Ask Cap'n Slappy

Now available as an RSS feed!

Somethin' troublin' ye, matey?

Cap'n Slappy stands ready to answer new questions, so fire away. Whether yer worried about yer love life, or concerned about the fine points of pirate etiquette, Cap'n Slappy's yer man. All answers guaranteed 100% alcohol-fueled. Just click on the link below

capnslappy@talklikeapirate.com

to send the Cap'n yer query about life, love, fashion or dastardly doin's on the High Seas. Don't fergit to sign yer missive with yer pirate name!

Meantime, check our FAQ fer answers to some o' our most oft-asked questions.

NEW: Cap'n Slappy's on Twitter, as "thecapnslappy." Catch him there - but be gentle. He has no idea what he's doing.

P.S. If ye have photos ye want us to post in our gallery, send ONE to the Webwench. Ol' Cap'n Slappy is a bit o' a Luddite, and yer pictures keep crashin' his computer.

We get fan mail, too!

The Cap'n answers yer questions:

(latest questions are at the top o' th' list.)

YO!

WHAT IS UP MY BROTHER FROM ANOTHER MOTHER!

i have this problem that has me so bamboozaled im talking like a crazy person ya dig?

ya see...the other night i saw uhm... bill clinton on tv and stangley thought "word i'd love to get boned by THAT!" and this is a problem... SERIOUS PROBLEM... and i also keep having dreams of the...sexual nature about him

HOW DO I SLAP MYSELF OUT OF IT?!
BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY HOW DO I MAKE THE DREAMS STOP?!

Lots of Love
Captin Strange Lovin' of the 'Ol Prez

Ahoy and Yo Ho Captin Strange!

If I understand ye correctly, I do, indeed “dig” what ye be layin’ down, Homeskillet!

In fact, I can sympathize entirely. The lure o’ a powerful person can be an irresistible force! This became crystal clear to me when me own main squeeze, Madeline Albright threw down and chicken-scratched the livin’ daylights out o’ me latest saucy minx-on-the-side – Ms. Margaret Thatcher.

Fortunately, their “Battle Royale” raged on long enough for me to slink off to a cozy love nest with the newest, bestest, greatest love o’ me life, German Chancellor, Angela Merkel! She calls me her little, “Wurst-Klumpen der Liebe.”

So don’t fight yer dreams – give in to the power o’ unbridled world-leader-luv!

(Just make sure he pays for yer dry cleanin’!)

Cap'n Slappy

I must know, are they any pirate recipes what are the best pirate meals and how do I make them?

-Chef Luke Lucian III on the slime pool of vomit

Ahoy Chef Luke!

Aye! Thar be pirate recipes! At least in theory – I don’t know o’ any per se – but I’ll be jiggered if thar be none!

How do ye make ‘em? Well, ye make a recipe by sittin’ down with a piece o paper and a pencil or pen – then, ye think about how ye made that dish ye thought were so yummy and write down the ingredients and a step-by-step process that any dunderhead (save Cap’n Slappy, who couldn’t follow a recipe to save his sainted mother’s soul) can duplicate.

Next thing ye know – ye’ve got yer own television show on the Food Network (I’d suggest changin’ yer reference to The Slime Pool o’ Vomit – some viewers may find that a bit off-puttin’.)

Now ye’re cookin’ with wood!

Ahoy, me dear Cap'n Slappy!!

For this be the first time I be writting to yer person. Just a doubt : how much are the prices for ships and that stuff? I ma planning to go on a 8-month trip the year 2033 and need to get info about the requeriments... maybe it is a mad plan, but it will be me greatest dream ever!! Hope the British Army doesn't capture ya!!

Red James Rackham A.K.A. Folkenio, Proud Cap'n o' the Folkenizer
When Darkness Falls, Folkenio Will Be There

Ahoy Folkenio!

First things first – if the “British ARMY” captures me, I’ve taken a seriously wrong turn somewhere and DESERVE to be caught! Now on to the part where I gouge ye for ever ha’penny ye got …

I can’t speak for any other ship, but me own ship, The Festering Boil lists her price as follows:

• The Festering Boil: One and a Half Million Doubloons
• Sails, Rope, Anchors and Cannons: One Hundred and Seventy Thousand Pieces o’ Eight
• Not Being Able to Get that Special “Cap’n Slappy Man-Funk” Smell out o the Captain’s Cabin: Priceless

And if ye’re lookin’ just to charter a trip, I can make it all available to ye by the year 2033 for the (inflation adjusted) fee o’ just Six-Point-Nine Billion Pounds. I’ll even include meals (drinks not included; man-funk smell free of charge).

Book now! Our bilge is fillin’ fast!

Ha Cap'n,

I am Lt. Lawrence with Depoe Bay Fire Dept. We are in a treasure hunt on Aug. 23rd and we need a team name! Do you have any great ideas? Our team is made up of 4 Firefighters.... Please help us so we do not end up in Davey Jones locker....

Thank you,

Sonia

Ahoy Lt. Lawrence!

This be a real challenge! A team o’ Firefighters in a pirate treasure hunt – how about one o’ the followin’?

• The Jolly Nozzles
• Red Suspenders at Sunset
• Ready! Aim! Suppress That FIRE!
• The Dalmatians o’ Damnation
• The Flaming Freebooters
• The Burnin’ Buccaneers
• The Smokin’ Swashbucklers
• Four Alarm Pirates
• Hose Slingers o’ the Caribbean
• First Responders – Secondary Plunderers
• The Corsairs o’ Spontaneous Combustion

That’ll get ye started – be sure and let us know what ye decide so we can bet our doubloons on ye!

Ahoy Tharrr Cap'n Slappy

I've been with me wench for many years, now she be hinting she wants to be married and have babies, how do I make her forget marriage and babies, I am not a marriage and fathering pirate but I still like me wench your help is greatly appreciated

Pirate Cap'n and Chef "Bacon" Bryan J. Bryce

Ahoy Cap’n Bryce!

So long as two things remain true – ye needn’t worry;

1) She continues to “hint” and not come straight out with it. And …

B) Ye remain a “guy.” (As all guys retain a plausible deniability when it comes to picking up on even the clearest o’ “hints.”)

Ye’ll be fine until that day when she grabs ye by yer puffy man-cheeks and whilst making puppet-like movements thus forcing your mouth form the words as she says, “I want to get married and make babies right this very instance!” then, reacts with near-psychotic euphoria at your “spontaneous proposal” … well … you get it. The “I didn’t get the hint” argument is out the porthole and ye’ve got some “choices” to make.

Don’t get me wrong. Thar be some perfectly good reasons to settle down and produce genetic extensions o’ yerself! I get it! It appears to create “meaning” in people’s lives – but as a pirate what never had no wee ones (as far as I can legally be held responsible to know about) I take great delight in whippin’ up the beloved children o’ me friends and relations into a frenetic whirlwind o’ destruction and shovin’ off just as the effects o’ me spurrin’ on turn to violence and destruction. At a distance, me loved ones can hear me say, “Uncle Slappy was not blessed with children!”

Will nobody think o’ the children?

So ye can “dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge” in this grown-up game o’ dodge ball ye’re playin’ until she finds the courage to say it straight up – “I wanna get married and have babies!”

Or, ye can do somethin’ utterly remarkable and grown up – ye can talk honestly about yer feelin’s for her and what it is ye want out o’ life. Who knows, ye may find common ground! Unfortunately, that “common ground” may be that what ye both want doesn’t match up – but at least ye’ll give each other the thing that two people in love OUGHT to give each other – The Truth.

It’s time to decide what to give – and what to take.

And of course, ye never know when Uncle Slappy might stop by to create a little mayhem with the wee ones!

Arrrrrr... Cap'n Slappy

What is the worst insult you can give to a pirate?

- - Cap'n Clark Son o' the fearsome Parrot Meat pirates

Ahoy Cap’n Clark Son o’ the fearsome Parrot Meat Pirates!

It be time for another TOP TEN list! (With apologies to Brother Davy Letterman)

TOP TEN INSULTS FOR PIRATES

10. Manatee Tease

9. Swishbuckler

8. Landlubber

7. Crotch Barnacle

6. Plank Dancer

5. Lily-Livered Landlubber

4. Rum Waster

3. Charter Member o’ the North American Man-Goat Love Association – or – NAMGLA

2. Swede

1. Lily-Livered Lobster Lickin’ Lazy Lackey Landlubber – or – LLLLLLLL

Feel free to get drunk and just read down the list next time ye want to really give some worthless pirate “the business!”

Deaaaarrrrrr Cap'n Slappy;

I got meself a conundrum the size o' the leviathan. I set out for high adventure on the seven seas dollied up as a lad three years ago. Two weeks out to sea, th' crew found me out, an' though they've been fair civil for scallywags and ain't kicked me off, I've been POWDER MONKEY e'er since!

Three years a' this, an' I been a hard 'nuff worker, done whatever job's asked o' me, some o' the crew have warmed up to me an' taught me up right how to fight an' to drink an' all sorts a useful things. I'm a steady an' seasoned crew member by now, an' yet I am STILL powder monkey wi' all the status an' share of booty what goes wiv it--near none.

Short o' evisceratin' or beddin' the bos'n, which I'd really like to avoid as losin' me reputation's one thing an' losin' me reputation as an honest pirate's another, how's a female pirate to get ahead in the workplace?!

Arrr,

Salty Sarah Sassmouth

Ahoy Ms. Sassmouth!

Aye, ye be bumpin' up against the "barnacle ceiling!" (Never a pleasant experience - so I'm told.)

But fear not! Ye needn't sacrifice yer reputation in order to gain status!

What ye need is a six-pronged attack on the entrenched sexism o' yer crew mates - a sort o' public relations strategy. Something I call, "P.I.R.A.T.E."

• P - "Politic"(Be shrewd and tactful in expressing the wrongness o' their misguided ways. Appeal to their sense o' fair play.)
• I - "Intimidate" (Use yer powerful "Wench Skills" to make 'em feel small and stupid for their sexist attitudes.)
• R - "Reassure" (Some pirates fear that supportin' equal rights for wenches will turn them into "toe-tappin' Broadway musical lovers" - launch a re-education campaign that assures them that perfectly heterosexual lads can value the contributions o' their female co-pirates without sacrificing their "he-man" status. Also, let them know that their homophobic responses are simply a manifestation o' their own sexual ambiguity.)
• A - "Assess" (Gage the progress o' yer strategy with ship-wide polls that ask questions in such a way as to shame and educate while testing prevailing winds of opinion.)
• T - "Take" (When presented with an opportunity to go up against a stereotype - TAKE that opportunity! TAKE advantage o' the areas o' yer expertise! And TAKE on those hold-outs who think ye may not be up to the task! Some men listen to reason - some need a savage beatin' with yer fists and forehead - TAKE 'EM ON!)
• E - "Endure" (Success may not come overnight - but it WILL COME! Losing heart will only convince the chauvinist piggies that ye weren't up to the task in the first place! Failure is not an option!)

So, Salty Sarah Sassmouth - there ye have it! A strategy for success! Also, ye might try hiring a P.R. firm that charges exorbitant fees and can come up with pithy slogans on a moment's notice - how about "The Slappy/Chumbucket Group?"

Fight on, Sistah!

Ahoy Capn Slappy-

Me mates and I are throwing a pirate themed party and can't come up with a sufficiently catchy or funny enough name for our festivities. Can you help out?

- Anon.

Ahoy Party Planner!

Here’s a few suggestions off the top o’ me noggin’!

• Buccaneer Bash
• Freebooter Follies
• Swashbuckler Soiree
• The Corsair Cotillion
• Le Promenade du Pirattitude
• Party o’ the Pillage People
• The Black Flag Ball
• Sea Robbers Roister
• Black Spot Bacchanal

Hopefully one o’ those will catch yer fancy – or inspire ye to come up with another one ye like!

Party on, Pirates!

Ahoy, Capn’ Slappy.

I finds meself once again in a puzzled state, for it seems me crew of usually dim and slack jawed bilge monkeys are a wee bit smarter than I’se gives ‘um credit fer.

Fer instance, I’ve taken it upon meself to edgicate these deckhands with a little nautical haberdashery every now and again. Our last session, while sittin’ around a campfire on the beach, I was asked the age old question “Capn’, how be the best way to keeps the cannon balls from rollin’ about the deck and wrecking havoc with the crew as they’se attemptin’ to fulfill their work of cleanin’ and tackin’ the ship? “ This be a question of some import as we be gittin’ ready to fit out our square rigger with her first set of guns and this seemed like an honest concern.

So I tells ‘um what I learnt from me Great grandpappy about the proper stowage of said 9 pounders. I says to ‘um: “The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon."

There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make them of brass - hence, Brass Monkeys.

Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.

Thus,it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.

Ye know, they called me on this and says I was a makin’ said jest upon ‘um and this twern’t true!! Now I ask ye, good Capn’ of all knowin’, be this a truthfull statement of nautical knowledge, or was me Great Grandpappy blowin’ smoke in me sails????

I await yer judicial divignation upon this paultry dilemma.

Hacks and slashes,

Capn’ Crosseye

Ahoy Cap’n Crosseye!

Well, I hate to be the one to break this to ye, but Great Grandpappy was tuggin’ on yer monkey balls!

Any seaman worth his salt keeps a clear deck – and even on the off chance that a splendidly stable pyramid of balls could be achieved on a brass plate, the ocean is full o’ sneaky waves that knock ships hither and yon without so much as an “Excuse me mum, but I seem to have bumped yer bum!” worth of apology. Shot and powder were stowed safely below deck and were brought up by boy runners known as “powder monkeys.” (There’s no accountin’ for the coldness o’ their own testicles – but there is no record o’ any o’ their wee man-nuggets freezing and falling off, either.)

The shot was stored in wooden shelves designed to hold the right sized ball – not unlike the modern bowling ball shelves at your local bowling alley. Can ye imagine a pyramid stack o’ bowling balls left precariously close to where the beer drinking spectators sit? Now imagine a pack o’ drunken pirates aboard a ship that is constantly pitching about – see – it just doesn’t work.

But the myth persists because it just “sounds” so right. We’ve got monkey pumps (straws for dippin’ into the rum barrel) and powder and bilge monkeys – and the early brass cannon may have been referred to as a “brass monkey.” It should work – but it just doesn’t.

And of course, aboard The Festering Boil we had little use for cannon so long as Cementhands McCormack’s throwin’ arm stayed in good form. And I do have a rather interesting tale about his own man-bobbles nearly fallin’ off – but that’s another story for another time.

Yours for jargon accuracy,

Dearest Capn'

Since 1998, My Matey an me self knot missed one Buccaneer Day at Two Harbors (thee absolute best pirate party ever!!!! Real pirates, Winchies, Hundreds of mighty fine Ships!!!)

Anyway, I was wonder'n, how can I get my Matey to get a "Octopus Tattoo" on his arm? I told him, if he be real pirate, he'd do it fo his Whinchie Wife. (Its knot cause he be'n a whimp, he XNavy Seal!) Any ideas? Yes,I got me Tattoos...a Manta Ray, Sea Turtle and Dolphin. And yes, he loves Octopus.. He's got pictures and all kinds of Octo stuff in his Office. Can ye help me (or him) out?

From yr' Sea Lov'n Winchie,

Tanya'rrrr

Ahoy Tanya'rrrrr!

As ye know - a pirate's ink is a very personal matter - not one to be taken lightly - unless ye're drunk, then all bets are off.

So, here's what ye do.

Step one: Get yer man blisterin' drunk! (This will be crucial in all steps that follow.)

Step two: Whilst he is passed out, hack off whatever limb ye want to put the octopussy tattoo on - be sure to use a sharp, heavy blade in order to make a clean break o' the bone. (This will be important later ... you'll see.)

Step three: Quickly tie off a tourniquet at the point of severance to prevent yer beloved from bleedin' to death and pack both the limb and the wound in ice - to keep it all fresh.

Step four: Rush the limb to a waitin' tattoo artist who's been prepped and ready to do the work for ye - remember, time is of the essence - yer sweetie is bound to wake up sooner or later - preferably later.

Step five: Rush back with a surgeon in tow and get that limb reattached before gangrene starts takin' root.

Step six: When he awakes, tell him, "Last night when ye were drunk, ye decided to play "Footsie/Handsie" with a shark. When he bit yer leg/arm off ye passed out - fortunately, we were able to procure a leg from 'Crazy Willie's Limbs and Things Emporium.' But the only leg/arm we could afford had a nifty tattoo of an octopus on it!"

OR ...

If that sound a little to medically risky - ye might just get him drunk and have the tattoo artist COME OVER and poke him up a treat. When he wakes up to see the new ink and seems a bit miffed, just say, "Well, what are you gonna do? Hack it off?" (If ye does, return to step five of plan A)

OR ...

Ye could strike a bargain with him. "If ye'll get that octopus tattoo, I'll get a tattoo of your choosin' - on the body-part o' yer choosin'."

BUT ...

No matter what plan ye choose - keep that big sharp blade handy!

Yours for Pirate Ink!

We're attending a wedding on Sept 20, 2008, and even though it's a day later, I'm wondering what would be the proper greetings for the happy couple on this day? Any ideas?

Mark

Ahoy Mark!

Thar be many ways to greet the newlyweds on their day o’ reckonin’! Any o’ the followin’ would be perfectly piratical greetings;

To the wench:

• (toasting with rum) Here’s hopin’ ol’ (state groom’s name) is better at paternity that piracy!
• After so many wenches at the Strumpet and Thistle – ye’ve finally got him to settle on one!
• (and the old standard) “Prepare to be boarded!”

To the lad:

• Well lad – the only thing ye have to look forward to now be yer funeral.
• Don’t think o’ this day as the end o’ yer manhood. Seriously. Try not to think that way! (Pat him sympathetically on the shoulder and walk away)
• Dibs on yer “Frequent Flyer” card for the Strumpet and Thistle!

To the couple:

• May the great barnacle o’ luv attach itself firmly to yer keel!
• The fates have lashed ye both to the matrimonial mizzen and whatever becomes o’ ye – it’ll become o’ ye, together!
• May Great Neptune and his Mighty Man-Nipples o’ Joy bring ye much happiness.

I hope those help ye think o’ more that may be better suited for yer own “happy couple!”

Dear Capn Slappy,

A new school year approaches and I'm more nervous than ever. See, I'll be a freshman this year. In the past few months, my crew has abandoned me, stole my ship and all the belongings in it. Sadly, this is figuritively. If it were literral, I'd be much more chipper. All of my ex-crewmembers are going to the same high school as me, and it's a real small school. They're a big group and can knock down anything in their way. Being a captain who was "mutinized" against, without a crew, a ship, or even a hat, I'll be stranded in a vast sea mixed of bitter ugly sharks. My grades may carry me well with the authorities, or teachers, but I don't think I'll ever be a right captain again, maybe not even a cabingirl. Oh, sir. What am I to do? Finding people with the same interests as me is hard enough as it is (old movies, folky bands, anything to do with green plaid sewing, being a pirate), but with a third of the grade already hating me, it's the worst it could be. And think of who they will convert into hating me too! this is a bad day, Capn. Help me please!

-Artful Dodgeress

Ahoy Artful Dodgeress!

I want ye to close yer eyes and imagine yerself five years from now. Go on. Close ‘em! Now, with yer high school experience a year and a summer in the past – think about all those people whose opinion o’ ye matters so much right in the summer o’ ’08. Do they still matter in July o’ ’13? And don’t ye wish ye had all those years o’ worryin’ what a bunch o’ slack-jawed, poo-flingin’, gossip monkeys thought about ye back to do all over again?

Well, ye do!

The best any o’ us can do is to live our own lives in a way that pleases us (and pleases those who love us and really “matter”) because those who feed off o’ hate and cruelty aren’t worth the pain ye give ‘em! And I know – honestly – that thar be nothin’ more important to a teenager than the opinions o’ other teenagers. I know that. But those opinions o’ yer peers that keep ye from bein’ happy are nothin’ more than an anchor that’s been tied to yer ankle and tossed into the sea – they can only bring ye down!

Yer best course is to show yer enemies respect and dignity in the face o’ their disrespect and shamefulness.

And thar will always be those worthy few who are drawn to the person that defies conformity and lives life on her (or his) own terms. In short – be who you are and let your peer group come to you. Because even if ye gather only one or two close mates – at least ye’ll know that they’re with ye for exactly who ye are!

And in five years, they’ll still be there – and they’ll still matter.

Dear Cap'n,

From one cap'n to another, I be a bit land locked at the moment and be needin' a spot of advice in me troubles. How long does one need t'be away from see t'be considered a dirty, stinkin' wretch of a lubber.

--The Mighty Yohan Gunderman King of the Pirates and Cap'n of The Midnight Maruader

Ahoy Mighty!

How long it takes for one to go from disembarking to disfavor depends on how the land-locked pirate comports him or herself in the interim. Have ye kept to the highest standards o’ piratical debauchery, infamy and treachery? Or have ye become soft and doughy – like a bloated corpse in the surf – buffeted about by the waves o’ chance without any hope of righting one’s destiny?

Location’s got nothin’ to do with yer pirattitude! Ye could be a pirate in Switzerland – and thar be no port in sight, there!

It isn’t the sea that makes the pirate – it’s the heart.

Aye, Avast me Hearty!

I Be Eliza Black - Scourge of the Caldonian canal and the Norfolk broads when not bein' The Black Doubloon Of The North!

I be wonderin' what ye think of the fabled book of pirate and explorer lore for children and pirates "Swallows and Amazons" and the other books after it and just what ye be thinkin how the Amazons or Swallows be when it comes to general piratyness.

Also, what be your opinion on the subjects of islands?

15 year old lass "Eliza Black"

Ahoy Eliza!

I wish I could give ye a more definitive answer to yer question about Arthur Ransome's "Swallows and Amazons" series, but, bein' a pirate, me own readin' list consists o' such tomes as, "Keelhauling for Dummies" and "Oyster Stew for the Pirate Soul" and "More Keelhauling for Dummies."

When I was but a wee lad - readin' was frown upon as bein' somethin' for the snooty-bootses - but not for pirate lads. But from what our crack research department tells me - it's a splendid book with just oodles o' adventure!

As for islands? I'm for 'em! Without 'em, I'd have nothin' to yell, "Land Ho!" about!

Best Fishes!

Myself and me shipmates have a small spot of trouble that be vexing us most sorely and we’d be valuing the opinions of a respected pirate as yerself.

Our ship be in mortal danger of running aground due to the actions of our Captain who at best has the cleverness of a week-dead weevil (though ‘tis true that this be a little unkind on weevils) – be this fair grounds for a mutiny?

Yarr!

Keelhauled Kevin

Ahoy Keelhauled Kevin!

Ye’re a pirate – ye don’t NEED to mutiny. In fact, mutiny was the furthest thing from a pirate’s mind. Just do like all pirates have done – HOLD AN ELECTION!

One o’ the great things about bein’ a pirate is that leadership is derived from a mandate o’ the governed! If a cap’n has proved to be less than up to the task, ye can always vote in a new one! This may be the single most civilized truth about pirates – the (mostly) bloodless transition of power.

Of course, the Cap’n gets a vote, too – but if he’s as much of a nincompoop as ye say, his vote for himself will be the only one – then he’ll have a choice to make; embrace a diminished role in the ship’s crew – or embrace a water death at the end o’ a plank.

(And with his proven decision-making skills – this may be “a toughie.”)

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

What are some good pirate insults? The best one I've heard is"Ye murderous landlubbing, goat*befriending* *illegitimately*-born *mu*stard son of a cheap tavern *sporting wench*",but that’s pretty much the limit of my pirate insult vocabulary, if I want to insult someone on ITLAPD I ether call them a landlubber or that witch gets old fast. sailors and pirates are famous for having filthy mouths but google reveals no good insults.Can you help me on this, cap'n slappy?

- Mad Davy Flint

Ahoy Mad Davy!

Ye’re absolutely correct! Sailors (pirates being a subset) have always had, as a group, a serious case o’ the potty mouth. But since so many o’ the young’ns visit this web site, I’ve taken the liberty o’ disinfecting some o’ yer more pungent oaths. (let the reader fill in their own best guesses as to what the *words between the asterisks* might originally have been – and you children, don’t read anything else into it!)

Since most pirate simply put a mini-ball between the eyes of an enemy – insults are mostly reserved for loved ones and friendly acquaintances. So remember the “smile when you say that” rule when employing any o’ the following:

• Arrrrrrse-face!
• Kraken Breath!
• Squid Slapper!
• Octopussy!
• Man-gina!
• Swede!
• Neptune’s Little Cabana Boy!
• Monkey-Puncher!

As ye can see – the list is limited only by yer imagination!

So, come this September 19th – mix it up and keep ‘em guessin’! Just keep it clean in front o’ the nippers.

[I can't speak fer Slappy, but I can't think of a worse thing to call a pirate than "lubber." I mean, sure, you could dress it up with "rum-soaked," "kelp-festooned" or things like that. But wouldn't the most offensive thing you could call a pirate be something on the order of "you milk-drinkin', pinkie-raisin' , momma-missing lubber?" Don't attack his hygiene. Don't attack his brains. Attack his manliness? (Or womanliness, of course.) -- Ol' Chumbucket ]

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

Me wench and me sawbones have been conspirin' against me, sayin' I could stand to lose a bit o' mass about the middle, if only for me health. Lately, I've been inclined to agree. It's occured to me that hard tack and salt pork may not be the best thing for ye, but last time I had the cook stock me ship with them greeny things, t'wasn't a week into our voyage before they all turned mushy! Not long after the crew got so mad with hunger, we held an improptu audience participation dinner theater performance o' "Hannibal" (and I don't mean the general). I do miss that cabin boy.

So me question be this, good cap'n: If there be no way o' keepin' leafy greens on board me ship, what kind o' healthy alternatives are there to a pirate's diet?

With great respect and indigestion,

"Dead" Tom Salinger

Ahoy Dead Guy!

Yer sawbones and yer wench are right to nag and nag and nag about yer girth! I know I have a team o’ full-time fat-naggers and I appreciate their work – when I’m not doling out a savage beating on them with me fists and forehead.

There’s a reason ye never hear talk about “the salad days o’ buccaneering.” I did have a mate, Mad Minerva Flowertender – the only vegan pirate I ever knew – who built her ship entirely out o’ living plants; a peach tree mizzenmast, bean and tomato bushes for the hull and a keel comprised entirely of tofu. Minerva called her, “Eden.” Sadly, when Eden was christened and launched, the dirt that held it all together disintegrated in the brine and the whole thing messed up the harbor for a month.

There was a reason she was called, “Mad Minerva.”

Still, it was what we call in the pirating business, “a brave choice.” Other health conscious pirates have made great hay (to use a non-piratical expression) out of dried seaweed – (which, by the way, makes terrible actual hay) – which they wrap around raw fishies. Add a dash of wasabe sauce and ye’ve got yerself a real death-defying treat there!

But there’s only so much ye can do with kelp and sea slime. That’s why I’ve developed, “Cap’n Slappy’s Hungry Pirate Dinners.” Just add water – or rum – or (in desperate circumstance) urine and viola! – ye’ve got yerself a healthy alternative to hard tack and manatee fat!

And raiding a farmers market occasionally wouldn’t do ye any harm (unless they’re a particularly nasty group of farmers – with pitchforks and such.)

Remember – eat less – move more!

Oh, Cap'n,

I know how busy ye be with yer summer programs to teach and friends to help with their move. But should ye have the time, I've a task to propose to ye.

'Tis well-known how well ye compose piratey parodies of pre-exisiting tunes, not countin' me own contributions to your song, "The Ninja and the Pirate Should Be Friends." And so I was wondering if ye could mayhap help me with a new idea I had.

Ye see, I just read a brilliant parody of Pirates of the Caribbean, which reset everything in 1920's Chicago. Jack and company are all notorious mobsters, Lizzy Swann's one tough dame with a pistol 'neath her skimpy dress, Will Turner is a straight-laced newspaper reporter, and there's plenty of trouble to be had! Jack has some injustice to square with Don Vito Barbossa, and is later avoidin' the power-hungry eye of Mayor Beckett, escaping from savage hillbillies, and trying to square his debt with David "The Squid" Jones!

Link here

Afterwards, I was very much inspired. I started to re-draw the movie poster with all the men in zoot suits, and Liz in her red flapper dress and lipstick, and I likewise began to recall me theatre camp's production of "Guys and Dolls" from some years back. And the title theme began going through me twisted little head...

In short, I'll need your brand of parody-scribin' genius to help me expand a pirate version of this song beyond this little bit:

When a lazy swab takes a good lootin' job
And you notice he's lost his repulsive stench
Call it dumb, call it clever
Arrr, but you can bet gold forever
That the rogue's only doin' it for some wench!

'Tain't as important as reclaimin' your land from squatters or teaching creative enrichment to the blind, 'tis true, but I'm puttin' it out there just the same.

Yours in all creative endeavors big and small,
Left-Handed Liz

Ahoy Left-Handed Liz!

Always happy to contribute the arts! How’s this work?

(To the tune, “Guys and Dolls” from the musical, “Guys and Dolls.” All apologies.)

When a lazy swab takes a good lootin' job
And you notice he's lost his repulsive stench
When ye spy a mate wash his pits and his pate
Ye can tell that this mate is smellin’ so great ‘cuz he has a date.
When ye see this dope head to foot all in soap
And he smells less like pirate and more like mensch.
Call it dumb, call it clever
Arrr, but you can bet gold forever
That the rogue's only doin' it for some wench!

When ye see some lad countin’ his booty bad
And his knots never tighten and barely cinch
When ye see his tack has all gone a bit slack
Ye could give ‘im some flack, a clap on the back or frontal attack.
But it’s no surprise he’s got googily eyes
And he’s translatin’ everything into French.
He’s just lost in a dither
And his heart will go whether wither
Cuz’ that rogues only doin’ it for some wench!

(musical interlude)

When your powder monk’s in a bit of a funk
And his pacing the deck has worn in a trench
When he says he’s fine you don’t bite on his line.
Cuz you know that his whine, just like yours and mine is covered in brine.
Every salty cuss won’t put up much a fuss
Takin’ splinters from barrel and deck and bench.
Ye’ll ignore all the slivers
Cuz that lass will give ye the shivers
And that rogue’s only doin’ it for some wench!

Best Fishes!

Dear Capn,

Arr to you and avast me hearty,

I once was a comely wench. But now that I be coming on 50 years I’m no longer the buxom and fair lass I was in my youth. Now I’m starting to look like a hag.\pio

Capn, dear, do you have any advice and good words for a once fair maiden – or should I hang up the old Jolly Roger and be done with it?

Any beauty tips or diet suggestions would be helpful.

How do you keep in such swashbuckling form?

Bloody Mary

Ahoy Bloody Mary!

Now, I know this goes against the societal grain, but I prefers me lasses with a bit o patina on their bronze and some weatherin’ in their sails. The comely wench ye were is no match for the profound woman ye now be! Leave youth to the young – and love yer face for the simple reason that it is yer face and it’s perfect the way it be! For I have it on good account that beauty is more than skin deep and so long as yer eyes can flash the occasional “come-hither!” ye’ll always be no more than a wink a way from this Cap’n’s heart.

But, if ye’re in the market for a great book on pirate health and fitness, we do have a chapter or two dedicated to that in our up-comin’ tome; “The Pirate Life! Unleashing Your Inner Buccaneer!” And if ye’re signed up for our newsletter, The Poopdeck, we’ll be sure to let ye know when ye can order an advanced copy!

Now, give us a hug – and don’t hold back on the squeezin’!

Ahoy there fine Captain!!!

It is I Bloody William Vane The legendary Capatin o the fearsome Burning Sensation! (massive missive edited for space)

Me former first mate, Bloody William Rackham now finds himself in Baghdad as well. He captains the Green Drippy Discharge, Sister ship to the Burning Sensation. He does send his best to you by the way sir. I am surprised he was able to tear himself off o the ships goat long enough to give me that message for you. Ever since he goatnapped that goat from the deck o the Burning Sensation he hasnt been the same. Be that as it may He and I were both wondering what you thought o the CALIFORNIA ANGELS chances were this year? As well as that o the Chicago Cubs...That may be cause for a looksy into the Diabolical Eightball o destiny...Eh good Captain???

With that, I am off! Fare thee well good Captain, I look forward to your response.

Bloody William Vane, The legendary Captain of the Burning Sensation

Ahoy Bloody William Vane!

Let me just dust of the Infamous Eight Ball o’ Diabolical Destiny … I think I left it under a stack o’ charts, maps and some particularly artistic French etchings o’ a sportin’ wench I met in Lyon who went by the name, “Bubbles.”

Ah, here it is. Now, if ye remember, we give the Infamous Eight Ball o’ Diabolical Destiny a shake – shake, shaky, shaky, shaky, shake – and ask the question; “Oh Infamous Eight Ball o’ Diabolical Destiny, whose very roundness can find can pass with ease through the rectum of the time/space continuum and can ascertain answers to the questions o’ those who just ‘want to know!’ What are the California Angels chances this year – also the Chicago Cubs? And while yer at it – what think ye o’ the Seattle Mariners? What say ye, Oh Great and Infamous Eight Ball o’ Diabolical Destiny?”

Then we read the little window for the answer.

“Seriously? Baseball questions? California/Anaheim/Los Angeles/California Angels Baseball questions? Slappy! You son of a particularly slutty manatee! How DARE you wake me out o’ my (what? Two years??) retirement to ask me freakin’ BASEBALL questions!?! Okay. Okay. Deep cleansing breath. Remember what I learned in my yoga class … and out with the bad … and in with the calm … Okay. Here’s what ye do. Put all your money – and I mean ALL YOUR MONEY on the Devil Rays! Don’t question it – just DO IT!

And next time … how about a challenge?”

Whew! I know one novelty orb that woke up on the wrong side o’ me bookshelf!

Remember, Cap’n Slappy and talklikeapirate.com are not responsible for gambling losses based on the rantings of a seemingly all-knowing albeit grumpy oracle.

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

First off, how ye be doin'? Not many of the pirates writin' in and askin' ye questions stop to consider the person givin' up their time (that ye could be usin' to pillage and make merry with saucy wenches). So, yarr... how are ye?

Now for me question: Me and some of me harties are lookin' for a good song to be singin' aboard our mighty ship, the Lightning Dubloon, on those cold nights where we be drinkin' grog. We've tried olde sea shanties, and we've tried Pirate Metal like Alestorm, and nothin' be workin'. Can ye help?

Humbly yours,

- Johnny Twohooks

Ahoy Johnny Twohooks!

To answer yer first question – I be fine! Thank ye!

Ye need to give a listen to Cap’n Bogg and Salty!

I think ye’ll find their tune, “SCURVY!” to be a terrific pirate anthem!

And I don’t even get one doubloon for this recommendation – that’s how much I likes ‘em!

Hey Capn Slappy,

With all the bad press in the news about Pirates, does that bother you that all these others are getting the credit?

Ahoy!

I never begrudge a fellow pirate his or her moment or two in the spotlight. If they want to engage in nefarious deeds in order to draw attention to themselves – well, that’s just needy and sad, really. I, meself, seek not fame nor glory. These things have been thrust upon me – due, in part, to the fact that in Nature, greatness must be revealed – but I don’t have to seek it out – it always finds me.

Now, if ye’ll excuse me, my “people” have peeled me a grape and my massage awaits.

dear "captain" Slappy,

I have one tiny easy question to have answered, it has nothin' to do with me, but it has something to do with you.

have you ever met/made a deal with DAVY JONES?

P.S. what do you think is better, a 112 slow, poor speed and bad manouverability ship of the line, or a faster, more manouverable 70-80 gun ship of the line?

Ahoy!

I met Davy Jones durin’ the off season – once. I ran into him down at the Piggly Wiggly. (He was stockin’ up on soup.) And I never made a deal with him – unless you count not ratting him out when he took at least twenty-five items through the “Nine Items or Less” check out!

If I’m bein’ chased – I prefer to be chased by a big, hulking slow-poke. If I’m runnin’ away – I prefer commandeering a faster ship. Seems pretty logical to me.

Cap'n Slappy only you can help with this great problem

We're a pirate crew made entirely of ex convicts who have commited piratey crimes, from Alexander the thief who to hide his gains buried it in his garden to Dave who copies DVDs and sells them from the boot of his car but our ship is sinking and we've figured out we're one person overweight who should we toss to the sharks?

- Cap'n Jonathan (murderer)

Ahoy Cap’n Jonathan!

Well, since ye be a murderer and not a suicider, we can quickly eliminate ye from bein’ tossed – in fact, ye have the experience to be the one what does the tossin’. The rest depends on the weight the others have with them – say, for instance, if Alexander’s garden be on the ship, ye can toss Alexander and his begonias (and keep his treasure). But if Alexander’s garden be not ON the ship – then ye turn to Dave and his copyright infringement operation – toss Dave, his DVD burnin’ apparatus, his illegal copies o’ Sex In The City and, for that matter his car (boot and all).

So, remember, ye’re not just weighin’ yer victim – but also the stuff what comes with him!

Happy Tossin’!

Dear Cap'n Slappy

Um.... Well..could I ask you someting? My brother says that pirates HATE ninjas...Why? Also I LOVE PIRATES ! I also think your awsome. Oh why do you hate parrots? Why do people hate pirates all the time. Plus my brother has you book.

KAt

Ahoy Kat!

Whilst I admire yer brother's book-buying habits, let me just say he paints all pirates with a broad brush! Ol' Chumbucket and I don't hate ninjas. We don't hate parrots either. (Although, I must admit, having a parrot perched on yer shoulder all day can really send the ol' dry-cleaning bill through the roof.)

We're not haters.

However, when your brother buys our next book (due out the last week in August - order early - order often!) ye'll see exactly what group o' so-called "people" pirate actually cannot stand.

But we'll save that for the book!

Ahoy Cap'n,

Last year while preparing for TLAPD, it occurred to me that I did not know the proper spelling of Arrr. How many r's exactly? I have a semi scientific answer that I would like to share with me fellow pirates so they can make an informed choice as they form their own Arrrrr's.

I used Google and beginnning at on "r" and continuing to 50 noting how many hits for each and setting it into a graph. So, how many times should one use the letter "r" to write out the common pirate affirmation "Arrr Matey!" There is no absolute right answer, but 2 or 3 account for about 80% of people. (See attached graph). There isn't that much difference between typing one "r" for "Ar" and holding down the "r" key for a while to type "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr".

What I believe this study shows you is some people are willing to hold down the "r" key longer than others... And some people are willing to put it into Excel and graph it. Like I don't have enough to do.

BTW, I read that Dave Barry column years ago an 'ave been talkin' like a pirate to the best of me ability since. Arrrr.

-Chris

Impressive work Chris! You have entirely too much time on yer hands!

Of course, if we post this on our site, you’ll have to add one more “twenty-seven Rs” to yer findings! (Bringing the total number of twenty-seven “Rs” to three.) But that’s the nature o’ research, isn’t it? Always tough to stay current!

Thanks for doin’ the grunt work on this one!

Cap'n Slappy

I have a question for ye

Do we modern pirates like Vikings?

Cap'n Stephen Pilkington

Ahoy Cap’n Pilkington,

Recently the modern pirates took a vote and I’m sorry to say they came out very strongly against the Vikings. As it turns out, most modern pirates are Packers fans.

Ahoy There Cap'n!

I be plagued with problems of the dermatological kind. There be a huge, disgusting, scurvey zit, or pimple, or whatever be the correct pirate terminology for acne on me manly, 26 year-old sea dog face. I would like to impress all the available wenches out there with not only me charm and impeccable good taste, but with me handsome, good looks. What is a pirate to do? Be there no homeopathic remedies to send me bloody, red spot down to Davy Jones? On another note keep up yer good work in making "arrrrr" a household word.

Dermatologically yours in piracy,

Cap'n Seamus Blunderbuss, Colchester, Vermont USA

Ahoy Cap’n Blunderbuss!

What we have here, me piratty mate, be no mere pimple, zit or blemish! Ye’ve clearly fallen into disfavor with a powerful wizard, sorcerer or enchantress! For ye have been dealt the Cursed Carbuncle o’ Cardiff! (space for gasp of terror here)

Mrs. Blunderbuss’s baby boy’s been up to naughty deeds to be brandished with such a blemish! I, meself, would rather be handed fifty Black Spots than ONE Cursed Carbuncle o’ Cardiff (CCC)!

But fear not, me poor bespotted young man! Cap’n Slappy’s seen this evil visited upon himself a time or two – in me younger days – when an unsightly skin condition mattered. So, buck up, Buttercup! Here’s what ye do:

Ye’ll be in need o’ a team o’ experienced Carbuncleers! These may dermatological professionals, but it’s more likely they’ll be enthusiastic amateurs. The tools of their trade; a white-hot poker and a boarding axe. Do not attempt this with less than six or seven Carbuncleers! It is a sad truth that some o’ them will not return home alive – but that’s the price they pay for battling evil. Try not to be fearful when these brave berserkers (for they do work themselves up into a state of abject violence in order to defeat the CCC) charge boldly at your face with near-molten steel thrusting and rusted axe slashing – the CCC can smell your fear and will deploy its myriad strategic defenses. IT MUST BE TAKEN BY SURPRISE! Just lay perfectly still and think of the glory of Vermont!

When the battle is over, do not dawdle over the carnage – call your local forensic janitorial service and mention only the name, “Cursed Carbuncle o’ Cardiff” – they’ll take it from there.

And for the love of Sweet Neptune and His Mighty Man Nipples – whatever ye did to bring this on yerself – DON’T DO THAT AGAIN!

Keep spreadin’ the word – and the word be, “ARRRR!”

Avast Cap'n Slappy

! I be a buxom pirate wench with a happy seafarin' life of lootin' an' pillagin', but I be lackin' a first mate. I met a salty sea dog Cap'n worthy of shiverin' me timbers but he be droppin' anchor far away from me seas. He be tryin' to sail nearer to me waters but he be lookin' fer a new ship for pillagin' before he be sailin' my way. Should I be waitin' for him to set sail to me harbour or should I be more darin' an' ask him straight out to show me how he buries his treasure, hopin' this might make his ship start sailin' a bit more smartly? Fair winds to ye, wise Cap'n Slappy!

Cap'n Ethel Flint

Ahoy Cap’n Flint!

Thar be nothin’ so thrillin’ as that sexual tension before two lovers have done “The Bouncy-Bouncy!” I’ve always been a fan o’ milkin’ that tension about as far as it’ll go! And whilst ye’re milkin’ – give yerself a chance to get to know this Cap’n a bit before he leaves his boots by yer bedside. There may be somethin’ more here than libidinal magnetism – and if there’s not – ye probably don’t want his berth to be that close to yers. If he’s good for not much more than the occasional round o’ hammock-wrestling, the further away his port, the better.

The long and short o’ it is – ye got nothin’ to lose by waitin’ except yer patience – and nothin’ to gain by jumpin’ in early except that awful feelin’ that ye’ve made a horrible, horrible mistake!

But, ye’re a human bein’ and ye’re goin’ to do what ye’re goin’ to do – and Cap’n Slappy will be here for ye whatever ye decide!

Best Fishes!

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

Oh, jus' wait 'til you hear this one. It's a Moby Dick-sized whopped o' a problem, I tell yeh! I bin goin' bananas, apples, and oranges like only a man who's spent days on end sailin' a ship full of drunkards with not a wench in sight can understand. So here's the scuttlebutt...

As we all know, prom ain't prom unless someone gets drunk and does somethin' they'd rather forget. But me mates and I, we be pretty good little lads and lasses and we may have acted like braindead seagulls as 2 in the mornin', but it weren't fer the drink. Imagine my surprise then when me mate, Ursula, tells me nearly a week after the whole ordeal of a school dance that two of our mates got into a rather uncomfortable sitchyation. Now before the whole ordeal, Red and Blondie (who are both men, I might ad) were the best 'o friends and we didn't think nothin' o Red spendin' the night at Blondie's. But now ye couldn't get 'em to talk to one another if ye hit 'em a few square times in the head with a belayin' pin.

"Now somethins up," said I and indeed somethin' was. (I promise ye I'm getting to the point.) What happened was, Red professed his love (and I don't mean yo-ho buddy buddy kinda love, I mean wink wink nudge nudge kinda love) fer Blondie and tried to go overboard with 'im, if ye know what I mean. Blondie went completely bonkers, the two started fightin', and Red jumped ship and ran home in the middle o the night.

And, uh, here's the thing (as if this weren't enough of a mess already). I'm not exactly, er, supposed ter know about the whole thing. Now, I don't know how homosexyality is viewed in the pirate world, but maybe ye can do some good with yer special brand o know-how and no-nonsense advice. So there it is, Cap'n, what do I do with this? Pretend it's not happenin'? Try to patch things up? Drink copiously? Thanks fer yer help.

Much L-arrr-ve,

The Naughty Hooker

(oh, get yer mind outta the gutter, I'm talkin' fish hooks)

Ahoy Hooker (of fishies)!

First things first! Cap’n Slappy is opposed to under-aged drinkin’! Teenagers brains are tiny, wee organs with under-developed pre-frontal cortexes – which as every kindergartener knows is the decision-making center o’ the brain-box! So, ye be already handicapped to make major life decisions. Add alcoholic consumption to this deficit and ye’ve got a recipe for disaster! Besides – if the kids are drinkin’ all the rum, where does that leave Cap’n Slappy? I ask ye!?! Where!?! Ye didn’t think about that, did ye? O’ course ye didn’t – on account o’ yer tiny, underdone prefrontal cortex!

But on to our other dilemma. Everyone needs to take a deep-freakin’-breath and put down the bottle for a moment! Thar be social faux pas’ enough for everyone in this here story o’ yers – Red needs to check his “gay-dar!” If he and Blondie are such good friends, how could he not know how Blondie would react when he declared his undyin’ affection for him? And Blondie needs to check his insecurities! If’ ol’ Red’s been a pal all this time, why go an’ throw that away because he’s got a serious man-crush on The Blondster? If a close female friend for whom he had no romantic notions declared her love for him, would thems be “fightin’ words?” I think not.

Red paid Blondie the nicest compliment any person can pay another. The fact that it was wildly inappropriate given Blondie’s sexual orientation is unfortunate – but a gay pirate and a straight pirate can be pals – so long as the one doesn’t keep trying to make the relationship somethin’ it’s not and the other can get past his homophobia. It comes down to respect! Their choice is clear – be friends if they can reach this agreement – or go their separate ways and be civil to each other out o’ respect for the friendship they had if this agreement is beyond their reach.

And for the love o’ Great Neptune and his Might Man Nipples o’ Power – DON’T DRINK AND DRIVE!!!

Play nice, kids!

Avast ye Cap'n Slappy

i be a young pirate wanting to learn more about the ways of the 7 seas. ive recently lost a copy of the CODE in a taven fight! will you be willing to send me the CODE so can remenber a live by 'em.

from Cap'n Dan 'The mad man' P.

Ahoy Mad Cap’n Dan!

Alright! I’ll give ye the code again – just don’t go losin’ it this time!!

01010010

Now, just try to live up to it!

Me Dearest Cap'n,

be havin' this problem. Theres this guy, well t' be honest, I jus' want t' jump his bones. IfYeKnowWaddaMean An' im pretty sure he wants me aft. But thar be 3 probelms...

1. me mates...er ... strongly dislike th' lad's an' think he`s a creeper
2. he be 9 years older'n me (im 18 an' hes 27)
3. he works at me school

so heres me question(s)...

what do i do?

do I risk it or jus' ignore me needs?

HEEEEEEELP

I DONT KNOW WHAT T' DO!

I want th' lad so bad...I be goin' t' go CRAZY!

From,

Confused Sexual Being

Ahoy CSB!

Great Neptune’s Saucy Knickers! Wait! What was it me therapist were sayin’ I should do when ‘The Rage’ come upon me in order to prevent me from goin’ around deliverin’ random savage beatin’s with me fists and forehead on an unsuspecting and mostly innocent populous? Aye, yes – ‘Just breathe … breathe … breathe and relax breath again …”

Now, where was I? Aye – let me address each o’ yer rightly perceived problems:

1. me mates...er ... strongly dislike th' lad's an' think he`s a creeper

*(Your mates may have a point here … in fact, and I don’t normally do this – but, I would suggest deferrin’ all yer decisions to yer friends who seem to show uncommon common sense and the courage to tell ye the truth.)

2. he be 9 years older'n me (im 18 an' hes 27)

*(Now, ye’re 18 and are goin’ to make all the crappy decisions ye want for yer life but hear me out – if a fifteen-year-old male student was volunteering to work at yer local primary school – or whatever ye call the school ye send the wee ones to – and he came back head-over-heels in love with a six-year-old – and she thought he was just the ginchiest boy in the world (as she likely would – she’s young) would you say, “You know! Age isn’t really something that should stand in the way of ‘True Luv’?” Or would ye (quite sanely) see her as the victim o’ his manipulations and report him to the proper authorities for the sort o’ therapeutic intervention he so richly deserves? And by the by – at 27, he can no longer – by any measuring tool, be called a “lad” unless it is by a colorful elderly character named, “Pops!”)

3. he works at me school

*(Alright. I am going to say this slowly and with authority for all the adults who work in schools world-wide – DO NOT USE THE SCHOOL IN WHICH YOU WORK AS A PLACE TO MEET THAT “SPECIAL SOMEONE!” THAT IS THE OPPOSITE OF BEING A “RESPONSIBLE ADULT!!!”)

Now, just to be clear CSB – I don’t think ye be a stupid person by any means – and I am sure this fella has charms – he’s clearly got ye all starry-eyed – but he has a responsibility as an adult working in a school not to put the “come-hither” on the students – even the students of legal age. Do yourself and him a big favor – see other people for the next five years – and if ye’re still smitten – go for it! (But when he goes off to work at the school – don’t think for a moment ye won’t be wondering which eleventh grader his flirting with today.)

Sometimes I have to get stern – but that’s what I call “Tough Slappy Love.”

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

I be sailin' soon for the cold north seas. What do you think a good pirate wench should take along that would come in useful on a desert iceberg? Or clingin' to a plank waitin' for her mates to pluck her out o' the brine?

Cap'n Jezebel Slaughter, Calypso's Plunder

Ahoy Cap’n Jezebel Slaughter!

I got to give ye credit! Ye’re a “plan ahead” kind o’ pirate! I’ve not yet come across the “iceberg scenario” but I would imagine a pair of warm mukluks and some sandwiches would be in order.

Your “clingin’ to a plank” situation is also something most pirates don’t plan for – if they did, they would instead be clinging to a bright orange inflatable dinghy well stocked with water, rum and sandwiches.

But in either case – definitely pack a sandwich.

Ahoy Cap'n Slappy,

I be wonderin what to do when I have no crew and all I be findin is a bunch of land lubbers. aaaarrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your #1 fan

Cap'n mike

Ahoy Cap’n Mike (our #1 Fan!)

First, let me thank ye for assumin’ that ever-so-dangerous #1 Fan position. Things didn’t “work out” for our last #1 fan and he was tragically taken from us by a band of distemperous chimpanzees who seemed hell-bent on re-enacting the “flying monkeys pull the stuffing out of The Scarecrow” scene from The Wizard of Oz moving picture show. Fortunately, his absolutely necessary internal organs survived (or what passes for “survival” amongst the anatomically flexible) the primate plucking of his person but his pirate inklings were snatched away – along with several other important bits. He now resides at the Mistress Molly’s Home for the Terminally Twitchy, where he has found a useful avocation as a human metronome. (Just rocking, rocking, rocking back and forth all day long – sometimes muttering, “Please, Mister Monkey – give me back my kidney. Nice chimp.”)

But enough about cousin Bob …

Ye’re goin’ to have to work on yer Inspirational Skills! What kind o’ “Cap’n” doesn’t have a crew – at least an imaginary crew? Let’s start with an imaginary crew – just make one up! Tell yer friends about yer kick-arse pirate mates – and tell them, “I’d invite ye to join – but I’d have to put it to a vote o’ the crew – ye understand …” Never make it easy for a prospect – even if the prospect doesn’t know he or she is a prospect and has no desire to be a pirate at all … what they think doesn’t matter! They can’t count until they’re a member o’ the crew and that doesn’t happen until there be a vote!

Pirate Psychological Principle Number 1: People who don’t want to be a part of something will want to be a part of something if they think that the thing that they don’t want to be a part of doesn’t want them in the first place. (It’s complicated – trust me on this one.)

Keep yer real recruits from knowing about your imaginary crew – create an exciting back-story for your imaginary crew that will make your real recruits wish they were farther along in the process so they, too, could do all that cool stuff.

Pirate Psychological Principle Number 2: Not being allowed to participate in something because “you’re not ready” motivates the unmotivated to get more motivated.

Finally, create an initiation ritual full of pomp and circumstance that a) cements a bond of kinship amongst the recruits and; b) identifies a sworn enemy against whom yer pirate organization rages in an eternal conflict; (i.e. the Barbary Pirates; Poodle Enthusiasts; Swedes or The Ongoing Battle with Gingivitis.)

Pirate Psychological Principle Number 3: Having a sworn enemy not only gives your new recruits a focus for their aggression, but allows you a scapegoat for anything and everything that has or will ever go wrong – it’s practically fool-proof!

So, good luck with your recruiting – and remember, your new crew must never know about your old (imaginary) crew – so have them killed off in some sort of tragic event that is totally not your fault – and place the blame completely on your sworn enemy. (Or Simon Callow’s meddling in the Dark Arts. – oh! That’s a good one!)

And don’t tease any monkeys!

Best Fishes,

Arr, matey!

Black Pete of Disney fame likes a bonnie helping of the fine dish ”Slumgullion”. I am having guests for dinner (no, not like that!), and would like to present the lubbers with some real pirate food, but shiver me timbers if I can find the recipe.

Give us a hand/claw, will ye?

Greetings,

G. Borchorst

Copenhagen, Denmark

Ahoy G!

I’ll be forwardin’ this on to me colleague, Ol’ Chumbucket for his vast knowledge o’ pirate culinary delicacies. I believe it has somethin’ to do with “Sea Sponge,” but cannot be sure as a steady diet o’ sea sponge has rotted me already diminutive brain-box.

Happy Eating,

AHoy! Just wanted to share with you a little story-

My father got a lovely little staph infection in a knee implant and had to have it removed last Year on Valentines Day- we joked for several months about him having a wooden leg- (they actually put concrete blocks in there to absorb the infection- Gross!) but it was Sept 19 when he finally got a new knee.

So of course - being that I love all things pirate- I spent the entire day at the hospital with my son DRESSED LIKE A PIRATE! You should have seen the looks we got - we tried to explain to the sad souls who were not enlightened to the greatest holiday ever - that it was talk like a pirate day - to no avail - however in our discouragement - two things happened - my dad got to wake up out of anesthesia to see two pirates standing before him- and our neighbor had her baby that day!

I was so excited to have a brand new little pirate come into this world and very thankful that my dad did not end up with a wooden leg (even though it would have been really cool).

The only downfall was that the neighbor would not name her baby "Cappy"- his name is Mark, a little boring don't ya think?

Thanks for all you have done to bring joy and silliness into our lives

Elizabeth Hildebrand, pirate at heart

Ahoy Elizabeth!

First, let me congratulate ye on showin’ the kind o’ pirattitude of which this world is in short supply! (But, of course, if we were all pirates, who would be prey?) I hope yer Pa is in full recovery and the wee neighbor boy grows up to be every inch a pirate – and by the by, I know some perfectly splendid fellas what goes by the name o’ “Mark.” Plus, it has the added advantage o’ bein’ easy to spell … “X”.

Best Fishes!

hi there i have to go to a pirate party and i was given the name scribe of the blue??? what does scribe mean??? thanks pat

Ahoy Pat!

Reject this name IMMEDIATELY! It’s not even a name! It’s a “Job Description!” “Scribe o’ the Blue!?!?” Who do they think they’re foolin’!?! Well, besides yerself, o’ course.

“Scribe” is fancy talk for, “Dictationist.” I have me own reasons for bein’ particularly bitter about the job – as I was assigned the task o’ takin’ copious notes for the captain o’ our college football team – “Go, Fightin’ Barnacles!” – at St. Swithin’s College for Swarthy Pirate Types What Want to Conjugate Some Verbs in the Most Brutal Fashion Imaginable. (The school later changed its name to Texas Tech.) I’d sit in Philosophy and me mind would wander as I made up some stuff about Aristotle fighting the pilgrims and John Steward Mill’s stint in the Pony Express.

He got an “A” anyway – but it was tedious, mind-numbing work for me!

How about something a wee bit more dangerous, like, “Pistol Pat the Particularly Persnickety!?!”

Dear Capn Slappy--We are a group of medical lab wenches that need a name for our National Medical Laboratory Week Lab Olympics Team!! Our names are Tricia, Jessica, Corinna, and Laurie. Please help us Capn Slappy! One of our contests we need to win is having the best name for a team. Our supervisor has threatened us that unless we win we will "walk the plank"!!! Help!!! Thanks! The Wenches in Need

Ahoy Wenches!

How about any o' the followin' for yer team name;

* Twenty CCs o' Rum! * The Saucy Syringe Strumpets * The Pirate Petri Dishes * Blackbeard's Enema! * Bloodletters o' the Caribbean! * The Inoculate Conceptions (more of a Christmas theme - but I couldn't pass it up) * Rubber Gloves and Leather Mugs! * Test Tube Pirates! * Cap'n Staphylo and The Coccuses!

That's about all I could come up with for the moment - but let me know if any o' these worked for ye!

Best Fishes!

(The team later let us know that they won first prize - free pizza - as "Cap'n Staphylo and The Coccuses. Congrats!)

I am getting married in an aquarium and we are having a “treasure chest” set up instead of a wishing well. We need a clever and polite pirate poem to put on our wedding invitations to ask guests for a gift of money in place of a gift registry. My partner told me about you and I was wondering if you may be able to help us out?

Wench of First Mate Winston Wishbone

Ahoy Wench o’ Winston Wishbone!

Aye! I’ll make a poem for ye! I be a regular Alfred Lord Tennisballs when it come to makin’ poems and rhymes and such! Try this one …

We ask not for presents that tether our guests

But a wee bit o’ cash which will feather our nest

No gift registry’s what we measure the best

Just toss some doubloons in our wee treasure chest

(And don’t go all stingy-boots with yer doubloons, dammit!)

So, the last line doesn’t rhyme – I calls it “experimental!”

Happy Wedding! Happy Marriage!

Hello,

I own a site and a forum and we really get into character with talking like a Pirate and Treasure Hunts and we even named our Pirate that is on my sites. However, I am trying to figure out the ranking of a Pirate so I can assign my members with different rankings and have them defeat and outrank each other. I hope that is how it works and if not could you tell me how a pirate outranks another Pirate or if that is how it works?

Could you please send me the rankings or point me in the right direction so I can implement this on my site? Thank you so much in advance and thank you for the great site as I myself refer to it often and so do my members!!!!!

Thank you,

Kim Robinson

Ahoy Kim!

Unlike military units - pirates typically didn't have a "rank" order. The only leader was the captain - and he was elected by his peers and served until they decided to "elect" someone else. The rest had jobs that they were good at - but that didn't constitute a hierarchy.

But don't let that prevent ye from making one up! That's what we do! When history gets in the way of comedy - we tend to go with the comedy. So, in the interest of creating an artificial "Ranking" of pirates why not try something like this?

(From lowest to highest)

Weasel Greaser Barnacle Scrapper (Second Class) Captain's Chamber Pot Technician Barnacle Scrapper (First Class) Powder Monkey Cabin Boy Apprentice Knot Enthusiast Deck Swabber Sail Repair Technician Berserker Gunner Navigator Ship's Doctor Bosun First Mate Captain Notorious Captain The Dread Pirate Legendary Pirate King

Feel free to use, discard or do what you will with this - but you get the idea - the great thing about pirates is that you can, in fact, make up your own "traditions!"

Best Fishes!

Ahoy, Cap'n!

I be writing a tale about some pirates, and I be wonderin'- how flamboyant can I make 'em (as practically the entire crew prefers lads to wenches)? Were there any openly gay pirates historically? I mean, it does get awfully lonely out here on the open sea with so few fine wenches like meself out here...

Much obliged,

Black Grace Patch, cook of the famous turtle soup surprise

Ahoy Black Grace!

Let me assure ye – statistically speakin’ – there MUST have been some historical gay pirates! And in a time when there was no such thing as an “Openly Anything Sexual,” pirates were often ahead o’ the curve when it came to raucous demonstrations o’ libidinal energies.

Unfortunately, there were behind the curve in recordin’ anything. (For the most part.)

But perhaps these excerpts from Blackbeard’s own diary will shed some light on the subject for ye;

May 7, 1708 – I can’t believe I let Martin talk me into seeing “Cats!” with him! Oh! My! GOD! That wasn’t a stage! It was a litter box! About half way through the first act, I just turned and stared at Martin – you know, giving him the ol’ “stink eye!” And dear diary, you’re not going to believe it – he was CRYING! I wanted to shake him and slap him and scream, “I can’t believe you are so into this! This Schlock!” We went to Le Petit Café Rouge for an after-show crème brulee and he went on an on about one of the dancers he knew … Martin can be so trying at times. By the by, dear diary, Henri waited on us – YUM!!!

September 19, 1715 – I am so not speaking to Richard! We had just taken a Spanish merchant ship laden with gold and jewels and we were having a grand time slaughtering those who resisted and really putting on the “Pirate Talk” on account of this being “International Talk Like a Pirate Day” and all … and Richard (or should I just call him “DICK?”) decided that it was “unseemly” to be so playful whilst executing a few Spanish prisoners! “UNSEEMLY!” he says! I’ll show him “UNSEEMLY!” For his next birthday, I’m going to hire that ABBA cover band, “UDDU” – the one that refuses to play, “Fernando!” (That boy has an unnatural affection for that song – note to self – must learn that story someday!)

Now, while we can’t guarantee this historical accuracy of Blackbeard’s diary (which he kept in a series of My Little Pony notebooks) – we can guess that perhaps some pirates kept diaries and may, in fact, have been gay. Perhaps not, “Oh, my god – CATS!” gay – but certainly, “I ams what I ams” gay.

Ultimately, it’s your story – so ye get to tell it the way ye want!

Happy writing!

Ahoy cap'n slappy! me and me crew be plannin to celebrate TLAPD in true fashion, as in we be dressing the part as well, the only part i be frettin' is the fact that there be many a ninja at me school. me shipmates and i say "to hell with them! we be here and alive, ARRR!" but what be yer say on this predicament? keep yer feet wet and yer powder dry, captain mike abbatoir H.M.S. clownfish

Ahoy Captain Abbatoir!

Here’s how Cap’n Slappy handles uppity ninjas what don’t know their place. Thanks to me own studies in fool-proof strategery – I’ve developed a series of operations that will have yer school free o’ the silent menace in a matter of days.

Step One: “Operation Savage Beating With Your Fists and Forehead.” Administer a savage beating with yer fists and forehead. (This will get the ninja’s attention. Do not expect that it will solve the problem. Ninjas can take a savage beating with one’s fist and forehead, but this will most assuredly help them focus on what comes next.)

Step Two: “Operation Distraction.” Drop 50% Off Black Pajamas coupons from Victoria’s Secret or any other local purveyor of sleep wear in the path of a ninja. It is a well-known fact that ninjas cannot resist a black jammies sale. This will give you time for step three …

Step Three: “Operation NGB.” Falsify documents from the Ninja Governing Body (NGB) that direct your local ninjas to apply their ninja skills elsewhere. Ninjas love taking orders and even though there is no such thing as the NGB – most ninjas are too stupid and subservient to miss out on any opportunity to follow orders.

Step Four: “Operation Abuse the System.” Work within yer school system’s rules policy to create a “zero tolerance” for ninjas and ninja-like behavior. People who run schools love “Zero Tolerance” policies because they require little or no thought – and “thinking” is something most school administrations try to avoid if at all possible.

And there ye have it – plans for a new “Ninja Free” zone in yer own school! Next phase, “Operation Clown-Be-Gone!”

Gidday Capn Slappy Sir

We got a rrreal tricky question for ye . . . title &/or author of a poem that we only know a few verses of. Here goes:

“His ship’s as old as the sea herself

There’s mischief in his eye

Pedigree pirate through and through

With _____ dirk and cutlass too

A rollicking rip with scars to show

For every ship he’s sent below . . . “

Could ye possibly help us? We be desperrrate to find this poem.

Signed

Capn Boris & his Excessively Lubly Wench (i.e. his Mum)

Ahoy Cap’n Boris and his Excessively Lubly Wench (i.e. his Mum)!

Ye sent me searchin’ through me ol’ sea chest (also called, “Google”) and I came upon this scrap o’ writin’ left over from our last drunken poetry jam aboard The Festering Boil!

THE PIRATE

By Hugh Chesterman

He walks the decks with a swaggering gait

(There’s mischief in his eye)

Pedigree pirate through and through

With pistols dirk and cutlass too

A rollicking rip with scars to show

For every ship he’s sent below.

His tongue is quick, his temper high,

And whenever he speaks they shout, “AY AY!”

To this king of a roaring crew.

His ship’s as old as the sea itself,

And foggity foul is she.

But what cares he for foul or fine?

If guns don’t glitter and decks don’t shine?

For sailormen from East to West

Have walked the plank at his request,

And if he’s caught you may depend

He’ll dangle high at the business end

Of a tickly, tarry line.

Ye’d be amazed at the stuff what I finds layin’ about in me sea chest!!!

Cap’n Slappy

Um, what does "booty" in pirate talk mean?

Ahoy Booty Enthusiast!

Let’s get right to the BOTTOM o’ this, shall we? Far too often, this word has been the BUTT of jokes – BUTT I say that anyone who misrepresents this most useful o’ pirate words is makin’ an ASS o’ him or herself! Aye, sure, I could har-RUMP-h about this all day, until me SPANK-FLANKS burn purple with rage, BUTT where does that leave us? Just getting further and further BEHIND!

So here, in its entirety, is the definition of the word, BOOTY!

Baby Shoes – really, really expensive baby shoes.

I hope this clears things up.

Dear Cap'n Slappy

Arr, I was wonderin' if ye pirates had a habit of findin' themselves in Davy Jones' Locker at the end o' their career. 'Tis a question that's been troublin' me mind, Cap'n, as it's not a place I'd like to end up.

-First Mate Billy the Gender-Confused Barnacle and Cap'n Scurvy Spitfire

Answer back nice and quick, now. . .

Ahoy First Mate Billy and Cap’n Spitfire!

Davy Jones’ Locker gets a bad name – but if we all have to end up somewhere, it might as well be there as any! Better that than havin’ yer bones all caged up and danglin’ from a rope off the end o’ a dock in some Poseidon-forsaken town o’ fishmongers! It’s also better than havin’ yer scurvy-riddled corpse tossed into a paupers grave with a dozen or so other poor souls what got the Black Death! And I think, in the long run, it’s highly preferable to havin’ yer innards gushed out in the back room o’ a public house because he just had a slight difference o’ opinion on the finer points o’ playin’ cards!

And I’m not just sayin’ this because I own a Time Share in Davy Jones’ Locker – although, if anyone wants to rent it out from me in May, I’d be more than happy to give them a good deal!

Ahoy Cap'n Slappy!

What are the best animals to use as weapons on a pirate ship?

Arrr

Cap'n Robin Byrd

Ahoy Cap’n Robin Byrd!

Our crack weapons/zoology research and development crew has been working on a projectile for the cannons that will deliver the impact of a four-pound ball but with the added deployment of a nest of highly aggressive shark-bees (a hybrid of bees with shark DNA – it’s all very technical, so I won’t bore ye with the details). If ye fire one o’ our “bee balls” at an enemy ship, they quickly give up the fight. Plus, we have an endless supply of honey – although the shark DNA does make it taste a little fishy. R&D is still working out some o’ those kinks.

But I must admit, this is much more promising than their “bunny ball” projectile – that launched an attack of cuddly fluffiness.

Cap’n Slappy

Following your footsteps, We decided to start the talk like a physicist day - March 14th, which is Einstien's bithday and is also the international Pi day.

It will never become as big as the TLAPirate Day, but do you have any pointers for us? Anything specific that we should or should not do?

It is getting some traction for now. What can we do to sustain it?

Thanks for your help.

Ahoy Physicists Enthusiast!

We left our footprints in the sand so we’d be easily followed! (That section whar thar be just one set o’ footprints? That’s whar Ol’ Chumbucket carried me.)

But here be a step-by-step method for achievin’ maximum success with little effort!

Step One: Come up with a goofy-assed idea.

You’ve done this already – that’s the hard part. Wait, no. That’s the easy part. Here it gets trickier.

Step Two: Get a world famous Pulitzer Prize-Winning syndicated humor columnist to write about you.

You’d be surprised just how seldom this happens.

Step Three: Secure a Web Site domain name to which others may cluster like so many ionized particles. (if, in fact it is “ionized particles” that cluster)

“talklikeapirate.com” was the idea of our pal, Gary who said, “You guys should get a web site!” He was right.

Step Four: Have a friend who knows something about web design take pity on you and do your web design and maintenance.

Our web wench Jezebel has a soft spot for orphans and idiots – unfortunately, neither of us is an orphan.

Step Five: Write humorous content and set up a T-Shirt shop through Café Press

We recommend alcohol for fueling the funny – and Café Press is just free money!

Step Six: Say “Yes!” to every interview request – no matter how freaky.

We’ve been interviewed on a Dutch radio station by two DJs who were also interviewing a guy who spoke “Klingon” with a Dutch accent. Now that’s just freaky.

Step Seven: We know, it’s “TALK” like a physicist day – but your fans are going to expect you to dress up – so get a lab coat.

So long as you’re trying to make money – your expenditures are tax deductible – so maybe it’s time to purchase that particle accelerator you’ve had your eye on in the Sears catalog!

Step Eight: Never, and we mean NEVER take any of this seriously! Where’s the fun in that?

When it stops being fun – take up a new hobby – perhaps talking like a pirate?

Ahoy Cap'n Slappy! My good sir, how are you? I be a bit dismayed myself. Ye see, my best mate (a real pirate), loves this one wench. I be a wench. This pirate keeps makin it a bit of a mystry. I meself has even asked the man if it was me who he be crazed over. I'd enjoy hearing him say yes. High School wenches are most troubled I say. Be that as it may, he's been droppin hints left and right. Tellin me I should be smart enough to know. But still, "No," says he, "it's not you." And yet my best mate won't tell me if tis any other wench. The pirate's trusted me with things before, but not this one time. Mind you, he gets awful sweaty when I ask him. Do you think I should tell him of me own love for him, or wait till he tells me? - Lovesick Wench

Ahoy Lovesick!

I have just the cure for yer whimsically coy mate! He needs what I call, “Toe-Punch Therapy!” Here’s how it works – when he is coy or evasive about his man-yearnings, convince him to stand, Arms Akimbo (hands on hips, elbows out- Superman style) with his feet well apart. Then, say, “I am going to now ask you while you strike this rather heroic pose – who is this wench you favor?”

If he gets coy or sneaky or in any way tries to dodge the issue, take the angular attachment of flesh and bone at the end of your right leg (i.e. your Foot) and with a quick swinging motion, direct it sharply into the top of the upside-down “V” formed by his parted legs – this should have a profound impact (depending on the amount of force you exert) on the “Coy-Boy” center in his brain as well as several other non-voluntary reflexes. You may expect a complete collapse of his system-wide structure as well as perhaps a vomitous expulsion of last night’s dinner. This is all a part of the therapy.

The remarkable thing is that once he has recovered from the initial impact, truth telling, or something very like it, should be an immediate result.

Repeat as necessary – (repetition is seldom necessary) – until a full accounting of his feelings can be secured.

This method is very effective when dealing with reluctant males on any number of issues, but you normally only get one shot to get them into the “heroic pose” necessary for full Toe-Punch velocity. So pick and choose your questions wisely.

Your Pal,

Ahoy! A wench and I were discussing cuddling and decided there may be times that a pirate would like to do such a thing, but the term cuddling by nature is not a pirate word and would most likely involve severe punishment for its usage. Can you suggest another term to describe such activity? Arrr, Jason the Pirate

Ahoy Jason the Pirate!

I've always been keen on the word, "Kanoodlin'!" I know - it kinda SOUNDS like "Cuddlin'!" but ye got that extra "Noodle" sound in it that makes it seem like ye could be talkin' about food. And there be no shame whatsoever in talkin' about food! ("Spoonin'" also falls into this category.)

Ye might also consider any o' the followin' phrases as suitable substitutes for "cuddlin'":

Octopus Hug Sleepin' Barnacle-style Slow-motion Rasslin' Tantric Bouncy-Bouncy

But just remember the pirate's creed.

FIRST scuttle - THEN cuddle!

Cap'n Slappy

-----Original Message----- From: John Ol' Chumbucket Baur [mailto:chumbucket@talklikeapirate.com] Sent: Monday, February 04, 2008 3:45 PM To: Jason Cc: Pat 'Jezebel' Kight; Cap'n Slappy; Tori Wench Baur Subject: Re: Question on Cuddling

Ahoy Jason the Pirate!

Pardon my taking a few days on this, but I wanted to consider it fully. Because you're absolutely right - "cuddling" isn't a particularly piratey word. Some captains might hear it and immediately go fer the cat o' nine tails. But some wenches do enjoy the cuddling from time to time, and they can make it worth the while of a pirate willing to engage in the activity. But what can we call it to avoid a blistering from the quartermaster?

Several ideas come to mind. I'll toss them out and see which, if any, seem fit to you.

A right colorful and nautical phrase that might work for ye is, "Aye missy, let me come alongside and tie up to yer stern fer a bit." I kinda like that one meself.

When a ship sustains a serious breech to the hull and the water is coming in faster than it can be pumped out, sometimes the crew has to adopt drastic measures to keep from sinking until they can get into harbor. They'll take a largish sheet of sail cloth and wrap it around the ship, under the keel and pulled tight across the deck, to slow the intake of water. It's like a big bandage, and it's sorta like cuddling, now isn't it. Unfortunately, the name for this process is a little cumbersome - fothering. But that's another possibility. "Me and the miss were fothering" or "I was fothering the lady in question, and get yer mind out o' the gutter, you scabrous dog!" Something along those lines.

Any number of nautical knot and sail terms might apply - Splicing, reefing (when the sails are bundled tight in a high wind) - and ... wsell, okay, so not ANY number. Two. But there's probably more that I'm forgetting just now.

And when the sea are high the crew definitely wants to make sure all the hatches are secured - so you and the wench in question might want to batten the hatches.

I'll copy Cap'n Slappy in on this because he may well have some other phrases that work. He's never been shy about admitting he's a cuddler, so he probably has a few other terms.

Hop these help.

Ahoy there, me hearties!

I thought you might be interested in the actions I'm taking in trying to promote "International Talk Like A Pirate Day" in the UK. You may be aware that there is a website in the UK for submitting online petitions to the Prime Minister: http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/

Last year, in late December (21st) I submitted the following petition: We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to: Create a new public holiday: "International Talk Like a Pirate Day" on 19th September.

Details:

1. It should be a national holiday.
2. It should be compulsory to talk like a pirate for the entire 24 hours of 19th September.
   1. Anyone not talking like a pirate shall be made to walk the plank or eat a parrot (the latter was Paul's idea, not mine.)
3. The wearing of piratical costume is encouraged but not compulsory.
4. The drinking of rum is similarly encouraged.
5. Actual acts of piracy, pillaging and plundering may be tolerated if undertaken in a spirit of harmless fun.
6. For more details see: www.talklikeapirate.com

Well, surprise, surprise they rejected it, the pestilent, traitorous, cow-hearted, yeasty codpieces! This was their response (3rd Jan):

Hi, I'm sorry to inform you that your petition has been rejected. Your petition was classed as being in the following categories:

• Issues for which an e-petition is not the appropriate channel
• Intended to be humorous, or has no point about government policy
• Contains links to websites

They included a link to reapply, which, of course, I did with the following: (this is approximate because I seem to have "lost" the reply somehow ... Conspiracy? I don't know, maybe...)

(1) If this is not the appropriate channel for petitioning for a new national holiday then please let me know what IS the appropriate channel.

(2) I am quite serious about this and anyway how do you presume to know my intentions? And if the creation of a new national holiday doesn't have a point about government policy then what does?

(3) Fine. I have removed the link, although quite what is wrong about including a link for further information is beyond me.

Guess what? They rejected my petition again with the following response (dated 23rd January):

Hi, I'm sorry to inform you that your petition has been rejected again. Your petition was classed as being in the following categories:

• Intended to be humorous, or has no point about government policy

Your petition will now appear in the list of rejected petitions.

By the way I searched for this list of rejected petitions and could not find it. Conspiracy again? It's looking more and more likely, isn't it?

So yesterday (29th January) I submitted another petition:

We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to grant a petition (previously submitted) on this website to create a new public holiday: "International Talk Like a Pirate Day" annually, on or about 19th September.

Details:

OK, OK I've toned it down a bit but I am absolutely serious so please don't give me any more of that "intended to be humorous" stuff, OK?

1. Ideally it should be a public holiday but I'm willing to compromise on this as long as it is recognised as an annual event.
2. Talking like a pirate should be encouraged on this day.
3. The wearing of piratical costume and the drinking of rum are similarly encouraged.
4. OK, so no actual acts of piracy, pillaging and plundering should be tolerated in reality. I accept this, now.
5. N.B. since the heyday of piracy from around 1560 until the mid 1720s the global average temperature shows a clear correlation with the decline in people "talking like a pirate." Do you really expect the public to accept that this is just a coincidence?

Ahaarr! Dave.

I haven't received a reply yet, but I'll let you know.

If you could publicise my efforts on your website, I would be very grateful.

We need to pull together on this one, shipmates!

All the best, Cap'n Dave.

Ahoy Cap'n Dave!

I'm includin' our man in the UK - Mad Cap'n Tom - in me response - it looks as though ye could use an ally in this! Perhaps Ol' Chumbucket will give this a mention in his next Poopdeck newsletter ...

Legitimate or not, Talk Like a Pirate Day is gainin' in international prominence and if yer Prime Minister hopes to sustain England's rightful place on the world's stage of novelty holidays, he should act quickly and set the tone for his American counterparts who seem equally nonplussed in response to so great a celebration.

Pirate on, me friend! And keep us apprised o' yer progress!

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

I be troubled. Me mates think of me as a land lubber. It disgruntles me. I be the one that brought about TLAPD to 'em. Other than knock 'em out, what does a pirate like meself do to convince such fiends that I truly am a pirate. A non violent one anyhow -

Artful Dodgeress

Ahoy Artful!

Ye cut off me normal advice - "A savage beatin' with yer fists and forehead!" A "non-violent" pirate ye say? Alright - if these be the parameters, then I'll work around 'em! We need to move ye from disgruntled to thoroughly gruntled.

To do that, I propose ye not give a bosun's barf what anyone else thinks o' ye! Part o' bein' a pirate is not givin' a fig about the opinions o' others - especially those opinions about yerself. Name for me, if ye will, one single pirate of good reputation who gave a bilge-rat's bottom what anyone - and I do mean ANYONE thinks o' him or her! Ye can't, can ye?

Yer situation reminds me o' a wee Irish proverb me grand-mammy McSlappy used to recite during similar situations; "Let them what love us, love us. And them what don't - may God turn their hearts. And if God won't turn their hearts - let Him at least turn their ankles. So we may know them by their limping."

There ye be - feelin' more gruntled?

Cap'n Slappy,

I'll be invitin' some wenches over ta me ship an' I'm wonderin what grub I should be offerin'? They'll be 40 of us for a spring social.

Cap'n Bertha the Salty Wench

Ahoy Cap’n Bertha!

Me colleague and pirate food aficionado, Ol’ Chumbucket, says that the closest modern equivalent to pirate food would be barbequed spare ribs! I know it sounds a bit messy for a wenches gatherin’ – but it beats the lubber out o’ egg salad sandwiches.

Oh! And “Lady Fingers” for dessert – either the pastry or they can supply their own!

Best Fishes!

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

I've been searching for a more piratical way of greeting my fellow pirates on Puzzle Pirates. Most greetings are variations of the word ahoy (ahoys, hoy, hoys, hoy hoys and so on). This be getting dreadfully boring and a pirate's greeting shouldn't be boring!

An' while I've got yer attention what be the true proper piratical way of getting yer misbehavin' crew to shape up on long journeys? It seems these days young pirates just arn't the listening type of folks. I oft have to send many over the side of me ship to take swimming lessons the hard way.

Fair Winds and Clear Skies, Scrim Senior Officer, Taskmaster and Scribe of the crew Scallyways on the Sage Ocean

Ahoy Scrim and other Puzzle Pirates Protagonists!

Here be a short list o’ possible non-ahoy related greetin’s a pirate might use to announce his or her presence with distinction:

• “Greetin’s to ye!”
• “Hail Potential Victims!”
• “Stop yer jabber-jawin’ and pay me heed!”
• “Avast thar ye meat tubes!”
• “Hearken unto the sound o’ me blatherin’s!”
• “Great Neptune’s Man Nipples!”
• “I be a sad pathetic fellow in need o’ yer undivided attention.” (not overly recommended)
• “Hear now the news!”

As to the young people, the only way they’ll ever get to be old people is to shut up and listen! Remember, if ye’re punishin’, that the folks what ye’re punishin’ will be voters in yer next ship-board election – but only IF ye bring ‘em back on board after their “swimmin’ lesson.” Otherwise, their “swimmin’ lesson” becomes a “how fast can ye evolve fins and gills contest” as ye sail away – leavin’ their misbehavin’ arses behind.

Happy Puzzlin’!

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

How do you say: "The Swiss Cheese in my pants is burning all of my money!" in pirate?

- Anon.

Ahoy Flaming Swiss Cheeser!

You don't! No pirate would ever say, "The Swiss Cheese in me britches is burnin' all me doubloons!"

He just wouldn't!

Best Fishes,

Greetins from Barataria!

Capn Slappy, I must be agreein with many others on the wonderful way of how ye have brought pirattitude to the land lubber community. But I be wonderin: How do I display me pirate lingo to me teachers without those silly "Detensions" poppin up out o the briny deep? If I can, please be tellin me how do be doin so.

Capn Luka O The Titan Crab(there be only one)

P.S. Why do Ninjas hate pirates.

Ahoy Cap’n Luka!

Do ye live on the second floor? Nevermind.

As for how to keep on the windward side o’ the law in yr establishment o’ learnage – the best way is to convince yer teachers it be a good idearrrrr! First, stick to one day – September 19. That way, they see it be special and not a constant source o’ irritation. Also, they’ll need to embrace the educational value o’ all things piratical. To that end, I’ve prepared a list o’ pirate-related curriculum ideas that any teacher would love to embrace.

English

Discuss the first person singular possessive pronoun, “my” and now it has evolved from the piratical, “me.” (i.e. “Give me rum back!” or “ARRR! Ye’ve taken me rum!”) And what happens when the first person subjective “I” is wrongly translated to “me” in an attempt at pirate talk that takes on the idiosyncrasies of “Cave Man” speech. (“Me like hitting head with rock. Me think it good.”)

History

Discuss the importance of seafaring to migration and the socio-political implications of national claims to heretofore uncharted territories.

Social Studies

Identify the role of piracy in creating the Western ethos of the individual versus the establishment.

Science

Identify the health challenges of prolonged sea travel.

Physical Education

• Rope climbing!
• Dodge (cannon) Ball!

See, Cap’n Luka! Ye just have to speak their language – and SELL ‘EM on the idearrr!

As for ninjas “hatin’” pirates – I have to say, it’s not so much the hate – it’s the JEALOUSY! Ninjas, by nature, wish they were pirates.

Arr Cap'n Slappy!

Perhaps ye be givin this ere Cap'n a few words of advice regardin the code, each Captain has his own code for his ship.

But what be the code for when two of us grog guzzling crews meet on the Seven Seas.

Awaiting your reply,

Cap'n Dead-Bucket, Of the Dead Plowman sailing on the "Pirates Of The Burning Seas" (TM)

Ahoy Cap'n Dead-Bucket!

Aye! The CODE! We must, at all cost, keep to THE CODE! And when the grog guzzlin' crews o' The Dead Plowman and The Festering Boil meet on the seven seas there can only be one code what matters!

I takes me rum with a sprig o' mint and a twist o' lime - neat. It's a little somethin' I calls, "A Slap-jito!" And once I've had a few o' those, THE CODE becomes THE GENERAL GOVERNING PRINCIPAL and later THE WHAT WERE WE TALKIN' ABOUT followed closely by THE PASSING OUT!

Happy Sailin'!

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

I recently read your book and afterward while I was digging in my backyard I found some Volkswagon parts under the X. Do you guys want half of 'em? Does this make me a pirate, a hippie, or a redneck?

Signed, Demented Darwin

Ahoy Demented Darwin!

First, let me congratulate ye on yer choice o’ readin’ material! We’re typically sandwiched into a person’s book queue between James Joyce and William Faulkner – so we’re sure ye’re a demented man o’ taste.

As for our share o’ the backyard booty – I’ll leave that to me colleague, Ol’ Chumbucket, who may have use for some Volkswagon parts. And as far as yer designation goes, whatever ye be – ye be a hybrid – a Pirate/Something. It breaks down as follows based on the model of Volkswagon car your parts fit;

• 1968 VW Bus = Pirate/Hippie
• 1972 VW Bus = Pirate/Handyman/Possible Redneck
• Rabbit = Pirate/College Freshman
• Jetta = Pirate/Sales Clerk
• 1968 Beetle = Pirate/Anarchist
• New Beetle = Pirate/Regular Customer at your local VW service department

FARRRRRRRfegnugen!

Dear Cap'n Slappy

What exactly does the Black Spot mean and what’s the best way to deliver it to someone?

Carey

Ahoy Carey!

Yer question reminds me o’ a similar question asked not long ago … a Tuesday, I believe … it went a little somethin’ like this;

Dear Capn' Slappy,

I be wonderin' about "The Black Spot". When, where and how did The Black Spot originate and who was the first salty sea dog to ever give it to some poor bilge rat? Do they really tear a page out o' the holy Bible to paint The Black Spot on? Have ye ever been given The Black Spot yerself and what's the first thing a pirate like I should do if I'm ever given such a thing? I say "curses to curses, me bucko"!

Good rum to ye, Capn' Seamus Blunderbuss

Ahoy Cap’n Blunderbuss!

The truth about The Black Spot is that it was a literary device by Robert Louis Stevenson from his book, “Treasure Island.” The Black Spot is given to a pirate by other pirates when it is determined that his offenses require harsh and permanent justice – the killin’ kind. The first mention o’ it is when Pew gives it to Billy Bones in Treasure Island and Bones dies o’ a stroke.

Tearin’ a page out o’ the Bible for the Spot is a mistake as Long John Silver points out with curses upon the men what done it to him!

As for meself, I’ve been given the Black Spot so many times that I’ve papered me cabin walls with it – which explains why it looks like 101 Dalmatians exploded in me quarters! O’ course, after the first couple didn’t take, the lads started givin’ me The Spot as a joke – kind o’ like sayin’ “Hope ye get small pox!” but not really meanin’ it.

The first thing to do when ye get it is remain calm. Then, calm as ye please, punch some unsuspectin’ pirate right in the eye and hand the spot to him, sayin’ “Here! Ye take this! It brings out the colour around yer eyes!” This is the sort o’ defiance The Spot likes and ye’ll have good luck because o’ it!

Best Fishes!

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

I be a ginger Dame dear Cap'n. But I be wanten tae ask ya. Do ya ever get the feelin yer in the wrong place? Well I be haven that oddest of feelins. Me bambooseled husband can't sail to save his skin.

So I've been stuck in this forsaken desert fer nearly feels like eternity. (Albuquerque, NM) I be yearnin for them seas again Cap'n. Can ya help a girl out and tellin her were she can find some Pirate chums down these parts.

Sammael Wanderer of the sandy seas.

P.S. I tried to get the old geiser to move someplace nice, But he didn't like Florida, And h'is Ex-mistress is from Seattle, so that was out of the question. I think I'm the one hoodwinked!

Ahoy Hoodwinked!

Ye seem fairly attached to the lubber despite his sand fetish. Just remember, piratin' is a thing o' the mind - and all the cacti and tarantulas in the world can't steal the salt from yer veins. (Unless they start workin' together to do just that - then, yer screwed.)

But just as that famous Indian pirate, The Mahatma Gandhi, said, "Be the change ye want to see in the world," (I think it were Gandhi - it might have been Soupy Sales - I get them confused.) ye may find that ye need to "Be the pirate ye want to see in the desert." Ye'll find pirates in even the driest o' places if ye know where to look - "waterin' holes," tattoo parlors and prayer breakfasts. (It takes all kinds - or as Ol' Chumbucket's ma used to say, "I don't know if it TAKES all kinds - but we've GOT all kinds!")

Above all - ye have to be who ye are - wherever ye are - and if yer lad can't appreciate that - there might be some scorpions what need feedin'!

Ahoy Cap'n,

During my last adventure on the High Seas, I was a bit hungry so I took it upon myself to swipe a loaf of bread from the stores. I was caught and for my indiscretion, I was bound naked to the mast and flogged mercilessly. Strange thing is, I kind of liked it. Am I a normal pirate? Where can I find a buxom beauty to do this to me?

Rusty Russ

Ahoy Rusty!

Are ye a “normal” pirate? NO! Ye’re a sick twisted bastard – but what other kind o’ pirate is thar? As for findin’ a buxom beauty to administer the discipline ye so richly deserve, ye might check out Madam Czernyenkov’s House o’ the Red Fanny in Havana next time yer’re there!

(Ask for Olga.)

Oh Slappy the greatest captain of all

I find myself in a position of questionable morals as a Pirate hunter and regular killer of pirates I often find myself in the company of pirates and having recently captured Cap'n Pete Peters I find myself tempted to the side of pirates so ask you the infamous one, should I kill Cap'n Pete Peters and take his giant ship vast amount of treasure and corpses of his crew and leave him to starve in my prison ship or let him go and start from scratch as a lowly cabin boy?

Kane J. Samples

Ahoy Kane!

Yours is a perplexing problem – If ye take Cap’n Pete, his ship, his treasure, the corpses of his crew – how are ye NOT a pirate yerself? Do ye see where this be goin’? If ye be a pirate AND a pirate hunter then the next logical step is that ye’ll have to set out in search o’ yerself and then ye’re little more than a New Age Existentialist. And if ye, indeed, find yerself – what then? The pirate hunter in ye will want to lock up the pirate whilst the pirate part o’ yer personage will want nothin’ more than to dispatch yer pirate hunter self to Davy Jones’ locker.

Here’s what ye do –

Plunder Cap’n Pete o’ all his worldly belongings and send them directly to meself for safe keeping. This will keep ye from givin’ in to yer pirate side whilst fulfillin’ the tenants o’ yer pirate hunter callin’. I’ll charge ye a nominal transfer fund, service fee, standard administration percentage compounded hourly but only on days with the letter “Y” in the name.

Hell, it beats bein’ a cabin boy!

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

excuse me i am a student from Taiwan i want to introduce "pirate language" in class but, i want to ask whether the"pirate language" has their own grammar if yes, i want clearly grammar about it

just like i, i want to learn English i have to learn all the grammar of English first so , i would know how to use the languagei want about it's "infinitive" <to v"present tense" "past tense" "future tense" "imperative"......and so on

if no, how do the pirates talk to others? what kind of talking rule does they use? thank you!!

Ahoy My Taiwanese Friend!

The first thing ye (we pirates say, "ye" instead of "you") about the rules for talkin' (we also drop the closing "g" on words that end in "ing" and, when writing, replace them with an apostrophe) like a pirate is that thar (replace all of your "there" with "thar" - in fact, use the "ARRRR" sound as much as possible) be no real rules - just a loose set o' (again, replace the "f" in "of" with an apostrophe - and pronounce it simply, "o" when speaking) rough guidelines.

Then, of course, is the use of the pronoun, "me." (As in, "me hearties!" or "me rum.") This possessive form of the first person pronoun should only be used to replace, "my." It should never replace "I." (As in "Me bury the booty." - That is something more akin to "Talk Like a Caveman Day" (date to be determined))

Also, ye'll (again, "Ye'll" instead of "You'll") be wantin' to learn some basic seafaring terms - such as "starboard" for "right" and "larboard" or "port" for left, "splicing the mainbrace" means to have the first drink of the day, and "rum" is, of course, "rum."

But the heart of speaking like a pirate isn't in the grammar so much as it is in the attitude - or "Pirattitude" as we call it - which, by the way, is also the name of our book. available here: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0451216490/talklikeapira-20?creat ive=327641&camp=14573&link_code=as1

Be sure to sprinkle lots of "ARRRRs!" and "AVASTS!" into yer language and a simple way to sound more like a pirate is to add the phrase, "Me Hearties!" after any declarative sentence - as in, "I'm going to go to the market, ME HEARTIES!" "I would enjoy a nice muffin, ME HEARTIES!"

So think of pirate talk this way - it's bad English with enthusiasm.

Best Fishes!

Now there ye landlubbers!

Me an me wench of a daughter (oos only 10 of age) av got a great big deckin patio thing outside of our hoose, me mateys.

But 'tis like no other! Tis huge an off the ground! Tis a league and a half in height anyways!

Tis still getting' built with no guard rails round it! Ah! Ha!!

So, I thought to me sen, why not put the girl "TO THE PLANK!"

An she was all in favour! (In fact, 'twas her idea!)

So I prodded her and pushed her to the edge! I threatened her with the crocodiles and sharks that lie waitin' on our lawn! When she was in fear of her life, I shouted, (in my best Pirate's voice), "Avast there, ye landlubber!"

And then she asked me, "Daddy, what does 'Avast' mean?"

I confess, I didn't really know!

So, the whole point about this message is . . . . can any one of you guys provide us with the answer? What exactly does 'avast' mean?

We ( my daughter and I) would be very grateful for any info you can throw on the subject, (Me heartys!)

Ahoy Me Proud Parent!

I see ye're goin' for "Parent o' the Yearrrr!" I think if more parents took to disciplinin' their wee ones with the plank and keelhaulin' and such, there'd be fewer o' the wee sprogs sittin' in detention drawin' pictures o' fanciful mushrooms on their math books!

But I digress - ye asked what "Avast!" means ...

Fortunately, Ol' Chumbucket and meself have made one o' them helpful educational videos that ye can view here - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2cKCkbWDGwE

Glad to be o' service!

You There! Cap’n Slappy!

What be yer advice and/or strategys when it comes to overthrowing a small community/tribe of cannibals and taking over their little spit o’ land to be usin’ as yer headquarters? The advice shall be much appreciated.

Respectfully,

Cap’n Bullfrog of the “Rabid Dog”

P.S. If’n I cant take this island may I borrow one of yours?

Ahoy Cap’n Bullfrog!

Takin’ land from cannibals can be very tasty! I mean, very TRICKY! Not tasty! Not tasty at all! Unless ye be a cannibal – in which case … well, never mind about that!

Just follow these simple steps to taking away land from cannibals;

Step One Make sure you are not delicious in any way.

Has anyone referred to you as “scrumptious” within the last two weeks? How about “succulent?” Have you recently been compared to or called by any of the following; muffin, sweetie-pie, lamb-chop, pizza-face, pumpkin? Do old people and dogs drool in your presence? If so, do not attempt contact with cannibals – they are keen on eating people just for their deliciousness. You probably taste more like pork than chicken – but most cannibals aren’t overly picky eaters.

Step Two Bring the cannibals well-intentioned gifts of blankets crawling with small pox.

Cannibals are suckers for blankets laced with small pox. Well, truth be told, they like blankets but are otherwise unaware of our propensity to infect our creature comforts with all manner of diseases to which they have no immunity. (Small pox being just one example.) This, of course, will be no fault of your own and your imperialistic tendencies will be masked behind your good-natured generosity. It’s called, “plausible deniability” and it has been used by sociopaths for centuries.

Step Three Clear away the dead bodies and the last vestiges of their culture.

You wouldn’t move into a new apartment when the previous tenant’s belongings and decomposing carcasses were still in the dwelling, now, would you? Of course not. Look. They were CANNIBALS for Pete’s sake! And they were standing in the way of progress – YOUR progress! With any luck, even YOU will forget they were ever there!

Step Four Forget they were ever there.

My, aren’t YOU the lucky one? Canni – who? This place is yours and always has been! Now, quickly! Legislate laws against anyone else moving onto your spit of land – especially those pesky cousins of the … whoever it was … that was here before!

And that’s all ye need to know! Go forth and build yer empire! (Because ye can’t have on o’ MY islands – I’m usin’ ‘em to look for new sources o’ un-renewable energy!)

Cap'n

Me and me love write letters of love to on another. Here be an example.

Ahoy me lass, You be sittin pritty, in me ole mine. Me seein eye has done run me in, with you bein in me site. Not stand on my own two feet I have the ability to do, when the likes of you be in me presents, And the heart of en man that I once was.... lay broken at thy feet a fair lass that you be. So if Cracky could kneel down on me leg of wood, your hand I would ask for to hold. Till Davey Jones and all his misery takes to the depths of tis vast sea of sorrows, fir all at has laid a sight on thee.

Me First Mate, Cracky (Matthew Scholle)

Ahoy Cracky!

My! That IS a love letter isn’t it? I believe it would make Percy Shelly soil himself with envy!

How can any wench resist ye?

Ahoy, Cap'n!

I have but one question. Which be the city in America that be havin' the most Pirattitude? I be seekin' adventure, but not be knowin' where to find it.

May the hole in which ye buried yer treasure be twice as deep as the hole in which we bury ye.

X

Ahoy X!

I believe the city ye're lookin' for is Seattle, Washington.

That's right - Grunge may be dead, but pirates live on! (And it's Cap'n Slappy's home town!)

Ahoy, Capn Slappy!

I be Captain Jenkins of The Geronimo and i must ask you....how do i get pirates to join me crew? Can ye help me by spreading the note that i be lookin for fellow men and women who are on the account? I need pirates to join me crew...thank you, Capn Slappy

Ahoy Captain Jenkins!

Just BE the Cap'n that YE would follow!!! That'll draw pirates to ye like dogs who like to roll in dead stuff to the carcass o' a bloated raccoon!

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

So who sez librarians can't be pirates?! I'll cast anchor in any that do, scupper me liver else! I'm employed at Cuyahoga Falls Library (in Cuyahoga Falls, OH...thats a bit south of Cleveland, for those what don't know), and we recently obtained a license to show movies at the library. Dec 9 will be Pirates of the Caribbean-At World's End. I've been volunteered to get all dolled up in me pirate togs...why they thought of me, I can't imagine. (They said I can't bring me cutlass in...which I think is a bad decision, for there's nothing that shapes up unruly library patrons faster that having a pommel of a dirty sharp cutlass crashing down on their table. I suppose they'll be telling me to leave me pistols at home, too...)

How'd I fall into such company as pirates, ye might ask. One of the earliest books I could read on my own was one of pirates...had a picture of Bart Roberts on the back, so it did. Also, piracy's in the blood...got me an ancestor who sailed alongside of Blackbeard...well, distant relation, anyway. Okay, I confess...I got no proof Joseph Curtice is any relation at all, other than his last name (different spelling), but it *would* explain a few things. Anyway, I've sort of adopted the man, whatever the relation.

Best version of Treasure Island? In me humble opinion, it would be the TNT made for tv version, with Charleston Heston as our hero, Long John Silver. Did a remarkable good job of it, so he did...air of quiet menace. Also had Oliver Reed as Billy Bones, Christian Bale as Jim Hawkins, and Chris Lee as Blind Pew. Music by the Chieftains, too, and you can't beat that.

Best fiction pirate book (other than the Sacred Writ of Treasure Island)? That'd be The Pyrates, by George MacDonald Fraser. Features pirates not as they were, but as they should have been...lots of buckles being swashed in the book, ye may lay to that. I strongly suggest it, and if yer local library has no copy, they can get it through Inter-Library Loan, if ye but ask. I think it's still in print, and can be found through Amazon. I need to replace me own copy.

I'll be sending ye a photo (one photo, as directed), after Dec 9. Oh, just as a point of interest, I recommended the library to purchase a copy of Pirattitude, which it did.

Mad Cap'n Bob The Terror of Springfield Lake And Small Bits of the Cuyahoga River

Ahoy Mad Cap'n Bob!

NOBODY better say librarians can't be pirates! If'n they do, they'll me a hard reckonin' at the savage business end o' me fists and forehead!

But ye did leave off one important book ...

Best non-fiction book by wise-assed pirates what got no business writin' books! PIRATTITUDE! SO YOU WANNA BE A PIRATE? HERE'S HOW!

Of course, that will be challenged come next International Talk Like a Pirate Day when "A PIRATE'S LIFE FOR ME!" comes out!

Make sure ye pick up several hundred copies of each for the entire Ohio library system!

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

Where did the saying 'scurvy dog' come from? I recently read an article for extra credit in my freshman biology class on ascorbic acid and scurvy to find dogs do not need ascorbic acid in their diets-they produce it in the liver. Assuming the said dog's liver is functioning, they have sufficient vitamin C and scurvy does not occur. So if dogs can't get scurvy, why do we have the insult 'scurvy dog'?

-Emily Mohr

Ahoy Doctor Emily!

I did some conferin’ with me own pooch, Buddy the Great Dane and he could neither confirm or deny yer scientific mumbo jumbo – but he’s also not tellin’ me where he buried me treasure – so it don’t prove nothin’!

Still, ye’re probably right about that whole “dog liver” thingy – so, I’ll just take yer word for it.

Fact is – the moniker, “Scurvy Dog” has got nothin’ to do with either dogs or the scurvy they may or may not have. Like most piratical banter (and Bob Dylan songs) it’s all symbol and allusion.

To call down “Scurvy” on a person is simply to denote Man’s unrepentant state after The Fall. We are all in a deprived and depraved condition that leaves us to the merciless march of decay and death. So, kind o’ a downer there.

But the “Dog” part is more hopeful. As we all know, a dog is a faithful friend in time o’ need who never waivers in their loyalty or devotion and is interdependent on the success of the whole rather than self-aggrandizement. By way o’ compliment, one might be called a “sly dog,” or even a “Snoop Doggy-Dogg.”

So, ye can clearly see that “Scurvy Dog” is simply meant as a reminder – it’s like sayin’ “Sure, ye’re a wretch – but ye’re OUR wretch!”

And, just for the record – no dogs were harmed in the making of this Ask Cap’n Slappy response.

Arrr... Cap'n Slappy

As one of the most respected Cap'n in all bodies of water you are officially invited to attend the "Pirate of the year award" ceremony on Cross Bone island (just below Skull Island) as you have been nominated for "Best Cap'n" award "Best Advice" award and "Most Wanted" award, the official panel of judges will announce the winner at the ceremony.

Hoping you attend

Cap'n Shady D. Eels

Ahoy Slim Shady!

Are ye the REAL Slim Shady?

Golly! I be all a-twitter about me many pendin’ awards! I just hope this one goes better than the last time I was up for several major awards and it turned out to be a trap set by me enemas! (And I really thought I had a shot at “Best Supporting Actress!”)

So, ye can RSVP me – I’ll be thar – but I’ll be incognito! (Just look for the pirate dressed as Big Bird!)

Ahoy me Cap'n,

So me crew and I be discussing the last Avatar the Last Airbender episode. We all agree that the ending was horrible, as the "adults" sacrificed themselves and sent the child figures along their way. Now me friend has a ponder for you- What would Aang's, Zukko's, Katara's, Toph's and Sokka's pirate names be. Also, do you think it was very noble of the adult figures to abandon the bretheren of child figures?

-Captain Jack Flint, The White Rune

Ahoy Whitey!

First, let me say, “What in the name o’ Poseidon’s scaly elbows are ye on about?!?” Is this one o’ them animus cartoons the kiddies are keen on these days? Because Cap’n Slappy can no sooner understand the mating rituals of fungi than figure his way clear to watchin’ an episode o’ any o’ them cartoonies what aint got Speed Racer in ‘em!

So, I don’t know about the nobility o’ adult figures who abandon’ child figures – but I have to think it’s probably not good.

But I do have some pirate names for ye – just to show I’m a good sport;

Aang – “Mr. Clean Pointy-Head”

Zukko – “Dingo Whoopsypants”

Katara – “Snuggums”

Toph – “Flopsy”

Sokka – “Brimstone McBean”

I hope that clears things up for ye! Now, go watch yer cartoonies!

Ahoy Capnslappy

I want know if there is something wrong with me. Every time I go pirate I get a Scottish accent? See the problem is I’m an Aussie…

Cheers me hearty

Chris.. Perth WA

Ahoy Chris!

Bein’ an Aussie may SEEM like a problem, but I know o’ many Aussies who live normal, happy lives. Ye’ve already taken the first step, “Admitting that ye be an Aussie.” But on to yer other problem …

Ye seem to be sufferin’ what cunning linguists call, “Recessive Pirate Brogue Syndrome (Scottish Variety).” RPBS (SV) is usually caused by two many viewings of the classic television series “Star Trek” and the condition appears to be chronic unless drastic measures are taken immediately. (Note: The Irish variety is caused by over-viewing of Lucky Charms cereal commercials.)

First – cease all viewings of Star Trek either in its televised form or any of the movies.

Second – Purchase Disney’s 1950 classic “Treasure Island” and study the speech of Long John Silver impersonator, Robert Newton. (The Patron Saint of International Talk Like a Pirate Day)

Finally – Send Cap’n Slappy a generous donation for his “Save the Pirate Talk Foundation.” (You won’t get better unless you do.)

That’s it! And stop rollin’ those “Rs”!

Dear Capn Slappy,

Me and me crew is thinkin’ of oppressing the town with our caroling skills this Christmastide. We was wonderin’ if ye have any sources for piratical Christmas carols. We have a few but would like MORE. Thank ye fer any info ye can offer.

Quartermaster Daire of the Cutthroats

Ahoy Quartermaster Daire!

I be as pleased as a smokin’ bowl o’ Christmas Bishop that ye asked this one! Just tack me own words onto some familiar Yuletide tunes and oppress yer neighbors with yer bellowin’ skills!

Fill the Decks!

Tune by – Some Dead Guy

Words by – Cap’n Slappy

(to the tune of “Deck the Halls!”)

Fill the Decks with Christmas Booty/Yo-Ho Yo-Ho Yar Yar-Yar-Yar-Yar!/Kiss yer lad or your Proud Beauty/Yo-Ho Yo-Ho Yar Yar-Yar-Yar-Yar!

Join us in this pirate carol./Yo-ho-ho Yo-ho-ho Yar Yar Yar!/Put some eggnog in a barrel/Yo-Ho Yo-Ho Yar Yar-Yar-Yar-Yar!

Christmas spirit is afore us/Yo-Ho Yo-Ho Yar Yar-Yar-Yar-Yar!/Though the lubbers do abhor us/Yo-Ho Yo-Ho Yar Yar-Yar-Yar-Yar!

For we take them at their leisure/Yo-ho-ho Yo-ho-ho Yar Yar Yar!/And relieve them of their treasure/Yo-Ho Yo-Ho Yar Yar-Yar-Yar-Yar!

Cap’n Slappy’s Comin’ to Town!

Tune by – Truman Capote – methinks

Words by – Cap’n Slappy

(to the tune of “Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town!)

Oh, ye better watch out! Ye better play dead!/He’ll give ye a beatin’ with his fists and head!/Cap’n Slappy’s comin’ to town!

He takes what he wants and gives nothin’ back!/He cannot retreat ‘cuz he’s on the attack!/Cap’n Slappy’s comin’ to town!

He knows when ye’ve been sleepin’! He knows just what to take!/He’ll leave you with a note that reads, “Where’s the cookies? Don’t you bake?”

Oh, ye better watch out! Ye better play dead!/He’ll give ye a beatin’ with his fists and head!/Cap’n Slappy’s comin’ to town!

Gold Doubloons

Tune by – Who are we kiddin’ I have no freakin’ idea.

Words by _Cap’n Slappy (Holiday songster extraordinaire)

(to the tune of “Silver Bells”)

Sails are flapping. Lips are chapping. Cannons roar in the night./In the air there’s this feeling of mayhem./People fighting. Pirates biting. Oh, it’s such a mad sight!/And on everyone’s mind is but this;

Gold Doubloons (gold doubloons)/Gold Doubloons (gold doubloons)/It’s Christmas time for the pirates./Get some soon! (get some soon!)/Gold Doubloons (gold doubloons)/Soon it will be Christmas day.

Waves are crashing. We look dashing. Even after the fight./And the whirling blue smoke is subsiding./Send them under! Take their plunder! We don’t know “wrong” or “right!”/We just know what we like and that is;

Gold Doubloons (gold doubloons)/ Gold Doubloons (gold doubloons)/It’s Christmas time for the pirates./ Get some soon! (get some soon!)/ Gold Doubloons (gold doubloons)/Soon it will be Christmas day.

And don’t forget to raise a glass to me ol’ pal, Santa Claus – wherever he may be!

Hey Cap'n Slappy

I've been having trouble gettin a crew for me ship, The Frothy Pot. It might be that I'm in Western Kansas, and the closest body of water is a dried up lake. I tried beatin up drunks so as when they wake up they're out to sea, but then they jump off and walk back to the shore. Pirate'n is a hard job out here. Do ye have any suggestions?

-Cap'n Snacks

Ahoy Cap’n Snacks!

Ye’ve set quite a challenge for yerself – piratin’ on a dried up lake. Seems thar’ed be precious little piratin’ to do – ye can hoist sails and weigh anchors and bring her hard to starboard until the cows come home (and I’m bettin’ thar be plenty o’ those on the horizon) but nothin’ is happenin’ without a pond to paddle in.

But fear not!

Ye may have terrible pirate potential – but ye have the makin’s o’ a great situation comedy! And with the writer’s strike – the public will be clamorin’ for new idearrrs!

Hell! It’s gotta be better than that damn Caveman show!

AHOY Cap'n Slappy!!

Arrrrgh, I be a student and a recent member of the local and friendly university pirate society. There be a problem there, in that there were a cap'n afore i did join and none o' the crew look to be pirate enough to stage a mutiny. Wot do I do, raise a new crew and slay the old un one by one? Or do I just have ta' Slay the cap'n and take 'is place? Failing that, do I just wait till he leaves and step up?

Yours with Mutinous intent

Cap'n Beardless Mike O' The Black Rat.

Ahoy Ratty!

Ye’re doin’ this Bass Ackwards! Ye’re a Cap’n in search o’ a crew and what ye need be a crew in search o’ a Cap’n. Pirates don’t mutiny! They hold elections! If ye live be they mutiny – ye die by the mutiny.

Get in. Roll up yer sleeves and do some pirate work! Then, when the crew sees yer natural ability to lead – they’ll elect ye!

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

Dear Captain Slappy, What is it about Pirates that make the wenches love us?

Ahoy Casanova Pirate!

Our crack research department has explored this question for eons and have developed this scientifically based top ten list of reasons –

Why the Wenches Love Pirates So Much

10. Lack of bathing produces resistant strain of irresistible pheromones.

9. Wenches are naturally attracted to treasure and pirates are a fine source of treasure and treasure by-product.

8. Pity instinct is piqued by chronic limb loss.

7. Nothing else to do on a slow Wednesday.

6. Smell of gunpowder residue is a strong aphrodisiac.

5. Not remembering previous encounter makes pirate treat her like every time is “the first time.”

4. They’re just in it for the saucy nicknames.

3. Free tickets to hangings.

2. Turning him in for reward money is a cottage industry.

And the number one reason why the wenches love pirates so much …

1. Rock stars haven’t been invented yet.

Rock on, Casanova pirate!

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

One of my friends is leaving on a trip and will be sailing and celebrating his birthday. He is into the Pirate Code and everyting. I was wondering how to wish him a happy birthday and great trip in Pirate language.

Can you please help with this one?

Ahoy Birthday celebrator!

In keeping with the grand tradition of overly long piratical diatribes (i.e. Barbossa’s “I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request.”) why not try, “A most felicitous celebratory salutation on this, the annual recurrence of your natal event. May yer winds be fair, yer seas be soft and yer wenches – ever accommodating.”

And many more …

Cap'n Slappy:

How ye be today? I'd been wantin' to ask ye, what would a young pirate (talkin' bout 14, here) do if me own family don't celebrate Talk Like A Pirate Day? They don't wan' me doin' it either. Anythin' there, Cap'n Slappy?

Cap'n "J" John

Ahoy Cap’n “J” John!

It is not me way to get between a parent and their parentin’ – however, if the adults in yer life were to take just a moment to visit our web site, I’m sure they would soon come to their senses and join in the spirit o’ the day.

If not – yer theirs until yer 18 – then ye’ll have to make up yer own mind … and pay yer own bills … and vote.

Ahoy Capn Slappy,

How does a swash buckler say bye in pirate lingo?

Ahoy Fare-thee-weller!

It all depends on how the swash buckler feels about the person to whom they are bidding adieu …

• Fondly: “Fair winds!”
• Friendly: “Off ye go!”
• Fancily: “May ye be awash in fortuitous endeavors!”
• Forcefully: “YOU GO NOW!”
• Fiercely: “YOU GO OR DIE!”
• Frightfully: “YOU DIE NOW!”

… and that’s just the “F” words!

Want more?

• See the Best of Cap'n Slappy
• Check the exploits o' the Cap'n's favorite correspondent, Sir Nigel Blackheart, Scourge o' th' Seas (& friends.)