caps in awe, Cap'n Slappy,

I have run aground o late due ter the fact that one o me best mates, a right fair pirate wench, has set her sights on scuttlin some landlubber what had half his brain knocked out by footballs. Unfortunately she comandeered me heart nigh three years past (She knows this) an e'er since I've bin lookin fer a way ter return the favor- with little sucess. an i can't be killin the bilge rat she fancies or ill be kicked out ter school.

Whats a poor pirate ter do?

Wishin ye a fair wind,

William the Phoenix

(P. S. Thank ye kindly fer yer help on me school paper last year, I gots an A)

Ahoy William the Phoenix!

Time to rise from the ashes or rejection, lad and fly to new fields where ye might find a lass who fancies ye! Do not mistake pining for romance! She's made it abundantly clear that her attractions lie elsewhere.

In the immortal words o' the attendant at the East German pavilion during the 1986 World's Fair, "Move along!"

Dear Cap'n Slappy

Me heart breaks, for i love a man i cannot love... Now don't get me goofed, I be no stalker, he and I have been dating for a bit now. We be skirtin' around the issue that I not be saved yet and it has finally arisen, it be taken a while for me to know God and I'm sure it'll take time out of mind plus more, and now we put a halt on our relationship to work on friendship until then.

Now I'm not one to complain, I be fine with being friends for the moment, but the physical and emotional attraction is still there and it gets harder and harder every moment we spend together, we'd like to plunder each others booty whenever we be alone and as you can guess that could be quite dangerous

. I guess me question that I'm gettin' at would be: What should I be doin' with all these emotions and pheromones flyin' around us? forever grateful

Sharp Boots Lizzie

Ahoy Sharp Boots Lizzie!

Religion and Love! Love and Lust! Lust and Religion! The tri-fecta o' interpersonal angst! It's like bein' between a rock, a hard place and some goo left over when the rock and the hard place smooshed a frog in between 'em!

But I digress on the issue o' frog durability.

The fact o' the matter is religious belief is very important to some as one o' the things they look for when assessing romantic compatibility. Here's what ye need to do.

a) Decide who ye are. Is yer desired one's religion right for ye? Is it what ye want or believe or are ye just hopin' to be accomodatin'. That latter one will surely lead to misery later. Be honest about what ye think or believe.

b) Decide what ye want. Do ye want him? Do ye want to be a part o' his religion? Do ye just want to be loved? (Is that so wrong?)

c) Decide where ye want this to go from here. It's damnably hard to "just be friends" when yer burnin' up inside to be with yer "pal." The heart is an engine that requires fuel - and nothin' fuels it like bein' in the presence o' unattainable amore'. Cut off the fuel. Let the engine cool and see if there might not be another source o' energy in the world for ye.

Tough love, Lizzie - but love needs a nice coatin' o' leather for it to last.

ahoy me hearty!

Me looking for piratey advice on what female pirate fashion be so Sink me with your piratey knowledge! thankies bucko from ye

Cap'n hannah

p.s. tell us where ye booty ful 'o doubloons be! arrrrrrrrrrrr

Ahoy Cap’n Hannah!

Always after me doubloons! Well, ye’ll not find ‘em, I tells ye! Never! But if ye’re looking for fashionable pirate togs for lads and lasses – look no further than our friend Shayna at Dress Like a Pirate Dot Com! Tell her Cap’n Slappy sent ye!

Dear Cap'n Slappy

What do u think about death?

Ahoy Nameless Death Questioner!

I have always believed that death is just a part of life. The very last part. And after that, we poop ourselves.

Avast!

I be cap'n of the Flaming Raven, and I got a problem. One of me shipmates is not quite sane and I worry she might be stirrin' up for a mutiny--and whenever I go belowdecks and she was there I see the rum is always gone! How do I make her stop stealin' me damned rum, for one, and for another, stop stirrin' up trouble aboard?

Charlotte Devilsword

Ahoy Charlotte!

I hate to beat a dead horse with me fists and forehead, but have ye applied a savage beatin' with yer fists and forehead liberally? Start there.

I don't advocate tormenting the criminally insane but thar be nothin' so clarifyin' and edifyin' as bein' on the receivin' end o' a particularly savage beatin' with the fists and forehead by someone who knows how to administer a savage beatin' with their fists and forehead. Call me ol' fashioned!

Should this prescribed course fail - it may be time to break out that plank - if ye get my drift. (Yer insane rum stealer most certainly will drift - for a while.)

Dear Capn' Slappy,

I be wonderin' about "The Black Spot". When, where and how did The Black Spot originate and who was the first salty sea dog to ever give it to some poor bilge rat? Do they really tear a page out o' the holy Bible to paint The Black Spot on? Have ye ever been given The Black Spot yerself and what's the first thing a pirate like I should do if I'm ever given such a thing? I say "curses to curses, me bucko"!

Good rum to ye,

Capn' Seamus Blunderbuss

Ahoy Cap'n Blunderbuss!

The truth about The Black Spot is that it was a literary device by Robert Louis Stevenson from his book, "Treasure Island." The Black Spot is given to a pirate by other pirates when it is determined that his offenses require harsh and permanent justice - the killin' kind. The first mention o' it is when Pew gives it to Billy Bones in Treasure Island and Bones dies o' a stroke.

Tearin' a page out o' the Bible for the Spot is a mistake as Long John Silver points out with curses upon the men what done it to him!

As for meself, I've been given the Black Spot so many times that I've papered me cabin walls with it - which explains why it looks like 101 Dalmatians exploded in me quarters! O' course, after the first couple didn't take, the lads started givin' me The Spot as a joke - kind o' like sayin' "Hope ye get small pox!" but not really meanin' it.

The first thing to do when ye get it is remain calm. Then, calm as ye please, punch some unsuspectin' pirate right in the eye and hand the spot to him, sayin' "Here! Ye take this! It brings out the colour around yer eyes!" This is the sort o' defiance The Spot likes and ye'll have good luck because o' it!

Best Fishes!

[Ol' Chumbucket adds: While RSL did use the Black Spot as a device, I've actually read somewhere possibly in "Under the Black Flag" but I'm not at all certain, that it was in fact a device used by real pirates. I'm not sure where I read it, but I'm certain I did, and I remember being surprised at the time because I had always assumed RSL made it up.

My suggestion would be to run this question past Jamaica Rose of No Quarter Given, As with everything else pirate, if she doesn't know the answer, she'll know who does. I'll write to her and get back to you as soon as I have an answer.]

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

My (ex) girlfriend sent me away with the following words "you are an callow, pubescen, dumb idiot. Tahts why i break up with you!" I never ever feeled so much beloved in my live........... Now i´m on my ship again..........to search the horizon

Captn flint

Greez with mozartkugeln through all the seas.........from vienna austria

Thomas Horwath

Ahoy Thomas!

Aye, thar be nothin' like a sweet-talkin' wench to keep yer keel firmly beneath yer feet!

"Greez with mozartkugeln!" to ye as well!

Dear Cap'n Slappy

I had a wonderful time celebratin' me first talk like a pirate day. But how can I survive the next 364 days to come without the swashbucklin conversation I've become so accustomed to? Any pointers in lasting through the long dark months of anti-piracy?

Captain Inkypig of the S.S. Mylilpwny

Ahoy Captain Inkypig!

Aye! I've got advice for ye - (That's why we call this section, "Ask Cap'n Slappy!") Ye can ask me any questions ye want in pirate talk all year round! I'll be here - ready to answer ye! Just part o' the piratty service. And ye can also form a book club and read our book, "Pirattitude! So You Wanna Be a Pirate? Here's How!"

The bigger yer book club; the more ye'll enjoy the banter - but make sure everyone buys their own copy! No Sharing! Pirates don't share! Ye can also stay abreast o' all things pirate with The Poopdeck, the most important occasional newsletter in the world! Of course, if ye're lookin' for pirate pals, try The Pyracy Pub!

So ye see Inkypig - ye don't have to limit yerself to one day a year!!!

Hello there Capn' Slappy!

I really enjoyed talkin' like a pirate all day yesterday, but in the process came up with another really great idea - International Walk Like an Egyptian Day! What advice would you have to give a guy who wants to take on a holiday of that magnitude? Any help would be appreciated!

Brad

Ahoy Brad!

We need to add a whole new section to our FAQ section called, "Have ye considered .?" The short answer, o' course, be, "Prolly not." With all the permutations o' "Talk Like a ____; Walk Like a ____; Sing Like a ___; Brandish Weapons Like a ___ Day" out thar, we've prolly not considered all o' 'em!

That's where ye come in! Thar be so many days in a calendar year just screamin' for some sort o' recognition!

Here's the formula to make yers every bit as popular as International Talk Like a Pirate Day! Just use the followin' as ye checklist;

• Think o' a day ye think others may enjoy or desperately need.
• Practice amongst a small group o' peers for a few years to work out the bugs.
• Recruit a Pulitzer Prize winning syndicated columnist to write a humorous piece about your day to a world-wide audience.
• Do between 30 and 80 interviews with media outlets around the world as your day approaches and on the day itself.
• Purchase a web site domain to match your day and persuade a talented friend who designs web pages to do yours for a couple of bottles of single malt scotch per year. (Set up CafePress store at web site to help pay for single malt scotch.)
• Have a wife or, failing that, have a partner who has a wife who makes things happen; like recruiting a literary agent on the promise of a book you and your partner have not yet written - and have that poor drunken sot of an agent to take up the challenge.
• Write book. (Research optional - beer and pizza a must.)
• When book doesn't sell right away, self-publish and sell thousands of copies on your own.
• Using your sales as a selling point, your agent can then sell your self-published book to a major publishing house.
• Spend your first advance on a weekend with a hooker.
• Re-write your original book with the help of a very talented editor. (provided by your publisher)
• Make appearances in support of your book and dress whimsically - in your case, like an Egyptian.
• Repeat interviews and media every year as your holiday comes around. Make every attempt to be a media whore.
• Write more books.

So that's it. Simple, really. Just follow this formula and before you know it, we'll ALL be walking like Egyptians - How does June 25th work for you?

M'dearest Capn',

Alas, there be a problem with th' capn'. I've found a small furry kitten, helpless it 'tis, and tho the capn' takes to sneezin' and a sufferin' mightily around the tabby, I feel our merry band of pirates would benefit from a bit o' feline distraction...and frankly I need the break. Too much cleanin' and swabbin' makes a wench less than merry; are we floatin' on the same piece of driftwood here Capn' Slappy? Should I be pushin' the kitty issue, or stay barefoot in the galley?

Alas and alack, or whatever the correct verbage is, I respectfully await your piratey opinion.

Dread Wench DaHora

Ahoy Dread Wench DaHora!

It's all about the choices. Ye can choose to have a kitty and a cap'n whose central facial area will henceforth be a mass o' oozin', flowin' goo or ye can have a non-mucousy pirate and no fluffy Mr. Whiskers-Boo-Boo-Face with which to cuddle and coo.

Yer cap'n can choose between a life o' familial comfort complete with respiratory distress and the sound o' baby-talk betwixt yerself and wee Fluffy-Fluffy-Puff-Puff or take to the safety o' the sea - far from pet dander and claw-marks and perhaps find carnal gratification with a sportin' wench from Barbados.

And Baby-Kitty-Foo-Foo can choose to be the wedge what cleaves yer happy home in twain or join a gang o' mauraudin' felines what stalks the wharf in search o' fish bits and the odd bilge rat.

But ye can't squeeze the proverbial balloon without deprivin' one segment o' precious oxygen whilst gorgin' the rest to near-explosive strain. On second thought, ye could make the damn thing and outdoor cat and spare everyone the drama.

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

Arr, but International Talk Like A Pirate Day be the height of me summer living and that includes vacationing off the Florida Keys, plundering the tourists. Nothing like talking in the piratical vernacular warms this old sea dog's heart more.

Indeed, I not be wanting to go back to talking in the lubber way. Shiver me timbers but that's no way to live!

However, whenever the telephone rings and I answer, the lubbers on the other end scream and hanf up. I be getting the evil eye at the office for me pirate and me peg leg.

What a poor salty cove like me to do?

Wild Eyed Johnny

"Rideo, ergo sum," I laugh, therefore I am

Ahoy Wild Eyed Johnny!

Telephone-machine skills are not a pirate's strong suit. If the powers that be expect ye to be answerin' the phone, it's their own damn fault for not providin' a translator or some other accommodation ... like not havin' ye answer the phone.

Yer office mates sound like they're in dire need o' a savage beatin' with me fists and forehead! Ask 'em, "Do ye need a savage beatin' with Cap'n Slappy's fists and forehead?"

If they're honest, they'll say, "Yes."

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

What are some good pirate insults? The best one I've heard is"Ye murderous landlubbing, goat-buggering be-atch-born bastard son of an economy-priced sporting wench", but that's pretty much the limit of my pirate insult vocabulary, if I want to insult someone on ITLAPD I ether call them a landlubber or that which gets old fast. Sailors and pirates are famous for having filthy mouths but google reveals no good insults.

Can you help me on this, Cap'n Slappy?

- Mad Davy Flint

Ahoy Mad Davy Flint!

After re-editin' yer question for the "family-friendly" folks what read this site, let me say that yer "original" were pretty powerful stuff and havin' that heap o' manatee poo dumped on the unsuspecting would sure leave a mark! But a clever cuttin' remark takes some careful thought and deft delivery.

To that end, I've developed the following template for the thoughtful insulter - just fill in the blanks with any of the suggestions found in parenthesis; "Ye ____________ (soggy-noggin'd, rum-wastin', stench-makin', barnacle encrusted, bilge pumpin') __________________ (louse bearded, monkey pumpin', cannon huggin', jingle-dancin', squid molestin') ______________ (worthless, brainless, gutless, toothless, useless) son o' a _______________ (fishmonger, goat-docker, monkey-bouncer, squid milker, real estate professional)."

And once ye get real good at it - ye can add yer own descriptors!

Avast ye scurvy dog,

My question be ye this:

ARRR! If ye be wearing a patchy pirate patch and ye smoke a satchel of tobaccy a day, do ye ever start be seeing Fancy Pants Nancies floating in a sea of Cannonballs? Walk me plank of happy clams?

Let me know please.

Cap'n Squirrley Beard

Ahoy Cap'n Squirrley Beard!

I think ye've been misled! That were no tobaccy patch ye wore - that were the "Shroom Swath" - the same product the Beatles wore when they went through their "Yellow Submarine" phase.

Cementhands McCormack confused 'em once as well and he cut off six shipmates' heads whilst singing, "Ooops Mrs. Magpie - Thar Go Yer Daisies!" and dancing what he called, "The Dance o' Me People," which resembled a cross between The Charleston and full-contact Ju-jitsu! There was nothing we could do but take to the long boats and wait for the hallucinogen to run its course.

Hi Capn

I spoke like a pirate for all of Lent this year. No , I did. Cos it was stupid and fun.

Yours

Old Whistler

from London, uk

Ahoy Old Whistler!

Ye've captured the true spirit o' International Talk Like a Pirate Day!!! It's stupid and fun!

(We'll probably make T-shirts to that effect and quote ye!)* *We'll keep the profits, of course. Pirates and all ...

Ahoy Cap'n Slappy!

It be Seth Locke, cap'n m'self. I been thinkin' (a dangerous thing for a pirate, I know), and I've came to the conclusion that we don't have enough holidays. Talk Like A Pirate Day is my favorite holiday, but I'm believin' we need more. Them land lubbers have all kinds of holidays (Easter, Christmas, Labor Day, etc.), but we sea dogs only have the one. Wouldn't you be kind, and get together with Ol' Chumbucket, an' make us another holiday? I be thankin' ye in advance. Fair sailin' for ye. Take what you can, give nothin' back!

Seth Locke

Ahoy Seth!

Ye'd be surprised how often we get this request - and not just from our pirate brethren (and sistren) but from folks what thinks there ought to be a day for everything from cold sores to a celebration of the enema.

But to be honest - one holiday the size o' International Talk Like a Pirate Day is about all we can handle.

Now thar be a fella what wants to declare September 20th "Walk Like a Pirate Day" and we're more than happy to encourage that - but like I said, we've got plenty o' work with the one we've got!

But don't let that stop ye - I'm sure a "Fight Like a Pirate" or "Eat Like a Pirate" or "Pursue an Advanced Degree in Global Economics Like a Pirate" Day are just what the world needs! Go forth and popularize!

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

How would you say, "My lip gloss be poppin" in Pirate speak?

Amy R Natoli

Ahoy Amy!

I'd change only two things: 1. "My" to "Me" as in, "Me lip gloss be poppin'!" And . 2. Me brand of lip gloss - as I am tryin' to de-emphasize the excessive puffiness o' me lips. Make-up!

Arrr! Cap'n!

I'm a fresh young pirate from Denmark. And i be wondering if i could have ye opinnion on me pirate songs? Here they be!

song 1:

A ship full of drunken pirates is floating near a golden island/The waves are splashing on the sand, a treasure they have in their mind/With shovels and guns they will find, and kill every man on their way/Soon they will yell loudly and say:

We're rich, we're drunk - Hurray!/We're rich, we're drunk - Hurray!/With treasures and rum they will say:/We're rich, we're drunk - Hurray!

song 2:

To that I'll drink! To that I'll fight!/Shipwrecks, Cannons, Gunpowder and RUM.

I will swim! I will fly!/Shipwrecks, Cannons, Gunpowder and RUM.

We will plunder! We will kill!/Shipwrecks, Cannons, Gunpowder and RUM.

There is no fear! THere is no love!/Shipwrecks, Cannons, Gunpowder and RUM.

It's a hard life! But we're alright!/Shipwrecks, Cannons, Gunpowder and RUM.

So come on and join us, be our friend./Lets sail again and again and again./Shipwrecks, Cannons, Gunpowder and RUM. HARR!!

what do ye think me cap'n? Let our quests fer gold meet again. -

Cap'n Granaut

Ahoy Cap’n Granaut!

I live for the day that I can shout, “I’m rich and I’m drunk – HURRAY!” Well done, me Danish pal!

Oh Bloody Barnacles

what has this gracious day come too? We let the lan lubbers tell us we can be speakin the pirate talk only a day a year. Why not speak like a scallywag land lubber day. I would give a small fortune for that, and then make them all walk the planks AARRRGGGGHHHH. Is there any speak of that Capn Slappy?

Rum Runner Redbeard and my grubby Parot Sea Chicken

Ahoy R.R.R.! (and Sea Chicken)

Aye! Thar be a "Talk Like a Scallywag Land Lubber Day!" It's comes around every day that isn't September 19th!

Of course, as a pirate, ye talk like a pirate every day - but we just wanted to make sure there was a day when the lubbers could acknowledge our contributions to culture and such! That, and we manage to lift a doubloon or two off o' 'em!

Pirate.

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

how do u ask some one if they want some cold beer or hot food?

- Anon.

Ye don't ask. Ye just lob a leg o' mutton and a tankard o' ale in their general direction and run.

Yar.

I be a sailor peg. I lost me leg to some trollop whilst i was unawares. The wench made off with it.

Me querry kind Captain,be.this,Yar.......How would ye go about finding a trollop with three legs? As im not learned in mathamacology or none sorts of numbers. Yar my counting aint none pretty. Yar i was just used fer flogging Im afraid. I can wield the cat-a-nine tails,yar,but cannot do numbers. ......20 lashes! they says. I just guesstimate. lashes is lashes.

Sincerely,

peg-leg-skates.

Ahoy Peg-Leg-Skates!

"How would ye go about finding a trollop with three legs?" Look for the trollop with the extra-billowy skirt - that can run fast! As for countin' - I never put much stock in numbers which may explain why my stocks never did that well.

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

My boyfriend and I are getting married this December. The wedding will have a pirate theme.

As I am Jewish, we are having the traditional glass break at the end of the ceremony. The action of shattering the glass conveys the message that "we have already broken something, we have passed the barrier of fearing the first time, and therefore in the future we shall also be able to break that which needs be changed and put together anew."

Traditionally after the glass is broken, the wedding guests say/scream "Mazel Tov" or "Congratulations". Since the wedding is a pirate one, I was wondering, what do you recommend the guests say?

Thanks.

Holly

Ahoy Holly!

Thar be hardly time on a pirate ship for congratulations, so it's not often that pirates give or seek it. But I can tell ye what Cementhands McCormack says to encourage success.

"That didn't suck!" or "That didn't suck too much!"

But if ye're lookin' for something that sounds a bit more "piratty," ye might try, "Well played!" or "Well met!" and if thar be an element o' surprise in the success, "Blow me down for an ol' sea-calf that didn't suck nearly as much as McCormack said it did!"

And if ye're lookin' to blend tradition with piration, ye may say, "Mazel Tov - ARRRR!" Who's to say there weren't Jewish pirates who said just that at pirate weddings!?!

Ahoy Cap'n Slappy!

I be unsure if I have pirattitude. I mean true real pirattitude! Not that "Oh I wear skulls and saw The Pirates o' the Caribbean movies so I must be a pirate" stuff. But that thar stuff that makes ye and Ol' Chumbucket true pirates.

I talk like a pirate. I dress like a pirate, and I be actin' like a pirate. Me mum even called me a scallywag the other day! But I still don't feel very piratey. Is thar somethin' I be missin'?

Cap'n Mary Bloodbuckets

Ahoy Cap'n Bloodbuckets!

Well, ye got a piratty name as well! And if ye can't take yer mum's word for yer scallywagosity, whose word can ye take?

But still, it's important to FEEL the pirattitude within ye - so let me ask this; "Have ye purchased several copies o' our book, "Pirattitude! So You Wanna be a Pirate? Here's How!" and given it to everyone ye know?!?" That's bound to boost yer internal sense o' pirattiness.

But as me sainted Grand-mammy McCafferty used to say whilst she pummeled me into abject obedience with her diabolic sheleighly o' doom, "First get yer thinkin' straight - then yer behavior will straighten right up!"

The combination o' yer wisdom and her incessant violence made me the pirate I be today!

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

Undoubtedly you will tell me to "Starrrrrrrrrt" me own 'oliday, but Sept. 20th should really be International WALK like a pirate day.

Let's stretch this thing out a bit now. See if we can't conquer the whole calendarrrrrrrrr.

What? You've already heard that!! Too bad, I thought I was being Arrrrriginal.

Quinn Mander

Ahoy Quinn!

Farrrrrrr be it from Ol' Chumbucket and meself to discourage, squelch or otherwise trample on the hopes and dreams o' anyone seeking to create another pirate-based holiday!

If this be yer dream - ye've got to reach out and make that dream a reality! Don't let the nay-sayers what say, "Nay" get in the way o' makin' WALK like a pirate day the perfect counterpoint to the previous day's talkage. In fact, it sounds like a wonderful day will be in store for any and all participating pirates on the go!

But as for us, we'll be spending our September 20ths in the manner to which we have become accustomed - celebrating, "Recovering From a Hangover Like a Pirate Day." And ye'd be surprised just how little walking is involved in that.

Keep us posted on yer progress!

Ahoy Cap'n Slappy!

As I can see, some of us pirate vocabulary be taken from the french language AHRRRRRR. So me wonder why isn't there a "Learn to speak french Pirate" link on your vessel, savvy .

Cap'n, me have a probl'm. I live in Québec city, and I'd like to be part of that great "talk like a pirate day" adventure. The problem is, it's still unknown here and I'm the only one kinda dressed like a pirate, saying "YARRRRR" and "AVAST ME HARTY" and "PREPARE TO BE BOAAAAAAAARDED" at people working with me...

The question is... HOW THE HELL CAN I MAKE IT HAPPEN?! Tell me how to make this wonderful day growing in popularity in a french province! Sincerely yerrrrrr!

David "Barbe Rousse" Lescarbeau

Ahoy Barbe Rousse!

First, the French issue. We would be happy to link to a French Pirate Talk Page as soon as someone were to write it! That’s how we got the German Pirate Talk Page and I can’t imagine any self-respectin’ French pirate would want to let the Germans get a peg up on ‘em … again!

As for getting’ it to take hold in Quebec – ye’ll just have to show that same grit and determination that yer ancestors showed when they carved a civilization out o’ the wilderness using nothing but a sharp knife and a beaver pelt! And now ye have a full year (well, just about a full year) until it comes around again! Plenty o’ time to plan a big event and get yer pals on board! Ye might even be able to use it to raise money for some charitable organization.

We’d love to make ye our representative to the French-speakin’ world!

Ahoy Cap'n Slappy

Is there another pirate term for the Cat O Nine Tails? Happy Talk Like A Pirate Day Ahhrrrr

Melanie Kent

Ahoy Melanie!

Aye! "The Pussy o' Pain!" But I quit callin' mine that when it made Cementhands McCormack giggle.

Ahoy Cap'n' Slappy,

Arr! I have a problem with lubbers mockin the name o me ship and laughing at me crew! No amount o skewering the lubbers with me cutlass (it's a nerf cutlass so as to comply with Occupational Health and Safety requirements) seems to stop the laughter.

I don't know what's wrong with the name o me ship so please help me Cap'n. She be a fine ship and a crew so brave that they commit deeds of daring-do that other pirates would lose control of their bodily functions if they even bagan to think about doing them. The deeds be so pants wettingly daring that I can't tell you about the daring or the do of the deeds for fear that even you Cap'n may lose the bung on ye bladder and be requiring the services o the washin wench ter clean yer britches.

Because me crew was so brave I named me ship the good ship "Bladder Control". Rather than striking fear in the hearts o seamen n lubbers alike it only seems to bring mirth.

Where did I go wrong Cap'n?

Arr!

Yours in legs crossed anticipation

Cap'n Goitre*

(* People do say I have an ugly lump on top o me neck but just tell em "That's me noggin")

Ahoy Cap'n Goitre!

Speakin' as the Cap'n o' The Festering Boil I think I can say with some degree o' certainty that it's not the name o' yer ship, but the crew on yer deck that will strike eternal fear and confusion into the hearts o' yer foes and from yer vivid description I'd say ye've accomplished that indeed!

And that "mirth" ye're seein' isn't "Happy Mirth" as in the kind o' mirth one feels when one watches a sassy Frenchman fall victim to a savage beating with the fists and forehead o' one who knows his way around a savage beating! No! It's the kind of "Nervous Mirth" one might see in someone who stares The Devil in the nose and releases his bowels in his britches!

In fact, just readin' yer missive caused me to break an uncommonly moist wind! It was either that or the can of tainted clams I ate for dinner.

Yours in gastro-intestinal distress,

Cap'n Slappy,

Is is okay to tell ye old barwench that her booty is spankable?

Arrrrrgggghhh, Ye olde swashbuckler,

The Parrot Whisperer

Ahoy The Parrot Whisperer!

"Okay?!?" Why, lad, to me own way o' thinkin' it be mandatory! Now, o' course, it would be wrong - dead wrong - to go ahead and give those round mounds o' luv-pillows a slap without her sez-so.

But ye best be providin' VERBAL feedback o' their manifest spank-a-bility!

Baby wanna know she got BACK!

Ahoy!

I were visitin' yer web page and me eyes were seein' that you were havin' an advertisement fer the Puzzle Pirates game. I be havin' to know if ye play it! If so, which ocean does ye play on? Me husband and I play on the midnight ocean and sail under the names of Smashbeard and Scaggles. Harrrrr! We just be curious, mate!

Thank ye cap'n,

Jenifer Patterson

Ahoy Jenifer!

While I think Puzzle Pirates be a splendid game and would never turn down their lucrative endorsement doubloons - I do not, meself, play. Not that I don't have more time on me hands than I know what to do with or lack the rudimentary computer-box skills necessary to register - oh, wait. That IS the reason - I have no free time and need help turnin' on this here contraption much less do anything beyond the basic skill o' pushin' the board with all the letters and findin' the button what says, "send."

But the midnight ocean sounds nice. Does it have the elusive pufferfish?

Ahoy Captain slappy

I want to know how can I get my ex boyfriend to stop tring to contact me. He has another wench now but keeps tring to either call me or contact me and I just want the Village rat to leave me alone!

The last time he be using his wenches myspace to try to contact me.I told him all kinds of names and the scurry dog wont leaves me alone.

Signed

The Evil Eye

Ahoy The Evil Eye!

The most sure-fire way to get yer ex to stop trying to contact ye is to simply cut off his head. Now I know. This sounds a bit harsh, but it works with astonishing certainty. Ye see, he can't do much without his head - such as;

• Eat a snow cone
• Wear a hat
• Attend any number of Broadway shows
• Disagree non-verbally
• Respond sensibly to the phrase, "Hey! Look at that!"
• Continue to contact ex-girlfriends in an annoying way.
• Blow his nose

So, you see, The Evil Eye, you can severely limit him socially by cutting off just one torso appendage - but you just have to be selective about which one that is. As for me, I'll go with the head every time!

If that fails, try filing a restraining order.

aye, me matey,

how do i be makin' me beauty's first time in bed with me as 'special' as she be wantin it to be? candles n the lot be what shes wantin' i take it but any advice ye be givin' on the overall 'presentation' of the evenin?

hearty thanks to ye,

cap'n blondebeard

Ahoy Cap'n Blondebeard!

Yer question makes me hearken back to me own "first night." Twas at Sister Lucy's House o' Harsh Discipline in The Dry Tortugas! Me Ol' Man paid for a sportin' wench they called, "Gumby" as well as a team o' stunt doubles in case the whole event went south. She was flexible, I'll give her that!

But enough about me tenderized youth.

Tis me understanding that wenches like their first time to be a feast for the senses - and when I say a feast, I mean satisfying and not at all nauseating. So use this handy checklist to make sure things go "just so."

• Bathe self and give "nethers" a good rub-a-dub-dub!
• Put on best clothes (cleaned and mended)
• Purchase and chill a nice bottle o' ripple.
• Light one hundred scented candles and place around room
• Box up all porno and send to friend's house.
• Practice saying girlfriend's name during "practice climax."
• Repeat. (You don't want to get this one wrong.)
• Sprinkle rose petals on bed. (Remove stems and thorns)
• Purchase and play Sade's album, "Promise" (Seriously)
• Fill a popcorn bowl with condoms and place by the bed.
• Place sign that reads, "First Round" by popcorn bowl.
• Keep an I-Pod filled with sports teams fight songs nearby. (for your own inspiration and to drown out the Sade)
• Afterward, cuddle with her until she falls asleep.

And avoid these common pitfalls for lovers:

• Resist temptation to nipple-twist and say, "Dialing Tokyo!"
• Do not call the act of love, "The Bouncy-Bouncy."
• Do not compare her performance with that of her sister.
• Do not compare her performance with that of her mother.
• Do not compare her performance with that of Millard Filmore
• Resist temptation to yell, "I WON! I WON!" at climax.
• Do not, under any circumstance, "Fart-n-Fluff."

Ye might want to tape this checklist to yer headboard - it'll be just like havin' Cap'n Slappy right there in the room with ye two kids! Like the drunken pirate love-makin' coach I be!

Tally-freakin'-Yo-Ho-Ho!

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

But what about the fight between a Pirate and Ninja;inquiring minds(??!!/) want to know. Thar be too many young landlubbers 'ere who think Ninjas win the battle hands down because of their stealth.Us older folk thinks we be pullin' an Indiana Jones on these Ninjas before they realize whats hit them. Besides Ninjas can't even talk;but use that thar sign language to communicate. Let's hear it for the Pirates on the block;arrgh,lets make them plankers mateys!!

Capn Nick

Ahoy Cap'n Nick!

Have ye not seen our YouTube video in which we scientifically settle this argument once and for all?

Besides, the fact remains that Pirates and Ninjas have an evil enemy which will require them to join forces to stave off the madness that this enemy intends to inflict upon us all!

"Who be this ruthless force for wickedness in the universe?" ye may ask.

Clowns. They must be stopped!

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

AAArgh! This is a sad tale of woe indeed an' any guidance would be received wi' gratitude.

The ol' pirate vision ain't wot is was an' I wen' along to have me eye tested - but the gen'l'man in the white coat insisted I remove me eye patch! As you c'n imagine, I 'ad to choke back un-pirately tears of anger at this slur on our brave c'muunity. I grasp'd me cutlass tightly an' tol' 'im exac'ly wot I thought of 'im an' then 'ad to suffer the indignity of being 'eld in 'is brig - cunningly disguised as an ex-am-in-a-tion room whilst 'e called the p'lice...

I escaped through a tiny window in the back an' am now in 'iding; I fear I am being watched but I can't tell who they is as I still can't see very well...

Can you tell me where I can find a trustworthy quack capable of rustlin' me up a single spectacle so I c'n see 'oo the blackguards are an' run 'em through with me trusty cutlass? That should sort 'em out an' all will be well agin.

Cap'n Penny the Black Queen of Portsmouth

(The room be'ind the cellar wall Buckingham House 'Igh Street Old Portsmouth England )

Ahoy Cap'n Penny!

Now before ye go purchasin' a fancy Braille cutlass - stop by and have Doc Burgess take a look-see at yer "no-see." O' course, if he does fit ye for that monocle ye so richly deserve, yer pals are apt to start callin' ye "Colonel Klink" for reasons best left mysterious.

But should this happen, do not despair. Just look yer mate squarely in his two-dimensional face and say, "Zhat's ADMIRAL Klink to you, Hogan!"

As for meself? I see nosssing!!

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

So all these years we've been misspelling, and perhaps even misspoken the word Arrr!????

We've always growled and scrawled it (in blood or ketchup) as "Arrggh!" although the number of r's and g's is left to wonder how much grog you've had.

What gives?

Capt. Scruff E. Beard

Ahoy Capt. Scruff E. Beard!

Now, let me be clear. The "Arrr/Arrrgh/Yarrr" controversy will wage long after we've all been nicely wrapped up in our hammocks with a cannonball weighting down our feet and tucked away in Davy Jones's locker!

Ol' Chumbucket is a champion o' the Arrr!"

He also finds "Yarr" acceptable for the European and Antipodean sets, but to his way o' thinkin', "Arrrrgh," is a sound o' pain - the kind o' pain ye might experience if ye sat down hard on a belayin' pin!

As for meself, I don't care so long as ye Arrr! Arrrgh! or Yarr! from yer very soul! Anything less, and I'll be forced to administer a savage beating with me fists and forehead - and ye don't want that, do ye?

Kisses!

Ahoy Captain,

I have this job like thing in a grocery store. The manager doesn't think that National Talk Like a Pirate Day justifies dressing up like a pirate for work. She seems to think that the "checkers" or "cashiers" should be more professional.

What could be more professional than a Pirate? It wasn't like I was going to take a sword to work. I'm a good person. Our daughter's 4th birthday party even had a pirates. Well I had to manly up the pixies thing my wife started.

Should I start a mutiny at the store, plunder the store, or leave the place a bloody mess?

Of course I could write a letter and say how dissapointed I was in the establishment, but I don't think that would have the same effect. Any suggestions?

Mad Captain Rubberpants

Ahoy Mad Captain Rubberpants!

Now, normally I would say somethin' like, "Bugger yer boss, take over the loud speaker and cry, 'Clean up on aisle four - my pimply pirate arse!!!'"

But ye've got a wee one to consider - so keep yer celebration low-key. Greet customers with a normal sounding, "Ahoy!" or greet the local lady o' the evening with a friendly, "Yo Ho!" Not enough to raise hackles, but enough to draw notice.

And if they ask, just say, "It's International Talk Like a Pirate Day." All calm and normal like.

And if they argue, just direct 'em to our web site and Cap'n Slappy will set 'em straight!

Fight on!

Capn Slappy,

We here have been havin' a heated battle about who would win a fight between a Pirate and Ninja. And since we admires you alot the 2nd question be when you and Ol' Chumbucket will be doing a movie. Thanks for yer time.

Capn Nick Ahoy

Cap'n Nick!

Now, we HAVE been doin' some o' them YouTube videos so ye can have a look and ask yerself, (as we do daily) How long can Hollywood ignore such talent!?!

I think ye'll find the answer to be somewhere in the billions and billions o' years. I'm ready for me close-up!

Hi,

We have a new arrival scheduled (c-section) for September 19th. Any advise for the new one? Parties or games to be had at the hospital?

Thanks,

Merril & Rina

Ahoy and Congratulations!

Instead o' handin' out cigars, Merril should pass along eye-patches! Everyone in the delivery room should have one! Now, if they make a "Cannon Binky," make sure ye buy 'em by the gross!

And I think, "Slappy" makes a great name for a wee lad or a wee lass!

Happy Birthday, me little matey! Unleash yer pirattitude on the world!

Cap'n Slappy

September last were a big rum-chugging pirate fest for me and me fellow crewmates, but this year the crew not be being "piratey" enough. They be too interested in ninjas and their ipods.

I be askin' how to make a buccaneer out o' each one.

Dread Quartermast' Drake

Ahoy Dread Quartermast' Drake!

Ye can't make buccaneers out o' poncy wee tarts! Send these mimsy lads off the plank and get some new ones - and pick better next time!

Ahoy Capn Slappy,

I be needing your advice. I've got meself two lousey bilge rats what purport to be me ship mates and nether of em be no good. Truth be, a haen't seen sight nor sound of em in weeks. I'm thinking they be scallywags who ort to be keel hauled. I be thinking that if either of the swashbucklers be botherin me I'd jest shove em into the barrel o salt.

Would you be thinkin I was harsh? (Capn Slappy - if were to be doing this, I'd be sure an feed the parrot what belongs to one of em, and I'd be sure an check em for fake teef what might be used better by one of me more reliable hands).

Long Jen Murray

Ahoy Long Jen!

Ye're a pirate with a heart o' purest gold! If it were me, there'd be savage beatin's with me fists and forehead all around before feedin' their intestines to the ship's goat three inches at a time! (Includin' the bird!)

But to answer yer question, "No. I don't think ye were harsh!" Ye ol' softy!

\yar, cap'n slappy

why is the rum always gone?

buckets the monkey

Now Buckets!

Great Neptune's Man Nipples! Ye know damn well why the rum's gone! Ye used it to fill the heart-shaped tub in the Honeymoon Suit!

Damn yer "Young Lovers" specials!

Ahoy, Cap'n Slappy!

I be homeshcooled. I did it to get some more freedom, but becouse of me choice to do so one o' me crew mutinied and and the rest followed her . I haven't talked to any of them in nearly a month!

This year be my first year to cellebrete Talk Like a Pirate day but I haven't a clue how to do so all by me self, also I be to young to drink!

how do I go about gettin' past all of these blasted restrictions and problems caused by me age and me former crew and celebrate TLAPD proper?

Captian Spitfire

(p.s. I am still new with the concept of talkin' like a pirate as well so please forgive me if I sound like a complete idiot)

Ahoy Captain Spitfire!

Ye need better mates! Now, I know ye young people have more rules than us ol' codgers - and thar be good reasons for that, I'm sure - but that doesn't mean ye can't enjoy the spirit o' International Talk Like a Pirate Day!

"What is that spirit?" ye ask.

It's the spirit to do something incredibly inappropriate and yet, get people laughin' around ye whilst ye do it!

This can be at yer local mall. A supermarket.