Find yer inner pirate

Cartoon pirate behind the wheel skip to content

The Official Talk Like a Pirate Personality Inventory (TOTLAPPI)

Version 2.0 - completely revised for 2007!

Arrrr! So, thar ye be, sittin' all a-lonesome on the poop deck. Comely lasses (or lads) don't notice ye, mates smite ye with thar belayin' pins ... not even a parrot to call ye "Bob." What's a pirate to do? Are ye the talk o' th'dock? Cock o' th'walk? Do the mates want to be like ye and the beauties want to be with ye - or vicey-versey? Well, thar, me Bucko, this simple little quiz will tell ye - and everyone else - just what kind o' Pirate ye be.

Important note*

1. What is the number one reason you want to be a pirate?

GOLD, you fool! This is also reason numbers two, five and sixteen.
Do I have to choose between the gutting and the garroting?
Freedom, so long as the cap’n says I can have freedom.
The lowered expectation on personal hygiene.

2. When I go into combat, my weapon of choice is ....

Nothing clears the decks like me blunderbuss .
A cat o’ nine tails, it’s both painful AND personal!
Whatever is at hand – so long as it isn’t Jello. Jello is never a weapon!
A bag of feral cats.

3. Fighting is...

What we do to get the gold. The only time they allow me out on deck.
An excuse to use cannon wicks in me long curly locks. .
Somethin’ the whole crew can do together. It’s like a family outing, only with knives!
It’s like a family outing, there’s even knives like me ol’ granny used to use!

4. The single word that bests describes me is:

Ruthless. I am without ruth in my pursuit of booty.
Psychotic. Really, really really psychotic.
Reliable. As dependable as Gumby … wait, that’s bendable – not dependable! Maybe my word should be “Dependable.”
Stench-o-riffic! (Or even, dare I hope, “Stenchtastic!”)

5.A pirate’s earring is …

A chance to show off me acquisition of treasure.
A great handle for grabbing an opponent in a fight.
What I wear because I’m a pirate and that’s what pirates wear.
Something that snags on the filth in the bottom of the ship

6. Just before the act of love, I am bound to say ...

“I think I qualify for frequent flier miles, darlin’!”
"Prepare to be boarded!"
"Prepare to be bored."
“What do ye charge? And I don’t mean, criminal-wise.”

7) Maintaining discipline on board is...

Important to the daily operation of the vessel and keeping order.
Fun because there are so many ways to inflict pain ... ah, the choices!
Necessary, but can be messy and sometimes leaves a mark.
An effective way to bash off the first few layers o' filth.

8) Every pirate should end his or her days ...

Rich and famous
Going mad and charging the cannons of the fort with a spoon.
Going down with his or her mates.
Going down on his or her mates.

9. If I weren’t a pirate, I’m pretty sure I could find work as …

King/queen or other absolute potentate with limitless power.
A dentist or some other sort of dominatrix.
I am seduced by the charms of middle management.
A part-time gutter snipe. (Second Class)

10. When the young ones tell tall tales of my adventures in life, I want them to refer to me as "(My name), ...

"The Golden Pirate"
"The Mad Skull Splitter"
"The Little Lad or Lass Who Could "
"The Appallingly Filthy"



*Note. School Psychologists, Social Workers and Clinicians should be wary of using the TOTLAPPI when qualifying students for IDEA services, DSM IV identifications (under any axis) or as a part of any professional assessment. Medical professionals are hereby cautioned not to use the TOTLAPPI as a tool to determine appropriate medications and/or dosage. Lawyers are hereby notified that the results of the TOTLAPPI are not admissible in most state and federal courts with the notable exceptions of The Bahamas, French New Guinea, Madagascar and Wyoming. Amnesty International has requested a moratorium on the TOTLAPPI in Death Penalty Cases until the American College of Psychiatry and the British Psychological Association can complete a twelve-year longitudinal study into the TOTLAPPI's efficacy rate and cultural bias. This tool was designed for use solely by Pirate Captains and Web Surfers. Please do not attempt this in any professional setting.