It's time to play ...

It gets lonely out on the open sea, even when yer a man o derring-do the likes o' Cap'n Slappy. The good Cap'n's mate hate t'see him pinin', so the rest o' Team Pirate ~~conned~~ talked him into lettin' us sponsor a very special competition: Buccaneer Bachelor.

After a rigorous review o' the (self-)nominees, we're pleased to announce that we persuaded 22 vicious vixens, wanton wenches, and fresh freebooters to compete for the heart, the hand, the hook, or some other body part, of none other than Cap' n Slappy himself!

And the winner is ...

(go to the blog to find out!)

Fantastic prizes ...

Fourth and Fifth places

Signed copies of “Pirattitude!” the book the New York Times called “a nonstop yuckfest.”

Third Place

A signed copy of “Pirattitude!” the book that just might help you make a fortune and lose 20 pounds in 10 days
A copy of the new biography, “Blackbeard,” by Angus Konstam, released this summer by Wiley Publishing
A Buccaneer Bachelor T-shirt, signed by Cap’n Slappy

Second Place

A signed copy of “Pirattitude!” the funniest book ever written
A copy of the new biography, “Blackbeard,” by Angus Konstam, released this summer by Wiley Publishing
A Buccaneer Bachelor T-shirt, signed by Cap’n Slappy
A photo of Cap’n Slappy, signed with suitable words of endearment by the captain himself.

And the winner, the lusty wench who captured Slappy's fancy, will receive:

A pirate hat donated by Pyrate Leatherworx
The handsome, one-of-a-kind, solid brass "Buccaneer Bachelor" medallion shown above, crafted by our official ship's jeweler, Sid Stevens
A signed copy of “Pirattitude!” the book that, if decoded properly, contains the entire future history of the universe and the key to eternal life.
A copy of the new biography, “Blackbeard,” by Angus Konstam, released this summer by Wiley Publishing
A Buccaneer Bachelor T-shirt, signed by Cap’n Slappy
A photo of Cap’n Slappy, signed with suitable words of endearment by the captain himself.

.. and, of course, the heart, hand or some other body part of Cap'n Slappy his own self.

The contestants

Our two finalists were:

Mimi Lily Rose Foxmorton (but you can call her plain ol’ Foxmorton, we do) was, as she admits, “a day late an' a squid short” entering te contest – the second to the last person to enter.But we couldn’t say no. She’s looking for a pirate who “falls a mite short o' gaggin' me from 'is stink.” Her parts are still in th' same place as they were in a more innocent age, “so long's I position me self starboard an' keeps me peg leg pointin' mizzen mast. Ana-thin' saggin' after that ain't nothin' that can't be remedied wit' a good deal o' rum an' a second eye patch.” She sails on The Bloomin’ Bloomer The idea of the contest struck her as “funnier than raw clams thrown under a peg leg."

Wild Celtic Rose is a fiery redhead who brews her own ale and can call harbor seals with her fiddle. She sails the waters of Washington’s Puget Sound, Cap’n Slappy’s home waters, don’t ya know. She sails on The Banshee, and sports two tattoos, “a Celtic knot with a rose … on my shoulder” and “a sturgeon tattooed on my ass.” Missing body parts? “That’s the sign of inattention and sloppiness. I’m proud to say that I still have all my “original equipment.” Why should she be a contestant? “Who in the heck else in your contestant pool has a sturgeon tattooed on their ass? (If I win, you’ll get the whole story which involves a very well known activist and politician and his gold card)”

And here are the rest of the fine lasses who made our summer so entertaining. Good work all of ye!

Saucy Jenny
Huntedbymantamedbyfew, aka The Pirate Lady
Mad Angie Stiches
Tavern Annie
The Baroness Von Fortuna
Patcheye Daff
Slippery Susie
Moonshine
Rosie the Black Hearted
Iron Mary Rackham
RumPot Key
Captain Vixen
Rum Runner Rose
The Dread Pirate Benzodiazapine
Merrydeath
Iron Charity Kidd
Anne Bonny (pronounced Bunny – she was the one with the rabbit fetish)
Voodoo Bartholomew
Black-Eye Lola
The Castaway Wench

The fine print

"Buccaneer Bachelor" is run solely by and for the use of The Pirate Guys, LLC.
All prizes to be awarded, as well as the reasons for awarding them, are exclusively to be determined by the Pirate Guys, LLC and are subject to change without notice. This contest is in no way a guarantee, implied or explicit, of an offer of marriage or even personal contact with Cap'n Slappy or any member of the Pirate Guys, LLC. Contestants will not be forced to marry him, meet him, or necessarily even be in the same time zone as him for the purposes of this contest.
Cap'n Slappy is a fictitious character copyrighted by the Pirate Guys, LLC. As such, he can't really be held responsible for his actions or lack of same, now can he?
All submissions become the property of The Pirate Guys, LLC, and can be used by them in other projects. All entries will be reviewed by the Pirate Guys, LLC, for suitability.
5. Determination of what constitutes "suitability" is entirely within the purview of the Pirate Guys, LLC.
All rules and the conduct of the game itself are subject to arbitrary and capricious change. Just as a pirate ship goes where the wind blows, so this contest will go where our whims take us.
Contestants must be females age 21 years or older. However, this is on the honor system. The Pirate Guys, LLC, assume no responsibility if a contestant lies about her age or gender.
Contestants agree that they are responsible for their own submissions, and will not hold the Pirate Guys, LLC, or those near and dear to them liable for any adverse reaction to their participation in this game.