Our New Book, "The Pirate Life," Released Tomorrow!!
26 Days Until International Talk Like a Pirate Day
In this issue
"The Pirate Life" available online, in stores
Our new book, "The Pirate Life: Unleashing Your Inner Buccaneer," will be released tomorrow, August 26, by Citadel, a division of Kensington Books.
"The Pirate Life" is the ultimate pirate self-help book. We promise to change your life (one way or the other) by showing how finding and freeing your inner buccaneer can – Improve? Better? Why don't we settle for "stir things up" – in every aspect of your life, from sex and dating to diet and exercise, business, politics, storytelling, parenting, hygiene and lots more.
We also offer you, the reader, a chance to share in the creative process with a "fill in the blanks" template for a swashbuckling pirate novel, and offer a solution to the enmity between pirates and ninjas.
"The Pirate Life" is 240 pages of freebooting frivolity, the perfect book to get you ready for this year's celebration of International Talk Like a Pirate Day." And at $12.95, it'll be a great gift for all the people in your life who just haven't found the inner fortitude to swash their buckles on the high seas.
For more information, check out our books page.
Excerpts from "The Pirate Life: Unleashing Your Inner Buccaneer"
In our new book, we put together an exercise program that will help trim your sails and keep any pirate in perfect condition right up to the moment he or she lurches to a sudden halt at the end of a hangman's noose. But first, we have to recognize that, like most Americans, we're not all of us in tip-top shape.
"Each member of a pirate crew is supposed to pull his own weight, and looking at some of us – not to name any names – that’s a LOT of weight to be pulling.
"Your body is your temple, and if you’re anything like us your temple looks as if it’s been sacked by Blackbeard’s crew during a particularly brutal rampage. Nobody worships there anymore and you blame them for their lack of faith.
"Sadly, most medical doctors agree that the diet and lifestyle you’ve chosen can lead to a variety of health problems, such as death ..."
"So you’ve decided to begin a strict exercise program to get back in shape. A program just like the ones used by Olympic athletes, only without all the knee injuries and throwing up ...
From the chapter, "Dead Men Tell No Tales," here's the first of our "Seven Rules for Pirate Storytelling:"
"1 – Grab ‘em by the gonads with your first sentence. Would you rather read a story that begins, 'It was a dark and stormy night …' or 'The blood that splattered the deck of the frozen ship of zombie ninjas both stained and steamed the wooden planks as disembodied head after disembodied head bounced, rolled and skidded to their final resting places.' Even so-called professional storytellers should keep this in mind. Think about how much better 'Hamlet' would be if, instead of starting with the line, 'Bernardo: Who’s there?' it began, 'Bernardo: Holy Crap! A ghost!!!' Almost any story can be improved by following this simple technique. For example: 'Holy crap! It was the best of times, it was the worst of times!' ”
And finally, for now, here's the philosophy behind our chapter on pirate parenting:
"Parents try to impart their beliefs and values on their children so that they can carry them on into the future. Catholic parents want their children to grow up to be good Catholics. Muslim parents want their children to become good Muslims. Baptist parents want their children to grow up feeling guilty about everything. Rich parents want their children to grow up to be insufferable snots.
"Pirate parents want to see their kids raise anchor and sail off into the sunset looking for their own adventures. And they’re not going to do that if they’ve been trained since birth to unquestioningly obey all the rules, let other people think for them, and never take a risk. That’s for people who want their children to grow up to be trained poodles."
Cap'n Slappy planning Seattle book appearance
Details are still being worked out, but Cap'n Slappy is planning to put in an appearance at the Pirates Plunder store on the Seattle waterfront on Sept. 13. He'll be the guest of our freebooting friends, the Seattle Seafair Pirates, and will read from and sign copies of "The Pirate Life."
I'm working on an appearance at Undercover Books in Christiansted on St. Croix, where I live, but haven't got a date set yet. Slappy will be a guest of the Pirates Plunder Mall in Newport, Oregon, (completely different place than the Seattle store) later in the fall at a date to be determined, guest of our good buddy Capt. Robert "Cockroach" Blair. And we'll be reading and signing from the book during our appearance in Philadelphia Sept. 18-20.
Looking forward to seeing you there!
Life in the Caribbean
And speaking of St.Croix, I and my family are doing well in the Caribbean, happily ensconced in the U.S. Virgin Islands. It's not all sand and sunshine, as readers of our blog will know, but overall we can't think of a better place to live. You can keep track of the Chumbucket Clan's island adventures by going to www.onourisland.blogspot.com
One of the downsides we've been having is that we STILL haven't been able to get hooked up to DSL, so our posting is dependent "on the kindness of strangers," the three free wireless internet sites we've found on the island. But our soon-to-be ISP says that will change soon (Thursday, they say. We'll see.) and once we are connected, we'll be posting daily.
Thanks for helping to spread the word, and the word is "Aarrr!!"
-- Ol' Chumbucket, editor
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